Learning to trust


#1

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have seven (soon to be eight) beautiful children. My husband is an amazing father. When we got married I was a very, very, very small c Catholic and he had not even been baptized. None the less we were married in a Catholic church. Over the years we’ve had some definate issues. While my husband has never had a real life affair he did have a terrible problem with internet pornography and sometimes movies too. He came into the Church about 10 years ago but the problem persisted even after the birth of our fifth child. I had terrible post partum depression and found out that while I was struggling to exist he was viewing pornography on the computer even after he had agreed not to do it anymore. It’s been about 6 years since then and we now have very strict internet filters (he knows the passwords, however). We went to a wonderful Catholic counselor for a long time, have both grown enormously in the Faith, he even attends men’s groups at church and things like that. Still, I don’t trust him. AT ALL. I know alot of it is my low self esteem, the fact that I’m always pregnant and/or nursing and have put on a lot of weight (that I do take off after pregnancy).

Travel hasn’t always been part of his work but it is now. He’s even going to other countries. Besides the enormous amount of extra workload this leaves me with, I go crazy wondering what he’s doing and with who. I know it’s wrong. I’ve prayed about it, talked with my husband at length, and spoken with a priest. I just don’t want to be vulnerable (or stupid) and realize too late that he’s done something that can’t be reversed. I have it stuck in my head somewhere that most men cheat on their wives. I also have it there b/c of the whole porn thing.

Loving advice welcomed :wink: I can’t take anyone that’s mean at this point :wink:


#2

Seems as though you have done the right things, talking to your dh and priest. You are a very busy mom who needs to be able to give her best to her children. To do this, you need to give the rest to God, every day. Hand God all your worries because you cannot carry the heavy load and you cannot solve every problem. Let God do it. When you allow God to have your problems to solve, you can use your days in a productive way to care for the beautiful children He gave you. Learning to trust again can take a very long time, don’t expect it to happen over night. However, if you can decide that you will trust until something happens that you cannot, you might find life easier, less stressful. Stress takes a great deal of energy and is self-defeating. T

Love, peace and prayers.
Mom of 5


#3

The best advice I can give is to go to Retrouvaille. We had different issues in our marriage, but I know people who have gone through it who had the same kind of problems as you, and it helped them so much. It really gets the two of you on the same page, and gets you to the point where you know that you are seeing the true heart of your spouse. I know it could be difficult to schedule with his travel and the kids, but I really think it could help. www.retrouvaille.org God bless you, I’ll pray for you.


#4

I would love to do that! Unfortunately, we almost always have a newborn or nursing toddler. I can’t leave them for an entire weekend. We did go to marriage encounter but that was 10 years ago about three weeks before our third child was born. Since then I’ve been pregnant/nursing/both all the time. Maybe after menapause :wink:


#5

I don’t know how helpful my advice will be, but here’s what I found for myself. If I have more time alone with my thoughts than I have in contact with my boyfriend (who lives 90 minutes away), I tend to go nuts wondering what he’s doing when I can’t contact him. If I keep myself busy and have things to keep my mind occupied, I don’t freak out so much.

I don’t know whether your fears are founded on something that needs to be checked out, or whether they’re left over from problems that you’ve already solved. If you think there’s still a real possibility, when you’re looking at your husband face-to-face, that he has been untrue or might later, I’d say get yourselves some counselling to figure out how to resolve these issues. On the other hand, if you think it’s mostly that you can’t let go of your fears and they probably don’t hold up in the light of day, then follow my advice.

Figure out the times that you’re most in need of reassurance. Is it at night, after the kids have gone to bed? In the mornings, after a long night of worrying about your husband who’s traveling? Ask your husband to call you at the time you tend to need to hear from him the most. Don’t make it sound like you don’t trust him, just let him know that you miss him the worst at those times and you’d be so much better able to handle his absences if he called you then.

Then, try to keep yourself occupied with something that takes up most of your thoughts. I bet that when you’re homeschooling your kids, you don’t have much time to dwell on your fears. Fill your mind with other thoughts as much as you can at the critical times.

Lastly, don’t hesitate to pray for relief. Last night I was driving myself into a frenzy because my boyfriend hadn’t called all weekend. I knew his phone was broken, but I was still imagining the worst. (You know, like he was avoiding me. I was driving him away with my clingy behavior. He was out drinking at a bar and couldn’t be bothered to let me know he was okay. He was sleeping peacefully completely oblivious to how I must feel not knowing what was going on…:rolleyes:) Finally, I just asked Mary to hold me in her arms, comfort me, ease my fears and rock me to sleep. It worked, thank goodness.

Whether your fears are reasonable or not, they are how you feel, and you shouldn’t deny them or you’ll drive yourself bonkers. Let your husband know what you’re going through, in as unaccusing a way as possible, and if he’s the loving man he probably is, he’ll do his best to help you ease them.


#6

In the words of St. Padre Pio of Pietrelcinna “Pray, hope, and don’t worry.” God’s got your back. Pray for trust! Then put the rest in His hands! Keep up the struggle for faith and trust. It’s what makes saints!!! :smiley:

God bless you and your family.


#7

Good morning–and congrats on your 8th pregnancy–that is terrific!!

I have a question first, before giving some advice…has someone in your past…maybe childhood…caused you to distrust him/her/them? Often times, when we have trouble trusting people in our current lives, it is sometimes (maybe often) due to a lack of trust that started developing in our childhoods. I for example, lost my parents as a young girl–and that caused me to worry over if I would lose someone else I loved, so I had a problem with this during the early stages of my marriage. I trusted my husband not to cheat–but I always wondered just the same, if I’d lose him to an untimely death, another woman, etc. It could even be something indirect that has caused you not to trust. I would imagine him viewing porn would cause some of it, perhaps, as well.

I just wondered if that could be at the root of your mistrust?


#8

i have often wondered about this. I was sexually abused as a young, young child. I have often wondered if it was related.


#9

It most likely is…not of course in the same way–but the things we experienced as children–if we did not get counseling say, or work them out ourselves–they will seep out later in our lives–and show themselves in different ways to our spouses, children, etc. I am so sorry that happened to you, ekblad…I have a feeling that it’s very much embedded in your subconscious, but triggers itself in your mind–to be perhaps your husband cheating, etc…because it’s sexually related, largely. (trust issues surrounding sex) It’s hard to say exactly what might help, as everyone is different, but maybe start keeping a private journal of the ‘triggers’ that set you back into a non trust mode, and see if there’s a pattern. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers…God bless! ((((hugs))))


#10

I too have been on Retrouvaille - just a couple weekends ago. We are still in our post-retreat formation process.

Retrouvaille is an amazing process - trust can be regained. Your husband can find the forgiveness he needs to be able to overcome his weakness.

Our problems were different - but too many big events in our lives - mostly difficult ones - really took a toll on us and our marriage.

I am most grateful for the chance to have been on the weekend. We found each other again - we found love and laughter again.

I know that sounds maybe too shallow, but we forgot why we had gotten married. We weren’t fighting - we were barely talking - but we weren’t mean to each other - we were more like tepid water than icy cold or scalding water when we interacted.

If your husband would go - and there are scholarships - I jump at it. The kids will be cared for and you will find a way to do it.

We found a home to take a child whom we adopted at the age of 5 yrs with major issues. You can find a couple homes, etc.

Hang in there and pray with conviction for what you ask to happen,


#11

I have gone to counseling and thought the issue was resolved. I’ll have to pray on it some more.

I know my parents would willingly watch the older children if we went to Ret. but I cannot (and won’t) leave a nursing infant. I just don’t feel comfortable with that.


#12

I’ll preface my comments by saying that I have no experience with what I am about to recommend.

You say that you can’t go to Retrouvaille because you are always breast feeding a newborn and/or toddler. Would it be possible to wean the toddler a bit earlier than usual and have a bit of time away from the children before the new baby comes?

For example, you have about five months until the new baby comes. If you start rearranging schedules and planning now for a Retrouvaille weekend in, perhaps, May, the new baby could represent a new beginning. Just a thought.

Good luck and I’ll be praying for you.


#13

Would they let you bring a newborn? In the beginning they just nurse and sleep anyway. They may let you, can’t hurt to find out.

Just wanted to say sorry you are dealing with this, it must feel really ******. I’ll keep you and all your family in my prayers.


#14

Normally I would totally do that as we usually have about 24 months between kids. This time God wanted to check our energy level and the kids are only going to be 16 months apart, LOL.

We do have an awesome Catholic counselor that we haven’t been to in a while. Maybe I will call her again. Thank you all!!!:slight_smile:


#15

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