So a couple months ago, my and my ex-fiancé got into one too many fights. She stormed away, but came back a couple months later begging forgiveness. At the time I was too angry at her to take her back, and I refused to take her back. Another factor was that she wasn’t catholic. Up until our last conversation, she hated that I was catholic. On our last conversation, she said that she’d accept that I was catholic, but I blew that off as making promises you don’t mean when you want somebody, but now I don’t know.
In any case, I blew her off, and then I shipped to boot camp. I’m out of boot camp and feel very guilty for leaving somebody that I promised to marry. To make me feel even worse, we met after her mother died and she prayed for somebody to love. And I was in a low point in life when we met too, so we both helped each other back then.
Was it immoral to turn her down like I did? Should I call her back and apologise? We had a lot of fights for legitimate reasons, but she’s staying in the back of my head for the past four months.
If you feel you were unkind in the way you broke up with her, you should apologize. However, you aren’t under any obligation to contintue your engagement. It sounds like you aren’t meant for each other.
That is what courtship is about. The fights would most likely increase when you guys start sharing kids, finances, etc… Don’t feel guilty about the break up, and I am sure right now you are feeling a bit alone after slumming with a bunch of guys for weeks going through hell. Don’t make a decision off emotion. I am sure your head is telling you it shouldn’t be.
That said, if you were unkind you should apologize, but until you say I Do your under no obligation to marry her.
While I appreciate what the above posters have said, I actually think when two people break up that you should not go out of your way to apologise to the other. If the breakup is final, it can help a person grieve if they feel some justifiable anger towards the ex, whereas an apology can reinforce good characters that they see in the ex and prolong the process.
If you remain in touch with her, then feel free to apologise. If you have broken contact, don’t get in touch justy to apologise as it can raise false hopes.
But I do agree with the other posters that it doesn’t sound like a relationship that you should continue.
You could try snail mail if you have something to say to the woman you were about to marry. A letter is appropriate when you have something you want to get off your chest but are not sure that you want a two sided conversation. Since you still care for her I’d say go ahead and write her. Let the letter sit for a few days before you mail it. Then read it again. If you still want to send it, go ahead and do it.
Sounds like your a good Catholic Boy. Anyways, what ever happens, people have to want to change. They can’t change for someone else. IT WILL NEVER STICK IF THEIR WHOLE HEART DOES WANT TO. Here are something’s to think about. Remember I don’t know you, I am a Wife and mother of TWO awesome boys.
Where is she getting her anti-Catholicism from? If she has family/friends that are that way, your in for a LONG ride.
What if you have Children? Don’t you want them to be Catholic?
Sounds to me that you also have to decide if she is good enough for you. You want her to accept you? She should be worried that you won’t accept her.
Okay I know I repeated the Children thing twice. Until you are a parent, that is going to be a BIG point when you have children. IMHO, we have blended faith families at our church and from what they tell me its hard. The practicing Catholic will be faithful to the church, try to bring the children up in the church. When a Child see’s mommy doesn’t have to go, its going to be hard.
You know her, I don’t . Some people can be master manipulators. Men can be victims too. Once she marries you and has your children, believe me, if she isn’t being honest, she will hold all the purse strings.
You still have time. Pray.
Blessings Friend, and like my Grandmother says “this too shall pass”.
I already apologized for the fight that broke us up. And when I turned her down, I feel like I broke her heart as politely as I could. So there’s no issue of apologizing over mean words.
Thank you for your insight, and I guess I might’ve been right to hold my ground during the break up. It’s just that she took me back after I messed up financially and was willing to forgive me. And she was willing to leave her friends and family to marry me. It just bothers me that she wanted me that badly and I turned her down because I felt the fights would just happen all over again. And the timing of our meeting when we both needed an emotional anchor (at the risk of sounding crazy, what if God wanted us together?). But maybe I’m just being the mature one and letting the relationship end, like she should have. I just don’t know anymore.
As for her anti-Catholicism, yes, it is from her family. And yes, that is the biggest issue we had and far from the only one.
You can’t stay with someone just because you feel guilty. Also, if it was meant to be you could not stop Gods will for you. This is God protecting you. Don’t for one minute doubt that. THINK ABOUT YOUR HYPOTHETICAL BABIES. Every Saturday nite, Me, my husband, and kids go to mass. We also both send our children to Catholic school. If you could and want your children to go to Catholic school will it be a fight?
YOU will be the Priest of the home. You are responsible for shepherding your child’s heart. Please do yourself a favor and find someone (preferably a Catholic) who lets you be Catholic.
Marriage is very tough, and being married to a non-Catholic makes it that much tougher.
I know, I married one. The main thing that matters now is…\ how much do you really love each other ??? Guilt is no reason to get together or stay together… Real love is, and should be the only reason you two should even make an attempt at marriage. Love is the only thing that can keep a marriage together through thick and thin.
Marrying a Catholic gal at least puts you in the same ball park.