lesbian friend


A good friend of mine recently dropped a bit of a ‘bombshell’…she has a girlfriend! I always knew she was pretty liberal but this is a bit of a shock as I know in the past she has been interested in/gone out with guys.

She is really a lovely person but wasn’t raised at all relgious, her family (also lovely) are VERY liberal and involved in gay rights and stuff.

Anyway I’m wondering, how do I approach this with her? Normally when someone is happy and in love, you express happiness for them/ show an interest. But I’m not sure how appropriate that would be. I want to stay true to my Catholic beliefs but not lose her as a friend - it isn’t her fault that she has been brought up to believe certain things…and it doesn’t seem right to offer her unsolicited advice on her life. Any tips would be appreciated!


To put it simply, you’re her friend, not her spiritual advisor. Does she know of your beliefs regarding sexuality? If that hasn’t stopped her from being your friend, I don’t see why the reverse shouldn’t be true :slight_smile:

Being a friend and an example will get you a lot farther than trying to push her into line.


Agree with above. Be her friend and set an example.

Don’t provide unsolicited advice, however I wouldn’t give false praise either. I think I would stay quiet on the subject when it comes up. You don’t have to condone the activity. Just pray for her happiness.


Love the sinner, hate the sin…and take pictures! :smiley:

JUST KIDDING People! honest! I’m just goof’n.

She probably knows your stance on homosexuality, so just show her acceptance as a person…She might be so freaked that a Catholic can be so nice and will ask about it…there’s the perfect oppurtunity to talk about it…when it’s solicited :slight_smile:


Well I disagree with the posts so far. In my humble opinion, you shouldn’t just “act” as if everything is fine. You should tell her that homosexual actions are a mortal sin. That’s basically your responsibility.



I wouldn’t say anything unless she asks you about it… My aunt is lesbian, and it’s kind of not discussed in our family. They never brought it up, so I don’t, either. Hopefully my aunt’s two siblings, both happily married to a member of the opposite sex, as well as my grandparents, will serve as an example… and maybe myself someday, when I hopefully get married. So, unless she mentions it, I wouldn’t. And if she does bring it up, let the Holy Spirit guide your words.


Have you referred to the Catechism on this subject? I usually do when faced with anything I feel “uncomfortable” about. There is typically an answer there that makes me feel a lot better. I knwo that it comes from a source of deep prayer and divine thought among many people who philosphize on just about every issue we face. I take comfort in that. On Homosexuality it advises the following:

2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided.* These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.**

I am not going to get involved on what is right and wrong ON YOUR END – it’s up to you to decide what you are comfortable with, how you’ll handle it. I appreciate your worry and surprise at her news. Ask Jesus to guide you, ask your priest as well. For now, here at CA I can see this being a big debate. Be prepared: you asked for it~! LOL :thumbsup:

God Bless and I wish you peace with this and it’s outcome for you, for your friend!


Well, is she Catholic? If she’s not then Catholic beliefs aren’t going to be important to her. Just tell her that you don’t think that what she’s doing is right, but you’re not going to reject her for it.


Check out couragerc.net/Encourage.html

This is a part of the Courage Catholic apostolate that is aimed at family and friends of those with SSA.


My best friend of nearly 20 years dropped a bombshell like that on me but I wasn’t blind sided by it. I had had my idea that she might be gay about three years prior, but what confused me (confuses still) is that she had had MANY relationships with men (some long term, one on the verge of marriage) and when she said “I don’t know how it happened, it just did.” it makes me believe she’s choosing to live this life because it’s easier for her. She’s a very pretty woman, very energetic, fun to be around, has a great disposition and seems to be always happy. Her physical appearance isn’t shoddy either (although she is on the heavy side) but to know her… I swear, she’s a great woman. But when she said this to me, my heart broke because I knew I had to basically stop being her friend. I just can’t accept something so innately wrong. I don’t care if she’s not Catholic and therefore I can’t “apply Catholic teachings” onto her. If I ignored the teachings of the Church and just allowed her to continue with her lifestyle, then I’d be condoning it.

I wish I could still be her friend but it also seems like she’s chosen to distance herself from anyone that would make her think twice about this particular lifestyle. I tried to remain friends with her (thankfully geography helps to keep distance between us) and I would always keep topics on very neutral ground. But she is so politically, religiously, and morally opposite from everything I stand for, that we just can’t find common ground anymore.

Give it some time and you will have to decide whether you want to continue being friends with this person. To me, it’s like hanging around a bunch of people that believe abortion is ok, everyone has had one (or two or three) and eventually, you’ll start to waver in your belief on abortion and start siding with them all because of empathy. The color between right and wrong will no longer be black and white, but gray. Good luck though!


I know a man who has been married twice, has 6 children and now is living the gay lifestyle. He’s 50 and has dyed his hair and dresses like a fashion model. I just scratch my head and wonder. I mean, shouldn’t he have figured this out before?

As for your friend - I’d just be her friend and give a good example. Then pray for her. That’s about all you can do.


If I were in your shoes, I’d be sure she knew my religious beliefs. If she doesn’t already know exactly where you stand (maybe she does, I wasn’t sure), I might have a conversation where I said, “look, I need to lay all my cards on the table. My faith teaches this ___ about homosexuality and homosexual acts. I fervently agree with it’s teaching, and if you’d like, I’ll explain it more to you. I also want you to know that I care about you, and know that it is not my place to judge you as a person, even though I believe you are doing some things that are sinful. I still consider you a friend.” I couldn’t imagine having anything more than an extremely superficial relationship withouth having that said. Potentially, you can still be her friend, but not condone or celebrate the sinful behavior. If this gets too difficult, because it is always an issue, then you may find yourself becoming more distant. Personally, I’d have a hard time staying friends with her, because my life is all about marriage and family, and it would definitely be coming up all the time. There’s also a good chance that she will distance herself from you, even if she takes your news respectfully. But if that happens, at least you’ve been a good witness to Church teaching AND Christian charity.


I don’t know your age. The chances are good that you’ll just gradually grow apart as you pursue different interests (read DIFFERENT VALUES). And that’s okay. So it goes.


It seems to be sort of a fad these days to “experiment” with one’s sexuality, especially if raised in a liberal tradition. You didn’t mention your friend’s age, but perhaps that is part of what is going on here.

If your friend came to you and said “I think I’ll experiment with mind-altering drugs and lots of alcohol while driving heavy construction machinery near an elementary school playground.” you’d probably say, “That’s a bad idea, don’t do it. You may end up killing yourself and someone else besides.”

Sex outside of marriage leads to spiritual death. And depending on how many partners have been involved, there is a substantial risk of physical issues such as sterility, and even death (from STDs). Killing one’s self, and someone else besides.

If you are really her friend and concerned for her well being, you’d tell her this. She may drop you if you say something she doesn’t want to hear, but at least you tried to help her. Of course, you can still be her friend, while not approving of her behavior.


Wow! Ricmat! That’s a lot of wisdom in just a few words. Well put!


I’m more apt to have lots of ignorance in a few words :slight_smile:
Maybe I got lucky this time.


During my time away from the Church I made several very dear lesbian and gay friends. I was also an ardent supporter of gay rights and all manner of other “lifestyle choices” which I now regret and repent of.

On returning to my faith and the Church, and going deeper everyday through God’s grace, I have had similar questions about how to treat these relationships in the present.

With respect to those more faithful than I, I must disagree with “making sure your friend knows your faith” or “telling your friend she’s committing mortal sin.” These comments do not bring one closer to the truth. They bring on defensiveness and a commitment to prove the other wrong. They actually bring on a commitment to the sin they are meant to discourage.

So what do you do? You pray and you love. Because I now love my friends with the infinite love of God, my relationships with two of my lesbian friends in particular are more authentic and rich. They are quite clear on my beliefs and the teachings of the Church. But as non-Christians, my beliefs are a moot point to them except to the extent to which they see me live my beliefs. Staying in the relationship, I have the opportunity to be a witness to the joy of chastity, the life-giving power of celibacy, the worth I have found in Christ that keeps me committed to not being used as an object.

Am I supporting their lesbian lifestyle? Arguments can be made on both sides. But in the end, God alone will judge their souls. I can only be witness to the power and mercy of God, and I am not shy about sharing the dynamic changes in my life, nor about the books I am reading and things I am exploring and examining.

Am I concerned about their immortal souls? Absolutely. So I pray and pray and offer up any little thing that comes my way to offer up. And if the opportunity comes up for me to share something directly – as when one woman expressed questions about whether she could get what she wanted in life out of this relationship – I pray and pray, and speak whatever words God gives me.

Personally, I feel called to minister to this community, having been so involved in it for so many years away from God. Please keep me in your prayers, and know that I am praying for you and your friends.



Gertie. I like what you’re saying and I feel I know you’ve spent a lot of time with this particular issue.

I wonder in the broader way, and this goes for many moral matters today, if we as individuals do not have a positive duty to clear our throats, step forward and say, “that’s right” or “that’s wrong.”

This is what the whole East European revolution was about, Living the Truth.

But in America, it’s so durn easy to get someone out of shape and upset by making any kind of moral sounds, “you’re moralizing!” a person may say, with the implication that this is an extremely bad thing. It’s a delicate line to walk.

When all is said and done, there’s a part of me that strongly says, if good people do nothing, nothing good gets done. So I have a bias toward action, and toward trying to toss in “moralizing” comments. I feel I have a moral obligation to do this.

Most likely it all depends on individual situations, whether speaking, or simply walking in truth works better.

With respect to this specific subject, it’s always been sociologically curious to me that lesbians have different motivations for the activity than homosexuals. So a loud “moralizing” bit likely wouldn’t work as well as just some expression of generalized concern. What do you think?


Thank you for doing it right :slight_smile:

Seriously, anyone who wants to minister to us queers – or really, any group you think is living a sinful lifestyle – this is how to do it, with love, humanity, and tact. Tell me I’m going to hell, and I’ll laugh in your face; disagree respectfully with me and strive to be an example, and I’ll return the respect and give your words serious thought.

They say the most annoying activists are former members: ex-smokers, ex-Catholics, and so on. High time we had a counterexample :thumbsup:


Personally, I feel called to minister to this community, having been so involved in it for so many years away from God. Please keep me in your prayers, and know that I am praying for you and your friends.

My situation is the same. The wreckage of my past depravity includes many friendships with the homosexual community. My sister also “chose” the lifestyle after many years of terrible relationships with men. My approach has been to speak often of my love of Christ and His Church and all the implications FOR ME that this Christian walk entails. Since all my folks know I am living the teachings, there is no ambiguity regarding my position on ANY SIN. However, I only respond to specifics when invited. When my sis wants a clarification on the Church’s position regarding her lifestyle, I tell her. When my buddies want to understand how I can agree with Church language (intrinsically disordered), I explain, using myself as an example, the meaning of the teaching. When asked, I respond. If not, I simply live the answer.

I will say that since my return to the Church I have naturally drifted from some of these friends. I find that we have less and less in common and while providing a witness is important, it can also be quite exhausting to be confronted with unrepentent sin time and again. And this applies to all my peeps who blissfully remain in darkness, not just those who are homosexual.

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