I’m not really sure where to post this, so I’ll put it here since one part of it kind of fits.
Basically, without going into detail, my life has been pretty rough to me. It comes in waves, but it seems like I never get a chance to heal from one thing before the next hits. I feel slowly being grated away with no chance to come back. sigh
The latest problem is with a group of friends I used to study scripture with. They started adopting truly terrible heresies (things like why sex before marriage is fine, why abortion should remain legal, and even how church is not God’s plan for anyone.) Needless to say those group meetings haven’t been as uplifting as they once were, not to mention one of the members has started a downward spiral into truly frightening anger. Just this year he assulted (not sexually) a teen boy at his church because the boy “mouthed off” to him, and had very heavy restrictions placed on him as a result. His pride and anger caused him to leave that church. Now, that anger has spilled over on to me. Both he and his wife used to be friends of mine until one day he blew up at me, started swearing, and then I found out later, was badmouthing me to everyone who would listen. As for his wife, all I know is she won’t say a word to me anymore. All f this because I told him I didn’t really like his jokes that he was making to me, about me.
I just feel like my stress is at a boiling over point. I’ve not been sleeping well at all, and I feel constantly tired. All my hobbies are kind of falling by the wayside. And by that I mean, I try to do something, but I just CAN’T. Not that I’m too depressed, it just looks like crud (or sounds like crud, with my music) when I try. The only good thing coming from it, is that I have been obsessively cleaning my house despite my natural tendencies to be a complete slob! LOL. I’m talking about losing sleep because I know I have some dirty dishes in my sink. I’ll sit down to work on some artwork, or to practice piano and I’ll get so restless and irritable, I’ll have to stand up and do housework. I’ve also been losing my temper more. I’ll stub my toe and just break out in obscenities and crying.
Even my relationship with God has taken a hit. I’ve always been an emotionally driven person. I feel things strongly. I used to be passionatly in love with Christ. I used to read scripture and just feel warm and fuzzy all over. I used to lose myself in christian music. I used to watch a sunset, see God in it, and just cry for joy. And eucharist? Don’t even get me started ;-). But lately I have felt nothing. Just a crushing emptiness, and numbess. Part of me is even getting scared that God has ceased to exist or something. I’ve almost been tempted to stop receiving eucharist because it doesn’t move me like it used to, and I am worried about blaspheming such a holy thing.
My husband just keeps telling me to “let it all go” as if it can just be brushed off, and I don’t know how to do it. People say “give it to God” and despite the rosaries I’ve said, or the pleading with God to take it, it’s still in my mind. Even when I ignore it and feel happy I still have nausea or stomach pains, and still can’t sleep through the night. Has anyone else had this problem? How do you deal with it? How do you just “let it go?”