Like a sister - or more like someone I barely know?


#1

I was not sure where to put this, but I am putting it here as it could be seen as a family problem...

I have a friend who always said she saw me as a sister, and her best friend. I am close with her entire family.

The only problem is that over the years, this friend has done things to cause me to begin to be very, very frustrated with her. To the point where I am feeling like I cannot stand her anymore and do not want to be her friend.

The crux of the matter, beyond all the other frustrating things she has done (like leaving my birthday celebration because "she did not feel like" celebrating that day, wanted to go home to do her exercises, and "could we celebrate my birthday another day?") is that she seems to talk with a forked tongue...constantly.

When I see her, or talk to her on the phone, she is soooooooo warm and friendly, expresses how much she loves me and misses me, hopes we can hang out soon, would do anything for me (which, by the way, when I need her to do "anything" for me she ALWAYS backs out and has an excuse) etc. etc. etc. Very, very, very convincing so that I really feel she loves and cares about me.

However, while with her tongue she convinces me of how much she cares for me, her actions are like a slap in the face. She will almost never hang out. If I go over to her house, I feel like she wants me to leave. Whenever we do hang out, it is on HER time and at HER convenience - i.e. she gets a few days off, and calls me the day before to say she wants to hang out the next day. Often our time together is spent while she does her grocery errands....which I got tired of and finally told her if she wants to hang out, can she do it when I do not have to tag along while she does her errands.

In the course of a year, I may hang out with her anywhere from one time to maybe 5 times at the maximum (in a really good year). The most contact I have is every week or 2 we talk on the phone for 5 minutes and just ask each other how we are. No real depth.

I have told her in the past that her behavior was really hurtful, and could end up killing our friendship, but she ignored me. Finally I could not take it anymore - on New Years Eve, we all (a large group of her family) went to see her at her work. But she got off early, and instead of spending a few minutes with us, who all went out of our way to see her, she wanted to rush out and go home.

It is this constanct back-and-forth behavior that has lead me to feel like she is very fake. She will smile and convince me how loved I am by her, how much she misses me, how I am such a great friend, etc., but with her actions she shoves you aside. Unless she needs you.

She has even admitted in the past, many times, that she is "sorry" she is such a lousy friend to me, and she knows that her behavior is why she has so few girl friends.

I have gotten to the point where I find it hard to be around her because she is soooo smiley and happy to see you, and I feel it is fake.

A few months back, I finally told her that I did not want to be friends anymore. I explained there was nothing to our friendship anyways, reminded her how in the past I had told her that I really thought her actions would lead to our friendship dying, and I did not want to continue playing this game like we are friends when we are not. It is too hurtful to go in circles.

She said she understood but then called me at 3 am on the phone crying that I had hurt her so much by saying that. That she had always trusted me with her heart and would never think that I of all people would say that I did not want to be friends anymore. (Now I could write a book about the rotten things she has done to me which left me crying, but I will not go into that...)

I tried to explain, but she insisted "I disagree with you that we need to spend time with each other to be friends. As long as you care about someone, it has nothing to do with the time you spend together."

I hate to loose her as a friend, but the way things are I feel to irritated with her to go on being friends.

Her graduation is coming up, and to be honest I do not even want to go. I do not want to have to smile and act like all is ok with her when to be honest, it is not. (I would have to explain all the lousy things she has done to really show how much her words do not mirror her actions and are like knives - like being built up to be torn down.)

**So my questions is two-fold: is she a real friend like she insists she is, or is there something dysfunctional about this friendship like I feel?

If the later, what do I do? Do I go to her graduation and continue acting like all is ok? **


#2

My opinion is that this relationship is hurting you more than it is helpful. She sounds very immature and does not even realize how she is hurting you. Even when you tell her how it hurts, she sounds like she understands, but her actions tell you different.

I would say, do not go to her graduation. She needs to find out how it feels to be stood up. I am not saying this to be spiteful, but that she really needs to learn how it feels when someone you love does not show that love back.

I would back off from this friendship. You have already told her that you want to break off this friendship, but you are not showing it by continuing to have contact. Do not contact her, if she wants the friendship than she will have to come to you.

In the meantime of course pray for her and for true reconcilliation. It will be a shame if a friendship of so many years falls apart, but you can not keep allowing yourself to be hurt.


#3

[quote="beth40n2, post:2, topic:236843"]
My opinion is that this relationship is hurting you more than it is helpful. She sounds very immature and does not even realize how she is hurting you. Even when you tell her how it hurts, she sounds like she understands, but her actions tell you different.

I would say, do not go to her graduation. She needs to find out how it feels to be stood up. I am not saying this to be spiteful, but that she really needs to learn how it feels when someone you love does not show that love back.

I would back off from this friendship. You have already told her that you want to break off this friendship, but you are not showing it by continuing to have contact. Do not contact her, if she wants the friendship than she will have to come to you.

In the meantime of course pray for her and for true reconcilliation. It will be a shame if a friendship of so many years falls apart, but you can not keep allowing yourself to be hurt.

[/quote]

Thank you so much for the reply :)

I really appreciate it, and your advise to pray for true reconcilliation is wonderful. I will do that.

I feel like a jerk not going to her graduation, but you may be right. She does seem to always feel like everyone is there for her but she never seems to be there for anyone else.

It would be sad if it ended. The sad thing is that she would probably not see where she played a part in it ending, as she cannot seem to see where her behavior is hurtful and has never made any effort to change it and probably never will.

Thanks so much for you kind advice! :)


#4

[quote="Faira21, post:3, topic:236843"]
The sad thing is that she would probably not see where she played a part in it ending, as she cannot seem to see where her behavior is hurtful and has never made any effort to change it and probably never will.

[/quote]

How can she, if no one is there to show her what friendship really is? If you give 'an eye for an eye' or hurt for hurt, is this charity? Is this what Jesus taught us?

You should forgive her and love her, as Jesus taught us. Do not judge her on what you think a friendship should be. (just my opinion. take it or leave it.)


#5

Hmmm well, I'm going to share my honest thoughts...

I tried to explain, but she insisted "I disagree with you that we need to spend time with each other to be friends. As long as you care about someone, it has nothing to do with the time you spend together."

This is a very telling statement... and simply describes the difference in your approaches to friendship.
In some regard, I agree with her. I have several people that I care about, but RARELY get to spend time with. We all live very busy lives and day-to-day "stuff" tends to take over. None of this depletes the love or care I have for my friends, but we certainly don't spend time together on a regular basis...
You two just seem to be in very different places in life.

I, personally, don't think it was a very prudent decision to say something directly on the subject:

A few months back, I finally told her that I did not want to be friends anymore. I explained there was nothing to our friendship anyways, reminded her how in the past I had told her that I really thought her actions would lead to our friendship dying, and I did not want to continue playing this game like we are friends when we are not. It is too hurtful to go in circles.

To someone who doesn't need to spend large amounts of time together to maintain a friendship (again, you two just view "friendships" very differently)... I would take offense at this. I would have my feelings hurt.
It seems like you were MUCH more emotionally involved in this friendship that she was... the fact that you found it "hurtful" to go in circles around her, like you were "playing a game like you were friends"... ???

Please don't take this the wrong way... but based on this one thread/post, I would observe you to be more of a "clingy" friend than I could handle. That doesn't mean I don't care about you, or love you... but that NEED to spend "quality time" wouldn't be my style. And that's simply because of where I am in life - very busy with the daily "to-do's"...

Take a deep breath... and consider that others have lower expectations for "friendships". That doesn't mean they don't love you or care for you - nor does that mean you have to "break up" and "END" the friendship... it just means it's a quieter presence.

Sure, if you have the time - go to her graduation - celebrate with her! But in the future, try to lower your expectations for what it means to have a "friendship".


#6

personally, I would not tolerate being friends with someone who thought the world revolved around them.

I think part of the reason she says you are such a good friend and she loves you is because whenever she wants to do something, you're there for her. whenever she calls you, you answer. whenever she stands you up or you feel slighted, you don't call her on it right away.

people like this are not intentionally trying to be jerks. that's just how they are. and if you want a friend who will listen to what you have to say every once in awhile, this is not the kind of person to expect to get that from.

what I think you need to do is back off from the friendship. she clearly doesn't understand that you need more than she's willing to give, and you will only continue to be frustrated and hurt by her actions. you can still be a good friend to her without her being a good friend to you, as long as you realize this. it will be harder the longer you have been friends. besides, you mentioned graduation, and there's a pretty good chance she'll lose touch with you anyway by being busy with either college or a job.


#7

Thanks for the observations :slight_smile:

I know I am not clingy though because I have never been like that. I do not expect her or even ask her to hang out hardly ever. I am not on her door step or calling her constantly. I am not intrusive and respect her space and her time apart, etc. I lead my own life and let her lead hers. I am very independent.

To be honest, I do not even have a desire to spend a lot of time with her. I could easily continue to be her friend if the situation was simply that she was busy and did not have a lot of time to spend with me. That would be understandable from my end.

It is just that there have been so many slights over the years from her that have added up and I think there is something more to it than just that, something that she is not being honest about or else she really just wants someone to be there for her when she wants them there and does not want to have to give back.

For example, some years back I went through a period of great turmoil in my life when I really just needed a friend to be there for me, get me out, and help me forget things. She knew that too. But she always said she was “busy.” So I believed her.

But then little things would happen that showed she was not as busy as she let on. For example, I spoke to her one time and she said while she was talking to me she was out and about hanging out with her roomates. She would hang out with them a lot, and never invite me.

Her boyfriend at the time even said, “why don’t you invite your best friend out with us?” And she even told me this and I said “I would be happy to go” and she said “ok I will invite you” but never did.

She would go out to dinner all the time with another friend she had, but would always make up an excuse that she was too busy to hang out if I suggested anything.

I started to think maybe she just did not want to hang out with me, if she had time for everyone else, so one time I asked her that and she said “oh, you know how I am - I just like to hang out with whoever is there in my life - my roomates, boyfriends, etc. Whoever is around.” “I know we do not hang out that much - I just like to know that you are there.”

And this is true. When we lived together a long time ago, we were always hanging out. We did everything together. But as soon as we were no longer “convenient” to each other, she changed.

Another example is one time I went over to her house (and I hardly ever go to her house - I mean hardly ever) and she was home but would not answer the door. Later she apologized and said she did not feel like answering the door. Now, I know no one has to answer the door just because someone knocks, but coming from your “best friend” (who is hardly ever at her door) it seemed rude.

She has stood me up in the past - made plans to hang out, and then completely disappeared without telling me so that at the last minute I do not know where she is.

I have gone out of my way to help her so many times. I helped her move, for example. Yet the day I had to move, she refused to help me - even though we lived right next door to each other and she was not doing anything! She would not even help carry boxes to my car but had an excuse.

Another time, back in the period when I was having a difficult time and really could have benefitted from her friendship, I tried to talk to her about what was going on. She listened for like 5 minutes and then looked impatient and said “lets go inside.”

I remember thinking, “I am having a massive life crisis (it is not like I am like this all the time), and would listen and help you, and you look bored and impatient and clearly do not want to listen to me?”

She has done this to other people too. For example, her good friend helped her through a massive crisis in her life, and then needed her support on something very minor, which she completely refused. I saw her do this to another friend to, and her reason why was “I do not feel like it.”

One time I was in a car wreck, called her up to see if she could come pick me up, and she said “can’t you call someone else?”

Another time she invited me to go out with her. I did not have a car anymore because I was moving to a major city where I would not need one. She knew this. I asked if she could pick me up (she lived like 7 minutes from me). She refused but said she was picking up another friend. I did not understand but she gave some excuse as to why she could not pick me up but said “if you can get a ride here we would love to see you.”

I hope that makes it a little more clear as to why this feels like a pretend friendship, or at the very least that there is something not right.

I know I am not clingy. I am a very independent person in my life and would be happy to go on being friends if she really was just genuinely busy in her life, etc. I do not have the time myself to be spending hours on the phone or hanging out in person.

But there are so many other factors that have arisen over the years that seem off. I just doubt that this is the behavior of somoene who wants to call you their “best friend.” Maybe a distant friend, ok. But not a best friend.

I hope that explains my confusion a little better.


#8

[quote="JM3, post:4, topic:236843"]
How can she, if no one is there to show her what friendship really is? If you give 'an eye for an eye' or hurt for hurt, is this charity? Is this what Jesus taught us?

You should forgive her and love her, as Jesus taught us. Do not judge her on what you think a friendship should be. (just my opinion. take it or leave it.)

[/quote]

Thanks but that is what really bothers me.

I am always forgiving her. I am always overlooking so many slights.

Like one time I stopped over at her house. I had a good reason to be there, only for a minute or two, and then I would be gone. Trust me, I hardly ever go over there. I do not bug her. She freaked out on me and seemed so irritated I was there.

But later she told me that she thinks I am such a good friend because I always forgive her and put up with her even when she is being a jerk.

But that is just it - I feel like I have taken so much that I wonder, why am I bothering anymore? She knows what she does is not right, she has told me so many times. If I ever did any of those things to her, I wonder if she would still be around?


#9

Thanks for the reply.

That is sometimes how I feel - like she thinks I am such a good friend because she can do these things and I never call her on it. Like as long as I am there for her when she needs me, but she does not have to be there for me when I need her, I am a good friend.

Thats what bothers me really. I do not have to be attached at the hip to her, I just wish someone would not go around saying they love you sooo much and you are their closest, best friend and like a sister if they are not willing to at least back up their statements with some kind of actions.

I feel like everything in this friendship is one sided - everything happens when she wants, when it is convenient for her, when she feels like it, etc.

I guess that is why I wanted to find out if others thought it could be that way too.

Thanks! :slight_smile:


#10

You are her ace in the hole friend. You are not her best friend. You are the person she is keeping on a string, so that she has a back up. She may not even call you if plans fall through - she doesn't have to - you are there "just in case." You've been there all too often, and you ask for more from her than she really needs you, thus proving to her that you are there to be that back up. I don't know if I can put this into words adequately. Some people keep someone around just in case of plans falling through, and that's when they call. They might enjoy the friend's company and they both might have a good time, but the friend in charge of things will never call "just because." OK? That's one kind of being used. Then there are the people who just keep you in their contact list or I like to say, "in their pocket" because it makes them feel good to have a pet. They don't have to notice you or do anything to keep up their end of a friendship because in their mind, you are not a friend, you are a number or an email, a pet. Like a puppy, they know you are there in case they want you but you aren't much more than that.

Dump her and don't look back. She doesn't truly care about you and you have told her that the friendship is meaningless. You deserve friends who truly care and want to be with you.


#11

Thanks for the reply.

Your last sentance summed up a lot in a nutshell about how I feel - if someone is going to claim they are my best friend, then they should at least truly care and want to spend a reasonable amount of time together. Not clinging, but a healthy, reasonable amount of time. Otherwise, why should they continue to make such a fuss saying they love you soooo much and you are their best friend, etc.?

At least tone it down to: “you are my friend but not by best friend.”

It is something akin to over-promising and under-delivering.

I appreciate the thoughts - thanks again!


#12

[quote="Faira21, post:7, topic:236843"]

I hope that makes it a little more clear as to why this feels like a pretend friendship, or at the very least that there is something not right.

I know I am not clingy. I am a very independent person in my life and would be happy to go on being friends if she really was just genuinely busy in her life, etc. I do not have the time myself to be spending hours on the phone or hanging out in person.

But there are so many other factors that have arisen over the years that seem off. I just doubt that this is the behavior of somoene who wants to call you their "best friend." Maybe a distant friend, ok. But not a best friend.

I hope that explains my confusion a little better.

[/quote]

It does help clear it up - sorry if I misunderstood from your first post (writing online tends to close off the whole story :o)... now I have a better perspective. :)

I'd definitely TREAT her like a distant friend... and just keep your expectations very LOW.
Some people are more talk than they're worth... treat her with general kindness... and I'd still even go to her graduation... but just keep her at an emotional distance, kwim? There's no need to turn to her in times when you'd need a friend... she's no where close to that.

Sorry you're dealing with this... that's not cool at all...


#13

[quote="Faira21, post:11, topic:236843"]
Thanks for the reply.

Your last sentance summed up a lot in a nutshell about how I feel - if someone is going to claim they are my best friend, then they should at least truly care and want to spend a reasonable amount of time together. Not clinging, but a healthy, reasonable amount of time. Otherwise, why should they continue to make such a fuss saying they love you soooo much and you are their best friend, etc.?

At least tone it down to: "you are my friend but not by best friend."

It is something akin to over-promising and under-delivering.

I appreciate the thoughts - thanks again!

[/quote]

Did you read the rest of my post? She does not see you as being someone she needs/wants in her life - you are the back-up friend or the pet. She can tell you anything and does not have to actually produce. It's like keeping a puppy in a cage, and telling it you will take it on a walk every day, or feed it the best food, and yet you do neither one, just leave it in the cage and smile as you walk by. Nice puppy, my best friend. See you later! Have a nice day!


#14

You said it perfectly! It does seem exactly like that…

The strange thing is, she is so convincing when she is saying it. I have never met anyone who can convince you of their sincere love and affection for you the way she can, and how sincere she is that she wants to spend time together, etc.

It is more convincing than anyone I have ever met. With her words she makes you feel sooooo loved by her, so much like she values you so highly, so good about her and everything she says, and then - SMACK!

I think if she did not have that quality, she would seriously never have any friends. I have never known anyone who can do that the way she can, and I have known a lot of people.

I mean, she is someone who has slept with other peoples men and the women do not hate her (not any of my boyfriends, but I know of at least 2-3 committed men who she slept with. One was even the boyfriend of her good friend.) !! THAT is how charming she is! She can do the LOUSIEST things on the planet to someone, but is so absolutely convincing in her personality, that people still LOVE her to death!

Well, this “puppy” is not hanging around waiting for scraps LOL :slight_smile:


#15

Thanks for the reply :slight_smile:

Yes, that is what I have been trying to do - keep her at an emotional distance.

The hard thing with her is that when you do see her / talk to her, she is the MOST charming person you will EVER meet. I mean, she makes you feel soooooo loved by her, so missed, so valued, so cared for, so much like you mean so much to her and she really wants to be with you, and she is sooooo convincing unlike ANYONE I have EVER known, that regardless of what lousy things she has done, you walk away feeling so completely convinced that she truly loves you and cares…which just exacerbates the problem.

Which is why I finally felt like it was better to not be friends anymore at all.

If she could tone it down in what she says when she sees / talks to me, it would probably be a lot easier to deal with.

But then again, if she toned it down, her friendship probably would not seem like it was so much worth the hassle LOL :slight_smile:

Thanks so much again for commenting!


#16

[quote="Faira21, post:14, topic:236843"]
You said it perfectly! It does seem exactly like that....

The strange thing is, she is so convincing when she is saying it. I have never met anyone who can convince you of their sincere love and affection for you the way she can, and how sincere she is that she wants to spend time together, etc.

It is more convincing than anyone I have ever met. With her words she makes you feel sooooo loved by her, so much like she values you so highly, so good about her and everything she says, and then - SMACK!

I think if she did not have that quality, she would seriously never have any friends. I have never known anyone who can do that the way she can, and I have known a lot of people.

*I mean, she is someone who has slept with other peoples men and the women do not hate her (not any of my boyfriends, but I know of at least 2-3 committed men who she slept with. One was even the boyfriend of her good friend.) !! THAT is how charming she is! She can do the LOUSIEST things on the planet to someone, but is so absolutely convincing in her personality, that people still LOVE her to death!
*

Well, this "puppy" is not hanging around waiting for scraps LOL :)

[/quote]

:eek:

Wow, that not only says quite a bit about her, but it says something about the people who continue to trust her after such a betrayal!!! I wonder how they rationalize something like that..."It didn't MEAN anything..." or, "It was just because they were both drunk..." People's moral standards can be so low as to be non-existent these days.

Boy, she's what used to be called a "home-wrecker," or she probably will be, when her circle of friends starts getting married, and yet...she's getting away with it. Maybe she treats them all like she does you...flattering them, praising them, making them think she just LOVES them, and then...

Well, chalk it up to a learning experience. I imagine when you run into her sort again, a red flag will go up in your mind! And a good thing too. Those types are really toxic. You are doing the best thing in getting the heck away now.


#17

Thanks for the reply :slight_smile:

Yes, I think you are right that it is for the best to get away.

She is like that with everyone, which is why I have grown less and less to trust her. She showers everyone with such warmth and makes everyone who meets her feel so good. I used to think she was so blessed to have such an amazing quality - I have never known anyone else who can do that to the degree she can.

But more and more I just feel irritated by it, like it is not genuine but a huge act that she probably genuinely believes but which has nothing substantial behind it.

Thanks again for posting :slight_smile:


closed #18

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