I was not sure where to put this, but I am putting it here as it could be seen as a family problem...
I have a friend who always said she saw me as a sister, and her best friend. I am close with her entire family.
The only problem is that over the years, this friend has done things to cause me to begin to be very, very frustrated with her. To the point where I am feeling like I cannot stand her anymore and do not want to be her friend.
The crux of the matter, beyond all the other frustrating things she has done (like leaving my birthday celebration because "she did not feel like" celebrating that day, wanted to go home to do her exercises, and "could we celebrate my birthday another day?") is that she seems to talk with a forked tongue...constantly.
When I see her, or talk to her on the phone, she is soooooooo warm and friendly, expresses how much she loves me and misses me, hopes we can hang out soon, would do anything for me (which, by the way, when I need her to do "anything" for me she ALWAYS backs out and has an excuse) etc. etc. etc. Very, very, very convincing so that I really feel she loves and cares about me.
However, while with her tongue she convinces me of how much she cares for me, her actions are like a slap in the face. She will almost never hang out. If I go over to her house, I feel like she wants me to leave. Whenever we do hang out, it is on HER time and at HER convenience - i.e. she gets a few days off, and calls me the day before to say she wants to hang out the next day. Often our time together is spent while she does her grocery errands....which I got tired of and finally told her if she wants to hang out, can she do it when I do not have to tag along while she does her errands.
In the course of a year, I may hang out with her anywhere from one time to maybe 5 times at the maximum (in a really good year). The most contact I have is every week or 2 we talk on the phone for 5 minutes and just ask each other how we are. No real depth.
I have told her in the past that her behavior was really hurtful, and could end up killing our friendship, but she ignored me. Finally I could not take it anymore - on New Years Eve, we all (a large group of her family) went to see her at her work. But she got off early, and instead of spending a few minutes with us, who all went out of our way to see her, she wanted to rush out and go home.
It is this constanct back-and-forth behavior that has lead me to feel like she is very fake. She will smile and convince me how loved I am by her, how much she misses me, how I am such a great friend, etc., but with her actions she shoves you aside. Unless she needs you.
She has even admitted in the past, many times, that she is "sorry" she is such a lousy friend to me, and she knows that her behavior is why she has so few girl friends.
I have gotten to the point where I find it hard to be around her because she is soooo smiley and happy to see you, and I feel it is fake.
A few months back, I finally told her that I did not want to be friends anymore. I explained there was nothing to our friendship anyways, reminded her how in the past I had told her that I really thought her actions would lead to our friendship dying, and I did not want to continue playing this game like we are friends when we are not. It is too hurtful to go in circles.
She said she understood but then called me at 3 am on the phone crying that I had hurt her so much by saying that. That she had always trusted me with her heart and would never think that I of all people would say that I did not want to be friends anymore. (Now I could write a book about the rotten things she has done to me which left me crying, but I will not go into that...)
I tried to explain, but she insisted "I disagree with you that we need to spend time with each other to be friends. As long as you care about someone, it has nothing to do with the time you spend together."
I hate to loose her as a friend, but the way things are I feel to irritated with her to go on being friends.
Her graduation is coming up, and to be honest I do not even want to go. I do not want to have to smile and act like all is ok with her when to be honest, it is not. (I would have to explain all the lousy things she has done to really show how much her words do not mirror her actions and are like knives - like being built up to be torn down.)
**So my questions is two-fold: is she a real friend like she insists she is, or is there something dysfunctional about this friendship like I feel?
If the later, what do I do? Do I go to her graduation and continue acting like all is ok? **