Living in a Defacto Relationship with Kids is it alright to take The Eucharist


Living with my partner for 5yrs,we have 3 children together ,another on the way next week.I’m a Catholic,and he is being baptised into the Catholic Church come Easter It is truly a blessing from God that my partner has come this far from not believing in a God to being Baptised . My concern is: Is it a sin to take holy communion because we aren’t married yet?Is it okay for my partner to take the sacrament of The Eucharist when he becomes baptised?
I’ve always thought that I wasn’t allowed to take holy communion because of my partner and I’s situation hence over the years I had refrained from taking the holy communion but only recently I’m slowly taking it because I really feel the need to have it but whether or not it is the right thing to do is another question. My parents say it is wrong ,my priest says it is up to me and Jesus.I can only pray that God has a plan for me and my partner in working towards finally being married but in the meantime is taking the Holy communion for me and soon to be my partner wrong?What does the Church say?


How do you need to take it if is not right?:confused: And no it is not right, it is a mortal sin. You can not receive the body and blood of Christ while having sexual relations outside of marriage. You must either go to confession and live as brother and sister until you are married if you wish to recieve or refrain until marry and go to confession. Your partner may recieve the Eucharist after he is baptized as long as you do not engage in sexual relations until your are married.


No, you should not receive the Eucharist in a state of mortal sin-- which is what you are in by having sexual relations outside of marriage.

You can rectify this by going to Confession and then abstaining from sexual relations until your marriage is validated. You both need to talk to your priest.



I know this is probably not the answer you are going to want to hear, but the Church says not to take the Eucharist in a state of mortal sin. Since you and your partner are not married and are living together, you are in the churches eye’s commiting a sin…a grave sin.

Are you planning to marry in the Catholic church at some point? Or had you or your partner been married before? I would suggest a few thoughts, if this is of great concern to you (which I imagine it is since you came to this board asking what the CHURCH says :slight_smile: ). First, go to confession with a trustworthy priest. Talk to him about getting married in the Catholic church. And then, decide what you need to do before that point.

After confession you could resume receiving the Eucharist :slight_smile: ( and so could your partner, if he also goes to confession). However, you cannot go back to “living together” (ie: a sexual relationship) before marriage. Though I have heard very orthodox priests say that if you live as brother and sister you may be allowed to live in the same house for the time before you are married in the church (I would still suggest talking to a priest about that—but I imagine since you have 3 kids, if you and your partner slept in different rooms for the couple of months before marriage, it might be okay).

Then once you are married in the church, it would be fully right to continue receiving the eucharist and living as a married couple would :slight_smile: I know much of what I said is certainly not easy, but I’m very certain it would be what the Church would say. I have a few friends/aquaintances in this situation, and this is what I’ve discussed with them and others.

I will pray for you both----especially the wonderful event of him coming into the Church. God Bless!! :slight_smile:


Your fornication partner is being baptized and nobody told him that the lifestyle you two are living is filled with mortal sin??? Is he hiding it or is the parish’s RCIA program brain-dead??? Pardon my bluntness, but I would have to question what else he is being led to believe.


When your boyfriend is baptized, all sins are washed away, all sins are forgiven. At that time he may partake in the Eucharist if properly prepared…

BUT (you saw that one coming, right?)

If he returns to the marital bed you share and you engage in sex outside of marriage - however commited you may be at this time - this is an impediment. Truly, it is not the ONLY impediment out there… He may also not rob banks, beat people up, steal cars, preach heresies…

As for you and your case… well it depends. It depends on this: have you made a good confession? Obviously you two have partaken in what a couple needs to partake of to make babies… While possible you have only done this twice (had triplets once, one more on the way!) I am going to assume that it has become a regular part of your life.

For reasons we could explore in another thread, this simply isn’t going to do when it comes to taking communion. Your parents are largely right. Your priest is being very lax here if he is leading you to beleive that there are no rules to deal with.

(Again, if he is your confessor and he happens to know you have recently made a good confession of all sins you can recall and you are no longer partaking of the marital act, this is a different story.)

I don’t want to be too bold, but given that you have 4 children and have been together for 5 years, why not consider taking advantage of this new life in Christ that your boyfriend is entering with his baptism? Why not get married and grow in Christ together as husband and wife?


A little charity goes a long way. I don’t condone it either… but years back when I was in a similar situation, if I had come here asking questions and was talked to in that fashion, I would have left, never come back, and said “to hell with it.”

No need to make things harder than they have to be.


Thank you all for your honest answers,you have all been of much help and have confirmed my first feelings in the matter. I know what must be done and I appreciate all of your input even that which seemed a little too harsh and judgemental(Norseman82).


Hi Olive,
Are you guys going to get married anytime soon? Just curious :slight_smile:

Congrats on the little one coming. Are you baptising your kids too? Curious again.

You have our prayers.


the living situation must be rectified before he is baptized and receives the other sacraments, and before you can return to the sacraments.

that means either he moves out and/or that you live as brother and sister (if that is better for the sake of the children that he remain in the home) until you are married.

this should have been covered before he was admitted to RCIA. Either he was not honest with the priest or RCIA director, or they have dropped the ball.
He should contact the priest today, without delay, and get the ball rolling. be prepared, that depending on your individual circumstance (which is pointless to discuss here) there may be a delay (not denial) in having the sacraments at Easter, until this situation can be addressed.

He must see the priest today.
Objectively neither of you is in the state of sanctifying grace so yo cannot receive the Eucharist.

You must also of course see the priest on your own for confession and direction on how to proceed to regularize your living and family situation.

your instincts are good and your conscience sounds like it is working well, so listen to it, go to the priest, rathern than to your parents or anyone who will tell you only what you want to hear. i want to sincerely apologize on behalf of the RCIA director who failed in his or her duty to you and to the father of your children.


I know I came off as harsh in my previous post, but what puzzleannie said basically sums up my concerns. I was extremely disturbed and alarmed at the possibility of the parish RCIA program “dropping the ball” as well as what was posted regarding the priest saying :

I greatly fear that bad - actually damaging - advice was given by people in authotity in the Church.

OP, let me give the “15 second summary” as to why the Church believes receiving communion in your circumstance is wrong:

  1. Sexual activity outside of a valid sacramental marriage is a mortal sin. It doesn’t matter if it is a cohabitating situation, or sneaking around, or a one-night stand, or whether or not there are kids involved.

  2. Receiving Eucharist in a state of mortal sin is itself a mortal sin classified as “sacrilege”.

I would also reiterate that before he gets baptized, the living situation gets corrected, because I don’t see the point of joining the Catholic Church if one is knowingly and deliberately going to violate a key moral law from the beginning.


It is wrong. There is no way to rationalize it. You obviously do not believe in what the Church teaches and only get yourself into more hot water each time you receive the Eucharist. And your partner will be planning to live with you as a brother with no intimacies until you rectify the situation?




Norseman, I did not think your post was harsh, I was wondering the exact same thing. How did he go through RCIA to the point of Baptism and no one told him that his living arrangement was contrary to Church Doctrine?. Your right again somone dropped the ball big time!


I was born and raised Catholic. My husband went through RCIA years ago and we had been married in a wedding chapel. The church had that on record and nobody told us there was any problem. My husband came into the church in 1997 we finally had our marriage convalidated in 2004 when we changed parishes. You’d be surprised how much this kind of stuff goes on.


I don’t know that I am all that surprised, I just think it is so terribly sad. When someone is going through RCIA they should be taught the exact teachings of The Church. If they are not then what is the point of RCIA?


Sadly, I wouldn’t be suprised at all.

To many priests have (unwarranted!) fear of alienating people by plain-speaking advocacy of the truth. A friend of mine from the seminary who did go on to be ordained has noted that when he arrived at one parish as the pastor initially, he would sit in the confessional for an hour and get one or two odd old lady whose confession “took about 30 seconds”…

Without preaching hell fire and brimstone, he did a sermon series actually explaining to people that they do need confession, it is a blessing not a chore, it improves the prayer life, and prepares you to recieve the Eucharist with grace and blessing. After that, confessions started to take 90 minutes, and he frequently calls in a priest from a teaching order that works at a high school to “work the other box”…

It doesn’t take much, but way too many are afraid to speak out. “olivemoeono” demonstrates people DO want answers, they are even prepared for the hard ones if they are true. We need to encourage our priests to gently but firmly just give us the truth.

Olivemoeono, being that you came here to get down to the bottom of things and get some answers, I really hope and pray you will consider them in the spirit they are intended - to instruct and guide, not comdemn. We want to see what is best for you and see you grow and come alive in Jesus. Please take these things to heart and pray about them.


Our previous parish was full of problems. My husband worked afternoons and couldn’t attend the week night meetings for RCIA, so they video taped them for him to watch. I would watch them too sometimes. I remember one when they all sat in the circle and the leader discussed the need to decide on ones values, what is right and wrong for each individual person at the meeting. So no there wasn’t church teaching, there a lot of touchy feely, moral relativity, and being a community but nothing about actual church teaching.
When we met with the priest at our new parish, he was familiar with the nun conducting the RCIA at our old parish and gave my husband a book to read that actually covered church teaching “as a supplement” :wink: .


Wow! I think we all should say a lot of prayers for the ones teaching RCIA! I am glad your husband has the Priest from your new parish.:slight_smile:


With my Spiritual upbringing with my parents being devout Catholics you’d think that I would had taken that step right from the beginning .My parents to this very day(I’m 28yrs old now) are very adamant on us being married and that we should of been married from the start.I know this sounds like a lame excuse but I am waiting for my partner to ask me:o
Our journey has been tough but I am putting my faith in him that he will see the Light,he’s come this far with wanting to be baptised into the catholic faith,I’m certain marriage is not far behind.In the meantime I must stop neglecting my faith and stop sitting on the fence and do what is right with our current situation.
Moving out is out of the question considering we have kids together although it had crossed my mind in the past,but although it may seem a little too late we will live as brother and sister(Meaning no funny business)until the day we get married,hopefully sometime in the not so distant future.That way we can both take Holy communion after we go to confession.I should of done something along time ago but I guesss I was naive and not truly following my faith,I only hope God forgives me for being negligent.The only thing I can think to do now is make things right,however late it seems.
I appreciate your congrats on our little one coming,we are excited too and Yes all 3 of our children were baptised when they were newborns and so will this one.And my partner has embraced the Catholic Faith with open arms which is something I never thought possibe so that in itself is a blessing.
God Bless


To Olive: hey, we all move at our own pace on this journey! The important thing is to keep moving, getting further and doing better as well as we can. Just don’t stay stagnant. Seems like you and your SO have made huge leaps together. And God will forgive you anything you ask him to forgive!

About RCIA: I went through it at age 22 to get confirmed. Had had my other sacraments, just never got that one… long story. (I was 8 months pregnant when I was confirmed. That poor bishop! I think I scared him. He looked like he thought I would give birth on the altar steps if he didn’t get done with me quick! :stuck_out_tongue: ) Anyway, I realized just how bad the program I went through was when my daughter was preparing for her Confirmation. They were learning about the Gifts of the Holy Spirit, which are the fruits of Confirmation, and I had NEVER heard that term before! This is after 7 years of Catholic school and a year in RCIA, and several years of sitting in pews listening to sermons. Never once to have heard that? I thought it was scandalous and felt robbed. :frowning:

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