I’m scared. Most of those points applied, as I read them my mind would race through different instances where these would apply and it goes back to the very beginning.
I am torn because I want to leave because I feel that would be the best for my kids and I but I so feel like staying and working on it would be best for my kids and him. Deep deep down I am hoping we can make it work. When it’s good it’s good and I feel like I’d be selfish if I left. My kids would have to be moved around until we got situated, what if he were to take the girls away from me, what if he’s right and the boys would hate me for it, what if he’s right and this is what God wants, what if I let God down by leaving, what if he tries to commit suicide because he gets so depressed that I left him all alone, what if we were getting better. Then there is the opposite where I start thinking what if this never works out for the better, what if my kids end up hating me for not leaving, what if God has given me a get out of there sign by having my old boss call me and tell me they want me back, what if we try but I’m still miserable, what if I’m not being selfish, what if me leaving would have an impact for the better on the kids. I’m just so torn. Things are getting a little better but I notice that this is only because I’m giving in to what he wants. But what if it’s getting better because God is helping us. My head spins
About the spiritual attack, I thought the same thing. I was about to lose my faith in my Heavenly Father but thanks to him and to my parents for always telling me how much he loves me and for guiding me towards his true church that I was able to shake it off with Gids protection, Jesus’ love, and guidence by the Holy Spirit.
What type of professional help should I seek?
My husband keeps telling me that I have post-partum but I don’t think so. I’m not wanting to go back to work because I feel useless I want to go back to work because I want to be able to buy my kids things they need without having to tell them that my husband says no. I love my kids and love having them with me. I really don’t like being around my husband because we argue about how he ridicules my beliefs or he tries so much to impose his beliefs, magazines, and other JW books on me. It stresses me out that he does that
One more thing…
If he were to find out about me being in this forum, I don’t know what would happen. I try to post when he’s not home. So I want to mention a thing that popped up yesterday and I want you all to help me here.
So we went to pick up my son’s from their after school program and on the way back like right after we picked up the kids, he asked my younger son how it went with the pledge of allegiance. My son said that he only did the last part and my husband asked him that if thought it was ok to do just a little to which my son said yes. Then my husband proceeded to tell my son how they have to prove God right and the devil wrong and by doing even a little of the pledge he was proving the devil right. At this I just about had it, as my son seemed worried from the moment my husband asked him the first question but looked ashamed and scared when he mentioned that. I couldn’t keep quiet anymore and told my husband that that was enough, that he tried and that was what mattered and that God loves us no matter what and he sees our efforts and not our faults. To which he said yeah I get it but God also has high standards and wants us to meet those high standards. To which I said ok but his love is greater and he sees the effort. Then he proceeded to say that my son seems to fall into peer pressure more than my other son and that this is helping him. So I said but telling him he lets God down will only bring him more down. Does God have such high standards that he will damn a child for doing the pledge of allegiance? Is the pledge of allegiance that bad? I hate that the JWs see all the bad but hardly focus on the good. It’s shattering my kids confidence that I worked so hard to build since they were in my womb.
Everything you have said points to an abusive relationship.
Please, please, know this is not normal. This is not what God wants for you of your kids.
Honestly, if I were to have divorced and my spouse remarried I would be filing for full custody if I saw my kids in such a situation with an abusive stepparent. Stepparent does not have the same authority as a parent.
This is not about the pledge of allegiance, it is far more sinister.
PLEASE call Catholic Charities at your Diocese, call a friend, call the school counselor, call someone who will help you. Moving is a tiny thing compared to your kid’s formation (they learn what marriage is from watching yours. Do you want your daughter to marry someone who treats her thusly? Do you want your sons to berate their wives?) and possibly their immortal souls.
Hi I see your points and it hits me like a heavy wake up slap on the face. The boys dad must feel like he has no authority as he was brought here as a child and his legal status is not let’s say the best. I too am in the same situation, I had my work permit do to the daca and it expired I am still waiting on my biometrics appointment to get it renewed so I can’t even drive without the possibility of gettting pulled over and told that I’m endangerment mg my children. I’m stuck and scared. If I ask my sister or brother they will help me and I know this for a fact but he will hate them and I’m scared that he will go after them with the whole you only have a permit but I was born here. I’m just scared. I’m scared and feel like a coward
I truly feel sorry for you. I was brought up in a JW home, and while my family was a good family that wasn’t overly doctrinaire, I saw the religion pull families apart. I had the good fortune of never being baptized, so I’m not treated like a pariah, but my younger sister was disfellowshipped, and for a very long time my stepmother would have nothing to do with her.
My advice to anyone involved with a JW is to get out. That may not be popular advice on a Catholic forum, but if you are truly married to a True Believer type, they will make your life, and the life of your children a misery. Again, not all JWs are like this, but this sounds like one of the more fanatical ones. My stepmother was like it, and is still like that, or so I’m told (I haven’t spoken to her in years, since my father finally got up the courage to divorce her and left the religion as well). The religion literally tore my immediate family apart, and it’s only in the last few months that my sister and I have been in contact again.
That is why it is REALLY important to call Catholic Charities.
Heck, google your town + state “Catholic Charities Immigration Services” and find the office nearest you.
I’m going to link a few that came up from a random google. I promise you that YOUR Diocese has an office where there are compassionate, trained experts who can give you the best advice.
Thank you so much. I will be looking into this tomorrow so that I can call without worry that he will catch me. Again thank you and please pray for us.
I pray for you every day that St Michael and all the Holy Angels will protect you and your children;
that your Guardian Angel will clear your path of obstacles, send the right people to help you and open doors;
that the Holy Spirit will give you the gift of discernment and courage to choose;
that you and your children will find freedom to worship in peace and joy.
Go never wants His children to be bludgeon to faith.
God never stresses capitulate or else; rather, He expresses: Choose Life… here’s the Biblical definition of Love:
15:13 A man can have no greater love than to lay down his life for his friends. (St. John)
13:4 Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; 13:5 it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and is not resentful. 13:6 Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; 13:7 it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. 13:8 Love does not come to an end. But if there are gifts of prophecy, the time will come when they must fail; or the gift of languages, it will not continue for ever; and knowledge – for this, too, the time will come when it must fail. 13:9 For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophesying is imperfect; 13:10 but once perfection comes, all imperfect things will disappear. 13:11 When I was a child, I used to talk like a child, and think like a child, and argue like a child, but now I am a man, all childish ways are put behind me. 13:12 Now we are seeing a dim reflection in a mirror; but then we shall be seeing face to face. The knowledge that I have now is imperfect; but then I shall know as fully as I am known. 13:13 In short, there are three things that last: faith, hope and love; and the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians)
What your husband leaves out is his portion of the responsibility; just like you must be obedient, he must also be obedient to Christ, Loving you and his family above himself; tearing you and the children down is not in any way related to God’s version of Love and True Worship.
Heard of brainwashing?
JW want’s allegiance only to themselves.
The sooner they breakdown the child’s mind the sooner they get to rebuild it in their own image and likeness… remember Satan’s manipulation with Eve? It is the same thing. You and your children are being corralled into a blind faith that reject God’s Revelation and seeks to serve God according to its own recreation of God.
I haven’t made a move yet. I had always heard stories about women getting abused by their spouses and staying and I always wondered what were they thinking why don’t they just leave. Now I know, I worry about him being all alone and also what if it’s me that is the bad one as I usually can’t stand him anymore even when he is trying to be nice, I feel like the bad guy like I’m the problem and think if I change to his liking all will be ok, I also think that no im not the problem that he is but what if he is really changing for the better. I can’t get myself to make a move. Last night my youngest had a meltdown, I was putting the baby to sleep and when I came out my husband was in the bathroom talking to him. Wheny husband came out he told me that my son was screaming at himself “I can’t do it” repeatedly. Before this incident, I had spoken to my son about my he doesn’t ever want to shower first and he told me that because if he showers second he gets less warm water and that showering in cold water (he heard my husband raving about how cold showers give you courage) will give him courage to not do the pledge. When my husband told me about my son’s meltdown, that was the first thing that popped into my mind and I felt guilty for his meltdown because I had asked him to shower first either way. My husband told me that do to my not participating in the family studies that was showing my son that Jehovah doesn’t matter and that’s why he wasn’t praying and having these meltdowns. I don’t like the studies because they interpret things differently in many instances so instead of ending the meeting with me feeling at peace I feel more stressed out and more guilty and selfish. I feel like the constant pushing of him not to do the pledge is what has gotten him like that. But I could be wrong and that’s what I’m unsure of. Then also my older son and I were playing a word game and then my husband called me that he needed to talk to me which was about the younger one’s meltdown and since his talks are never ending my son and I didn’t get to finish our game, when I was finally able to leave the conversation, I went to apologize to my son for taking so long that my husband and I were talking for a long time that we could continue the game and he said… daddy always wants to annoy people with his talking, we can’t finish the game because i have to shower and it’s late. These words coming out of my oldest shocked me because my husband always throws in my face how my oldest and him get along so well how my oldest loves him so much and how my oldest is closer to him than to me. I hugged my son and told him I was sorry
And then I told him how that was not nice to say but that I would talk to my husband about talking about important things or just chat when they were already in bed so that we could enjoy the boys company which would allow us to play games and such. My son liked that idea but was still sad of course.
An issue that has come up here is the whole not working overtime. It seems that living with a Jehovah witness is super hard. He claims that God doesn’t want us to work more than we have to. They are giving him mandatory overtime at work but he is refusing to take it because it will interfere with his preaching, Sunday meetings, and Monday’s are the days he takes me to do things. I feel like it’s just an excuse to be lazy as he can move his preaching around to other days but then he says that he wants to take the boys preaching and the only day he can do it is saturdays so that won’t work. Then Sunday’s, well that’s the day for the meeting and Jehovah comes first. And in Monday’s thats the day he spends with me. But here’s how I see it… Saturday’s even when the kids are here he sleeps in until like noon so usually doesn’t go preaching although he does go preaching sometimes. Then Sunday’s his meeting is at three I believe so he would have time to do his normal morning shift. Then Monday again he sleeps in until almost noon then sometimes we go where I need him to take me otherwise I have to compromise and take what I get or go where he takes me unless of course one of the girls has a doctor’s appointment then I wake him and then end up rushing him because he stays in bed. Anything I tell him he has a comeback to with either we have to trust in Jehovah to provide for us or Jehovah comes first. When I told him that God said that the man is to work and provide for his family he rebuked it with but god says that there are limits and I don’t need to work overtime I just need to work my forty hours and we have to trust that Jehovah will provide for us. So I get irritated and just don’t say anything. I feel like God is providing help for us by him being able to make overtime especially right now that we are barely getting by and that I’m worried he might lose his job. I told him we should move then to a cheaper place and then he says that God blessed us with this home that we all like it and that it won’t be the best to move kids around again, but I feel like this house was not a blessing this house was and is a responsibility handed to us by his parents because they didn’t want to let it go when they moved out of state, a home that my husband felt was his obligation to take care of for his parents. But I guess in a sense it is a blessing because the kids like it. I so stressed out and feel like he is making all the wrong choices for the right reasons but also feel like I should get out of this before it gets worse. Yet start to think but what if it’s getting better what if I leave and it was supposed to get better. I can’t take this
Abusers can change, with professional mental and emotional counseling/treatment, with frequent reception of the Sacraments, and with understanding that they are at risk of losing their family.
Set up an appointment with your pastor and at least begin some spiritual counseling for you and the kids.
They won’t just leave because they think it’s their fault and that things will get better.
They think things will get better if they do what their abuser wants them to do. Fact is, it cannot get better while the abuse remains.
Meanwhile, the abuser has no wish nor need to stop the abusive behaviour, until the victim(s) is totally compliant and crushed.
Abusers can change, but why would they?
I’m Dominican… I come from a culture of machismo. I’ve been abused and seen abuse… it is not a pretty picture… too many times people look the other way or pretend it is not there or are genuinely ignorant that the abuse is taking place…
Here’s what took place in my home… Know that Mom was the most devout Catholic ever; I would kid that she was more Catholic than the Pope (never to her since she would quickly correct me for being disrespectful)… I never saw him physically touch Mom… but he badgered her almost daily on almost every single issue… when Mom would shutdown (she was never disrespectful nor used profanities nor shouted/yelled)… he would reconsider… it was the Jekyll and Hyde, thing… after the Hyde was sated the Jekyll would come back with ‘Pulula… lo que yo quiero es complacerla…’ (Pulula, all I want is to please you…) or some other tired and choreographed pretense of love, care, and service…
Many of hollowood’s romances are precisely stereo typed in that ‘I hate you because I love you’ theme. Patching thins up with chocolates, flowers, or constructed/feigned sings of affection only after destroying and oppressing the ones that they purport to “love” and only to maintain control and access so that they could repeat the cycle over and over again.
…then there’s that hollowood training that females have gotten: ‘man is always right, even when his beating you down’ and ‘woman is always the cause why her man would beat, cheat, abuse, freak out, explode, and kill her.’
Do you want to see yourself on the wrong end of the “love?” Just suggest to him that you need family counseling. Sadly, when things go wrong the abuser is the last person to accept that he/she needs to give up his/her anger/abusive behavior. It’s like that cartoon sketch that has been carried from old: ‘a man at a bar is told by the bartender that he has had enough, that he should go home; he turns to the bartender and tells him, ‘I know when I’ve had enough’ and as he starts to slide off the stool he picks up the glass and exclaims, ‘hit me again, barkeep!’ and slopes down to the floor.’
Please do not play the self-blame game or the waiting game or the what if game… if nothing more, get some personal counseling from your local Priest–if you have family members that are trustworthy let them in on what you are experiencing, if nothing else they can serve as moral support while you go through this experience.
I can’t sort out why anyone would wait around for the abuser to change their ways. If someone is either physically or psychologically abusing you, they’ve already gone down a dark path and I fail to see why anyone who is abused feels they have any obligation at all to help their tormentor? If a person cannot see the evil of their actions, then I think the responsibility of the victim, particularly where children are involved, is to flee the torment. I realize it’s more complex than that, and I had two very close relations who spent decades in abusive relationships before finally freeing themselves, and in both cases their rationale was “It was for the children”, and yet it was the children that in some ways suffered the most.
They don’t see the nee to change because they have things as they want it–I think that it is also rationalized that they are not being abusive… I can still recall a situation with a lovely woman that I met while I was in my early teens… she was so kind and loving and lovely, made me wish I was old enough to court her… one day I met a man, she said that he was helping get her legal status resolved… it seem that the man saw an opportunity that he could not pass by; eventually, she came to visit Mom again with the man and a child… if was frightful. The child was but a few years old and she started fidgeting, the man turned to her and commanded her to sit still… the tone on his voice was so stern, perhaps only less stern then his facial expression (which I did not see as I was standing behind him–but I saw the little girl’s reaction)… that poor child sat there, motionless, till they left. It still breaks my heart today… and I feel my eyes tearing as I type this…
I’m pretty sure that man was as proud as many others who boast of how they control their wife/s and kids.
The problem is that the abuser inoculates against “reason” and “flight” by convincing the victim/s that they are the ones causing strife–that it is they who are causing all of the problems in the relationship and that it is they who don’t love or care enough to support the abuser in “doing the right thing.”
Consider the general situation of a womanizer and the females he uses… the same sexual pleasures that a woman get from a man, a man gets from a woman; the same does not translate in terms of values… a womanizer pretends that he loves the woman; he establishes a repore where his victims must agree to his terms of “relationship” and he further brings this home as he makes each of his victims feel that they are not able to do without him; that no other man would stoop to “love/care” for them as he. Its the break them down to keep them down, thing or the reverse build them up and tear them down–in hollowood’s parley ‘keep then wanting more.’
Sadly, by the time they start to think that they may be caught in a trap they are so deep in it that they actually believe that they are the cause of all that is wrong in the relationship–remember some of that hollowood’s love hate romance? …usually when the abuser explodes he/she always claims ‘look at what you made me do!’
He’s Puerto Rican and I’m Mexican. He has always said that us Mexicans are used to women getting beat by our men that our nothing but walking machismo, that Puerto Rican and especially not in his family are machista. I don’t know if that’s true but my dad was so awesome I can’t recall a time when him and my mom fought in front of us. I think the first time I heard them argue was when I was like 17. So I would only hear about these machismo stereotypes.
I’m just worried that he is right and that I’m the problem. I do get angry at him now, I don’t feel any more love towards him no matter how hard I try, I start feeling uncomfortably anxious when I know he is about to get home from work or he is about to wake up on his days off. But he says that I make him feel like not coming home sometimes, that I don’t listen to his advice and all he is trying to do is help, that I start yelling at him for no reason. Like today and the whole overtime, he said I just tore him down and started to make it bigger then it was and that I wouldn’t let him talk. That he only tried to make Jehovah proud and spend time/take care of me. He said that I tell him all the time tht he is lazy, can’t take care of his family or kids. He said that even tough I don’t say it directly that that’s what I make it seem like. I’m just scared that I’m the bully trying to act the victim. He told me today that he is seriously thinking about telling the elders that he wants to separate even though that means he won’t have privileges, that that’s how miserable I make him. I didn’t say anything but I wanted to say that I want a divorce I was just too scared of his reaction. I hope he is serious about the separation part and I will make it easy on him where he doesn’t have to take the first move. I’m just scared that it will turn out nasty or that he will take the girls from me. I start thinking, what if we separate and all is good but the. One day he picks up the girls and I never see them again. That thought stops me dead in my tracks and I can’t make the move