Living with/leaving abusive relationship


#1

My husband has major narcissistic traits, which I’ve spoken to priests and counselors about. I was told it was abuse and neglect, and advised to get out of the situation. This has been compounded by the fact I’ve had major health issues, including breast cancer, which I worked full time during, and this year, I’m now seeing a neurosurgeon for issues in my spine, told could even lead to paralysis.(not worrying about that now, remembered I did the St. Bridget prayers, and one of the promises is guarding your senses)When I couldn’t get through a shift without taking pain meds, husband said problem was I wasn’t working enough:eek: Still seeing oncologist, found a mass on adrenal gland, spot on liver and lung. Will redo MRI’s in april to compare. Husband refuses to put daughter and I on health insurance, and now I’m on short term disability, which only last 12 weeks. I only get paid 16 hours a week, and after insurance and car payment, I have no money left for medicine and copays,or even gas to get to appointments, which husband tells me he can’t help me with. Family has helped me, but can’t keep going to them, as they are also on limited incomes. I left for a couple months and stayed with my dad, during which time I discovered alcoholic husband was drinking again and trashing the house. I couldn’t in good conscience leave daughter in that situation, so came back home. She’s 18 and finishing her senior year. I encouraged her to go with me but she wanted to stay home.(he’s been the Disney Land dad to her) Spoke with an EAP counselor yesterday, and felt I was being abused again. She told me to leave, then turned around and asked how I could leave daughter here:confused: I explained I didn’t know he was drinking and trashing my house, and that’s why I came back. I was told I’m not eligible for legal or medical assistance unless we are separated, and he won’t leave, so I was told to go to the YWCA or something (my dad is moving soon out of state, wants me to go after daughter graduates.) Anyway, spoke with a lawyer this week. He suggested filing for seperate maitenance where husband could be made to put us on health insurance (if I can’t go back to work before disability runs out, daughter and I will be without, which we obviously need) and made to give me support, I’ve been just completely ignoring and avoiding him, but this is still no way to live. I feel the “marriage” is irreconcilable, as his abuse has been getting worse, and he refuses to try to work it out or get help. At this point, I just want to get out, put this all behind me, heal, and get on with my life. I want my daughter to be able to stay at home to finish school, but lawyer not sure if he can get him out filing for separate maintenance, and if I file for divorce and it’s is final before I can get back to work, I have no medical coverage:( Please keep this situation in your prayers. Any advice, resources, support greatly appreciated.


#2

Just want to add that it is important for me to spend this time with my daughter, I enjoy the day to day encounters, and know the time before she graduates and moves on will go way too fast.


#3

i feel for you. Remember your daughter does not know him like you do. He shows her a different face. Someday he will show the true face.

Please listen to your lawyer. Take his advice. If you feel at all afraid of spouse, let your attorney know. Maybe on that basis they can make him leave the premises.

Please call your local SafePlace. They may be able to help you with a place to stay. Ignore the stupid therapist who asked you why you left your daughter there. That’s why I stopped “therapy.”

Do not be sure your lawyer cannot ask for and receive alimony and medical insurance from the ex in a divorce settlement, at least for a period of time to get you on your feet. A judge may just grant it considering your medical vulnerability.

Prayers your way. :frowning:


#4

St. Rita, pray for us.
St. Raphael, the Archangel, pray for us.
St. Peregrine (spelling?), pray for us.


#5

gospachild,

Welcome to the Forum. When posting, please break your post into paragraphs for easier reading. You may have more people assist if they can get through your post with ease.

That said, you certainly are going through a ton of stressful stuff right now. I will add you to my prayers.


#6

a big ditto!!


#7

What they said…

LET GO AND LET GOD…All those details you mentioned…TRUST GOD. Give them to Christ. Let Him guide you from now on. Trusting God that whatever happens with the details could be His will.

Also:
www.armsonline.org
The PTSD Sourcebook

I have been so healed through readiang and understanding the Theology of the Body as it relates to marriage. For me, understanding what makes a marriage valid in the eyes of God helped me get over the guilt associated with leaving the abuse.


#8

I think a seperation here should be seen as mandatory. Listen to your lawyer and get “seperate maintanence.” He should be obligated to care for you and your daughter. If he isn’t doing that, then it’s time to take action.

You might try the YWCA. The one here in town has a battered women’s program. What you experience may not be physical abuse, but it’s still abuse. Your daughter is at the age where she can make her own decisions on who she lives with, and where.

My prayers are with you.


#9

I went through all this for 6 long years in my marriage… believe it or not sometimes we go under furnice, the difference only is that I work full time 56 hours a week… I have run away for thesame reason, can’t handle the abuse anymore and stayed in the Hotel for 2 days, I was crying all by myself because I have no family here to help me… After I eat my lunch in the Hotel I heared a voice unreal saying "for better and for worse, in sickness and in health do you part"… I cannot understand where the voices coming from I am alone in the Hotel and the TV was not one or any radio, the words echo… I weep so hard upon hearing it, because my husband is an alcoholic, he had been sober for 10 years before we got married, then after 2 years of our marriage we fought so much of our differences, his neglegence,emotionally to me and no insurances or financial support from him so I provide mysef and for him. For all those years.

Anyway after I cried and cried for 2 days I realised I did vow in the altar to love him " for better and for worse in sickness and in health til death do we part" and he is very sick, although I am very sick myself and hopeless for all I needed from him, but a person under some influence are incapable even to love and care for us. I came back home. He did not even know that I was gone for 2 days… I was sleeping in the couch those time for almost a year, off and on. Then I dreamed of the Mother Mary telling me if I want this to go away, the “thorns”. I have to pray the Rosary everyday, That was month of April… the problem did not go away for another 2 more painful months… I rode my bicycle going to work everyday for about 8 miles for a long time because we are also very poor. If its windy I have to walk with my bicycle. On my way to work everyday I pray to God begging Him for healing for me and for my husband under the influence of the evil in alcoholism, then I found the www.spiritualtreasury.org I learned that offering Mass for the living heals, spiritually and physically. So Every 2 weeks after I got my paycheck I set aside 10 dollars to send to Chicago for Mass offering… I continued to Pray the Rosary everyday, and I took holy water and bless our house including my husband who is drunk 24/7 I dont know how he manage to get drunk like this… he probably get out at noon, he steals my money and buy boose even without sleepers or shoes because I hid them in our roof so he cant go anywhere, but those are useless… I still come home and find him drunk in our bed, he doesnt work, and he use to hit me too, once in awhile… my heart bleeds, I cry on my sleep all the time in the couch, my only consolation is the Mass on EWTN all night for this period of 2 months I never got hit anymore, I stop nagging him for his change, I beg him to come back to life because I am so lonely without him… (I still cried remembering my life those time).

Then oneday, with all the Massess offered, the Rosaries I said devotedly and God all over me… I got 3 days off and he asked me to buy him gatorade and can foods which I obey and I watched him sober in the couch for 3 days, I never leave him, he shakes like no other. I prayed and prayed… he could have died in that couch because many years of drinking hard liquor could have damage his enternal organs already etc, but he doesnt want to go to the hospital either… after he had sober, He went to AA meeting (he looks like a living dead), got a sponsor and work towards recovery and from then on he never drinks anymore for 4 years now. We are already 10 years and a half married now… the trials is really hard, but I persevere and reach out my husband in the pit of distruction… I forgot about myself, my pains, my health, my sanity and my pride. I totally forgot myself within that 2 months… I work and work only and pray even when I am infront of the customer. Oh its hard to pretend that our life is okey where in fact its not, but HOPE IN GOD is what I hold on to FIRMLY… (I OFTEN SAID TO MYSELF THOSE DAYS, I CANT GIVE UP MY HUSBAND TO THE DEVIL, SO I MUST HELP HIM) and I could only share this much, the 6 years of abuse was gone, although scar is still there… But GOD do answer prayers, and he is also our insurance, our real DOCTOR, Miracle happens in our home when we start to TOTALLY TRUST HIM… I dont mean a TRUST that last only for couple of days… but a total submersion to His care and Love (ALSO OUR CONVERSION). From then on we went back to church, and do penance,confessions and the Eucharist; now I dont work Saturday and Sunday as our part of going back to God in fullness of our commitment and thanks giving for His goodness. We got out on our trials totally reformed, our transformation is the witness of our getting out from the fire of trials. I hope my story will serve purpose if not your life but for others as well. Thank you for reading.


#10

Thank you all so much for your support and prayers. I’ve had, and will continue to have, masses said for my family, and I pray for my husband and entire family daily
. Father Peter Rookey prayed over me this summer, after which I can only describe as a gift of clarity was given to me, where I saw things that have been going on more clearly, and was able to look at material things and know they ment nothing. I am positive that God won’t get me to this without getting me through it : )
Right now, I’m following my lawyers advice. I ask your prayers at this time for the protection and safety of me and my family.
I found this link the other day

bullyeq.com/strange_psycho_behaviour.htm

very creepy, as it describes my husband so closely.
I truly wish him only the best, but as someone said before, me tolerating his abuse certainly won’t sanctify him, and I no longer wish to enable him to continue.
Again, please keep me in your prayers:signofcross:


closed #11

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