Locked husband out Part 2!


#1

Well, I finally spoke to my husband on new year’s eve…actually I called because I have a feeling that he has purchased another house and has been fixing it up, that’s why he refused to go back to California with me. I asked him about it…he, of course, denied that it was his house, he said it belonged to the brother of a friend of his and was just helping him fix it up…I then asked why he was spending money on it…he claimed that he owed him money and that was how he was repaying him…lies I’m sure. I don’t think the house is actually in his name, he can’t do it without my consent, but I wouldn’t doubt that someone got it for him. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter anymore.

He was furious because he couldn’t get in the house…he said he looked bad having a house and not being able to stay in it. I asked him how could I be sure that he wouldn’t bring his girlfriends over, and he said just cause he wouldn’t and how could I think that he would…of course I laughed and reminded him him how he’d done it already. He said not to worry that I wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore that he would move his things out when I got back. He then continued to say that if it made me feel better to blame him for everything then to go ahead, and I said I didn’t blame him for everything I told him I knew that I made my share of mistakes but I was willing to ammend those mistakes and do things differently, which I did. I then told him that the only person blaming here was him, that he blamed me for everything that went wrong which is why he made the decision to turn outside the marriage and get what he wanted, had he put some blame on himself he would have stuck around with patience, understanding and love to try and make things work but he didn’t. Therefore, it’s obvious that it was all my fault, I was what was wrong with his relationship and I was also dispensable and replacable. So I told him to do what made him happy after all that’s all that matters, that he is happy no matter at who’s expense. I went on to tell him how selfish I think he is and how he doesn’t know what real love is, that I know that he doesn’t know the meaning of sacrifice because the only thing that matters is what is good for him. I am now back and waiting to talk to him so that he can come and get his things. I guess I knew all along that locking him out would push things to the limit, and I really didn’t see any change in him, any desire to be a family man so what else is there to do?


#2

Lexee maybe it’s time to only communicate with him through your lawyer…let him get his things and go…alert your lawyer of the possibility of a new house/investment…then go take a bath and relax. You can’t control him, but you can choose to not interact and get so upset anymore. You can’t trust what he says anyway, so why bother putting yourself through those conversations? God is going to provide and take care of you. Leave things to the lawyers (and God, of course)!


#3

Agree w/ PA–time to disengage…how much more proof do you need that nothing but ugliness will come from these confrontations?!


#4

No more proof needed!!! I did text message him on new year’s eve night to let him know that I wished him a safe and happy new year and sent a pic of the baby…I let him know that I knew there was nothing left, but that I had truely loved him and I apologized for any hurt I may have caused him. I just felt like he needed to know that after everything he’s done I know that I’ve also hurt him and that I’m not above admitting it and apologizing for it. He then texted me back wishing me a happy ny and apologizing for what he’s put me through…I don’t know how sincere he was but I meant it.

I wish things would have been different, but that’s life and I have to move on, I have to do what’s best for my children and for my mental and emotional health for my children. I have called my attorney and left a message so I’m just waiting for a call back.


#5

I agree is Island Oak and Princess Abbey - and with YOU…I know you are hurting, and I think it is admirable that you have admitted to your part in creating the havoc in your life. But if you really want to heal, it’s time to say good-bye and no more text messages, phone calls or emails…let the lawyers do the talking, and file the papers…and, listen, he is going to do a lot of things without your consent and behind your back…it is no reflection on you but I suspect it will still hurt. Remember, no matter what, you are loved and so is he…hang in there, kiddo.


#6

[quote=LSK]I agree is Island Oak and Princess Abbey - and with YOU…I know you are hurting, and I think it is admirable that you have admitted to your part in creating the havoc in your life. But if you really want to heal, it’s time to say good-bye and no more text messages, phone calls or emails…let the lawyers do the talking, and file the papers…and, listen, he is going to do a lot of things without your consent and behind your back…it is no reflection on you but I suspect it will still hurt. Remember, no matter what, you are loved and so is he…hang in there, kiddo.
[/quote]

This is why lawyers get paid the big bucks. Let the lawyer do his thing. I know you can’t act as if you don’t know him (I can think of two reasons why), but the distance will be good. Still praying for you!


#7

[quote=OutinChgoburbs]This is why lawyers get paid the big bucks. Let the lawyer do his thing. I know you can’t act as if you don’t know him (I can think of two reasons why), but the distance will be good. Still praying for you!
[/quote]

You’re all right about keeping my distance, I guess somehow I am still holding out hope that he’ll come to his senses and realize what he’s losing. Stupid huh? I know I have to do this I just soooo don’t want to. I don’t want my marriage to end, I guess I’m still holding on to what I thought it was going to be, holding on to a fantasy only with my child and the other on the way it wasn’t completely a fantasy, I can’t put it behind me or forget about this bad experience, this mistake because everytime I look at them I’ll be reminded all over again about what wasn’t…what couldn’t be…about my failure to my children. I wonder why we feel that…when we know we are being reasonable and logical about the decisions that need to be made.


#8

[quote=Lexee15]You’re all right about keeping my distance, I guess somehow I am still holding out hope that he’ll come to his senses and realize what he’s losing. Stupid huh? I know I have to do this I just soooo don’t want to. I don’t want my marriage to end, I guess I’m still holding on to what I thought it was going to be, holding on to a fantasy only with my child and the other on the way it wasn’t completely a fantasy, I can’t put it behind me or forget about this bad experience, this mistake because everytime I look at them I’ll be reminded all over again about what wasn’t…what couldn’t be…about my failure to my children. I wonder why we feel that…when we know we are being reasonable and logical about the decisions that need to be made.
[/quote]

Is this a normal feeling? I don’t see my counselor until the end of the week so I’ll ask her the same thing then, in the meantime what do you all think?


#9

[quote=Lexee15]Is this a normal feeling? I don’t see my counselor until the end of the week so I’ll ask her the same thing then, in the meantime what do you all think?
[/quote]

ABSOLUTELY!

BUT, do not equate “normal feelings” with “healthy feelings”. Many times, what we feel about any given situation is normal in that they are the feelings that are felt by the majority of people going through the same, or similar, situations. In other words, the feelings are the norm. However, the norm is not always the best, not always the healthiest and not always the goal.

When my husband and baby died, the feelings of grief and anger I felt were very normal. My reaction to those feelings were not, and that is an entire story in and of itself.

What I have learned (the hard way) is that there is a way of life that The Holy Mother Church advocates for us if we wish to walk towards holiness. It is not an easy walk, though on the face of it it is simple. It does require me, however, to hold myself to a much higher standard of behavior than I would hold myself given my druthers (and I have been given my druthers several times over my 50 years on this planet, and my way has always gotten me into trouble - darn those druthers anyway). And I have learned that, for me, “*acting as it” - *or taking the actions that the lifestyle demands - is necessary even if I do not feel like doing it.

Of course, if one is devestated by circumstances, medical help may be necessary. I’m not just saying, “Buck up! Get Moving! Go for it!”. For some of us, the depression and anxiety caused by life’s blows require more help than simply making our upper lip as stiff as possible and plowing through…but that is what good counselors are for, and good priests.

You are not nuts, you are not abnormal. You are a wife and mother who has been handed a heavy cross to bear. It is up to you how you are going to bear it - kicking and screaming or with grace and dignity.

You are in my prayers.


#10

[quote=Lexee15]Is this a normal feeling? I don’t see my counselor until the end of the week so I’ll ask her the same thing then, in the meantime what do you all think?
[/quote]

The end of a relationship is a death. You are experiencing grief, and along with that comes some denial about what is happening and wishing it would go away or suddenly be different or better.

In time you will not look at your children and remember the loss so vividly and painfully. You will see the beauty and individuality of your children, regardless of where they came from and who helped make them.

Until then, it is normal the experience all the stages of grief and hopefully your counselor will help you work through those feelings. Remember, too, that feelings are only feelings and just because you “FEEL” like you may not ever move past this, does not make it true. You’ll be okay. :slight_smile:


#11

Lexee:

I don’t have much to add to the excellent advice you’ve already received except a few practical things… Don’t send him anything more in email or writing. You might find it thrown in your face in a court room. If you must communicate, state the facts in writing and send a certified letter. Moreover, when he comes over to get his things, leave the house ahead of time, or make certain that a solid friend is there with you to help you resist any last pleas he might make. In fact, if a trusted friend (or another couple) could be at your home instead of you, that would be the best. Take anything that is really important to you, such as legal documents, insurance card information, income records, tax files, etc out of the home and store them elsewhere until he is through with the house. Or make two photocopies of each and be prepared to give him a copy (or the original if the records are legally his). Then, call a locksmith and change every lock in your house. Get a new garage door opener too. And if you can afford one, a security company. Start new bank and credit accounts asap if you haven’t already done so in your name only. Do not give your husband any passwords or codes. In fact, you might want to go and buy yourself a new laptop computer, begin your own (new) email account, using passwords, logins and key chains that are not know to him. Email stuff from your old computer to your new computer asap. Keep your new computer away from him, keep it’s existence from his knowledge. Also, some places will let you search title records for property ownership. You might find out if he owns other property from on-line tax records. This way, you can find out if he owns any property that you don’t know about. Finally, for your own sake, avoid drama and seek humility. God will take care of you.


#12

[quote=Cupofkindness]Lexee:

I don’t have much to add to the excellent advice you’ve already received except a few practical things… Don’t send him anything more in email or writing. You might find it thrown in your face in a court room. If you must communicate, state the facts in writing and send a certified letter. Moreover, when he comes over to get his things, leave the house ahead of time, or make certain that a solid friend is there with you to help you resist any last pleas he might make. In fact, if a trusted friend (or another couple) could be at your home instead of you, that would be the best. Take anything that is really important to you, such as legal documents, insurance card information, income records, tax files, etc out of the home and store them elsewhere until he is through with the house. Or make two photocopies of each and be prepared to give him a copy (or the original if the records are legally his). Then, call a locksmith and change every lock in your house. Get a new garage door opener too. And if you can afford one, a security company. Start new bank and credit accounts asap if you haven’t already done so in your name only. Do not give your husband any passwords or codes. In fact, you might want to go and buy yourself a new laptop computer, begin your own (new) email account, using passwords, logins and key chains that are not know to him. Email stuff from your old computer to your new computer asap. Keep your new computer away from him, keep it’s existence from his knowledge. Also, some places will let you search title records for property ownership. You might find out if he owns other property from on-line tax records. This way, you can find out if he owns any property that you don’t know about. Finally, for your own sake, avoid drama and seek humility. God will take care of you.
[/quote]

This is great advice.

Lex, print it out and use it as a to-do list!!! :slight_smile:


#13

[quote=Cupofkindness]Lexee:

I don’t have much to add to the excellent advice you’ve already received except a few practical things… Don’t send him anything more in email or writing. You might find it thrown in your face in a court room. If you must communicate, state the facts in writing and send a certified letter. Moreover, when he comes over to get his things, leave the house ahead of time, or make certain that a solid friend is there with you to help you resist any last pleas he might make. In fact, if a trusted friend (or another couple) could be at your home instead of you, that would be the best. Take anything that is really important to you, such as legal documents, insurance card information, income records, tax files, etc out of the home and store them elsewhere until he is through with the house. Or make two photocopies of each and be prepared to give him a copy (or the original if the records are legally his). Then, call a locksmith and change every lock in your house. Get a new garage door opener too. And if you can afford one, a security company. Start new bank and credit accounts asap if you haven’t already done so in your name only. Do not give your husband any passwords or codes. In fact, you might want to go and buy yourself a new laptop computer, begin your own (new) email account, using passwords, logins and key chains that are not know to him. Email stuff from your old computer to your new computer asap. Keep your new computer away from him, keep it’s existence from his knowledge. Also, some places will let you search title records for property ownership. You might find out if he owns other property from on-line tax records. This way, you can find out if he owns any property that you don’t know about. Finally, for your own sake, avoid drama and seek humility. God will take care of you.
[/quote]

Along with the Princess, may I simply add
absolutely!


#14

Lexee… I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. You are getting great advice, I have nothing to add there, but remember too that you and your family are in our prayers. Hang in there.


#15

Lexee,

I wanted to add something that I may have posted on another thread: sadly, in court you need to show that your husband is incompetant/unfit as a father. Demand supervised visits, if ever there will be any. He has abandoned his other children, and this is the basis (along with his treatment of your children) for your case. Also, and this is the most important thing I will type: you must establish legal guardians for your children in the event of your untimely death as soon as legally possible. Next, you must complete a medical power of attorney so that in the unlikely, but tragic event that something should happen to you while you are still legally married, your husband has no authority over your medical care. Also, do you have life insurance through your husband’s job? Who is the beneficiary? Get your husband off the policy. Can you maintain the policy on yourself after your divorce? About this baby’s upcoming birth: make it clear to your OB and the hospital staff that your husband is not allowed to see you or be in the hallway while you are in labor, tell the nurses station on the maternity/post-partum floor as well. Tell them in writing ahead of time and verbally when you go into labor. Inform your husband via certified mail that this is the case for your birthing plans, so it’s on the record. I can only imagine how hard this is to hear, but please know that I’m writing this so that you will not have to deal with any more anguish from your husband. God bless you and your babies.


#16

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.