Loneliness and desire


#1

In any marriage, even in the best of circumstances, loneliness and desire can be a problem if mutual needs aren’t being met, whether intentionally or due to factors beyond one’s control. ( even those ordered to the marriage vows, such as illness, etc…) Still, the feelingas can pull a partner or both partners away from each other. I am feeling loneliness and desire, due to the fact that my role as spouse is more than 50% that of a caregiver. I don’t want to fall into sin, but I do have needs and desires, and loneliness. Physically and emotionally, and generally not through her own fault, My wife is unable to provide all the the things we used to be able to share with each other unreservedly. I don’t blame her, and I don’t want to sin, but I am ‘only human’ for lack of a better term. Please pray, and also offer any advice, experiences, etc… in this regard. This would be best from those who are in similar circumstances, spousal caregivers, etc… Of course, please don’t give advice that might lead to sin. Not only are such things an affront to God, and dangerous to my soul, but they also would make the situation worse, and its hard enough already.


#2

First off, my prayers for you and your wife.

What I have found helpful, for myself, is to focus on what I should be doing rather than trying to avoid that which I shouldn’t be doing.

Spend even more time in prayer, in Church, and read the Bible more often. Pray with your wife. Read the Bible with your wife. Focus on those things that are good and right and keep them ever first most on your mind. Find something, every hour, for which you can sincerely thank the Lord.

When temptation comes, pray to God, to Mary, to Joeseph, and to your patron saint for help. Then, instead of struggling with the temptation or trying to reationalize away the sinfullness of the temptation, open the Bible and read a few verses. Stop by the Church and light a candle. Go to your wife and tell her you love her.

My prayers for you and your wife.


#3

[quote="traillius, post:1, topic:225413"]
In any marriage, even in the best of circumstances, loneliness and desire can be a problem if mutual needs aren't being met, whether intentionally or due to factors beyond one's control. ( even those ordered to the marriage vows, such as illness, etc...) Still, the feelingas can pull a partner or both partners away from each other. I am feeling loneliness and desire, due to the fact that my role as spouse is more than 50% that of a caregiver. I don't want to fall into sin, but I do have needs and desires, and loneliness. Physically and emotionally, and generally not through her own fault, My wife is unable to provide all the the things we used to be able to share with each other unreservedly. I don't blame her, and I don't want to sin, but I am 'only human' for lack of a better term. Please pray, and also offer any advice, experiences, etc.. in this regard. This would be best from those who are in similar circumstances, spousal caregivers, etc.. Of course, please don't give advice that might lead to sin. Not only are such things an affront to God, and dangerous to my soul, but they also would make the situation worse, and its hard enough already.

[/quote]

I will pray for you, and for an abundance of grace in your life. These are the situations that create saints.
I don't have any advice... only to read more about the lives of saints and the joys they had through their sufferings.


#4

I am caregiver to my wife also. She has Alzheimers and I have "unfulfilled needs"....
I should note that my Dear Wife is 16 years older than I, she is 72 and I am 56.

The situation you are in is a common one for caregivers. Whether it be sexual inimacy, emotional intimacy (hugging, carressing etc) or just the ability to have a meaningful conversation, finding ourselves left without some large component of our partner is devastating and difficult.

I wish I could offer some quick and easy "fix" for this problem. Unfortunately I have none to offer. I can offer hope... As time goes on it will get better.
One thing that proved very helpful to me was the rosary in bed. Sometimes I would even fall asleep while praying it but that did not matter. It refocused my mind toward that which is good and Holy. I particularly identified with the sorrowful mysteries as I watched my dear lady slide into the mists. I pled with God as Christ did in the Garden. I wept as we were beaten down like Christ at the pillar. Finally I saw the we must except our crown of thorns and now - we are carrying our cross toward her passion and death....

I share these images because of something else I found to be very helpful when temptation became strong. The image of Christ on the Cross. I would pray, "Father, take me to the foot of the cross". Then the image would come to me of the fott of the cross. I never really looked up at christ, but observed his feet, and the cross going into the ground. The filth, the blood, the sweat, mingling in the dirt until it is muddy, and recognizing that it is from sin that this image exists. How could I sin with such an image before me.

Over time, the temptations lessened until they became little more than an occasional nuisance. Yet I retain that image of the foot of the cross. I hold it as a dear posession and defence against future problems.

I don't know the particulars of your situation but hope that some of this is of help.

If you'd like to PM me please feel free.

Peace
James


#5

thanks. I hope things can improve.


#6

I don't know you, nor your specific situation, but I feel I need to tell you this, and you can decide if is applies to you.

My grandmother had Alzheimer's disease, and for all my teenage years (until my grandfather passed away), I watched him care for her. He was patient, loving, and kind. He would grab her hand, and dance with her around the room. He would make her favorite breakfast every morning, even when she had trouble feeding herself, and it was unclear to all of us if she even knew what she was eating. He was magnificent.

When I had to write an essay on my hero, I chose my grandfather. I cannot tell you how much I respect that man. Even as a teenager, with so little life experience, I saw a hero. I do not even have the words to BEGIN to tell you how much I now respect him, and the sacrifices he chose to make on a daily basis, with that smile that was always on his face. If you are even 1/10 the man my grandfather was, you are a hero. And God sees that.

I will pray for you today.


#7

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