Thank you all for your input.
So this is where I am after reading The Theology of the Body by Pope John Paul II and various other catholic theology websites,
Marriage is for having as many babies as your fertility allows. NFP is ok for short periods of time to space out the birth of the children if there is a legitimate reason for this. What are legitimate reasons? The age of the mother is not, as I understand.
To abstain from sex (in the context of a marriage) is ok for a SHORT time and if both spouses agree. :
“Marital sex constitutes an obligation: A spouse is bound to have sex consensually when the other spouse reasonably requests it. This is in accordance with the precept of the Apostle in 1 Cor. 7: “The husband must pay the debt to his wife, and the wife to her husband”. If they refuse without a legitimate reason, they commit a serious sin. This obligation is binding not only when a spouse expressly asks for sex but even when it is done tacitly, by some sign or indication, as is often the case with wives, who through embarassment or modesty do not venture to ask their husbands openly to pay the marital debt.”
Marriage between a couple who are infertile is still valid even tho they have sex (as it is their obligation) but have no chance of getting pregnant (as is the purpose of marriage). While a couple who want fewer children can’t abstain or use contraception other than NFP, as having sex is their obligation.
As much as I accept that children are a blessing, but taking a chance on having a handicapped child due to the mother’s more mature age, is not necessarily right for all families. I love my children. I would give my life for them but I struggle with motherhood as it is.
And yes, I did put a lot of “I” in my post as these are questions I am trying to find an answer to.
Absolutely as a Catholic, I am praying that I find the Lord’s plan for me, as times I feel lost. Second time around (as I said , I am divorced) I want to get it right.
And perhaps, if my non wanting more children does not fit with the Church’s teaching I have to accept life on my own and not pursue any romantic relationships or just wait until post menopause to get married then.
I understand that loneliness can be combated by finding other thing to do and prayer but let’s face it, I am a very imperfect person and as such I crave that intimate (not just sexual) relationship as most people do that perhaps only marriage can provide. I have been on my own for 5 ish years and it gets LONELY even with an otherwise busy life.
Can I or anyone in similar shoes fulfil the vocation of a Catholic marriage without wanting more children?
Sorry for the lengthy post, but God Bless you if you got to the bottom of it.