This is going to be kind of long!
I am having a very delicate situation that I am hoping all you wonderful people here at CAF can help me with. First, I guess I should give you a background on how my situation started.
I came back into the Church in October of 2008 after a series of events that was seriously testing me. I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I had been away from the Church for approximately 14 years. Anyway, I jumped right back into Mass and communion and later found out that I was in Mortal sin because I hadn’t gone to confession in over 14 years along with some questionable activities that I did when I was a teenager. I later went to a very stressful and emotional confession and confessed everything that I could remember and received absolution. Later, I started to obsess that maybe I didn’t confess right and started to remember more sins that I committed. So, I made a private appointment with Father S and had a very personal, heartfelt/emotional talk/confession. I told him my deepest darkest secrets that NOBODY knew about me. I immediately felt a strong connection with him. After that, I started going to Daily Mass as much as able, joining many clubs and activities. Really just trying to become a strong member of my new family. However, I didn’t feel like it was enough. In away (now don’t get me wrong by the way that I word this) a started to obsess whether I was ‘good enough’ to be apart of the church.
I was never a very popular person growing up. I pretty much had to, in a way, buy my friendships. I was the mommy’s girl who found herself at home with her family rather then being out with her friends. It was all I knew, and even this day, my parents live with me…and I can’t be happier.
Now to get to the point of my story…
I don’t know how to word this without it sounding creepy so I am just going to say it…
Lately, I found myself becoming obsessed with Father S. I will be in the Blessed Sacrament Chapel praying and all of a sudden my thoughts go to Father S. Wondering what he is doing etc… And then I feel guilty that my mind strayed from what I was doing…Praying to our Lord. I know that God knows where my heart is but I can’t help but to feel guilty. I also become so tense when he is around. It is a struggle just to go out of my way and say hi. All I long to do is to be apart of my church family. For so long when I was growing up all I longed to do was be apart of something more then what I was. I never felt like I was good enough and was never within the ‘circle’. Now, however, I feel like I have the opportunity to do so and this time to have it mean something. Like I can truly be myself…not pretend to be something I am not. Now I know Father S is a very busy man, but it sometimes feels like he is ignoring me, not wanting to make eye contact that sort of thing. The thing is, I know that I am being paranoid and one moment I shake these feelings off, and then the next they are back. For awhile there I was sure that I was condemning myself because I thought that I was developing a crush on Father S. But after some talking to myself and asking ‘what is really the matter’, I came to realize that Father S truly has become a father figure to me. My mom and I are the closest that we can be and here was a man who knew things about me that I was certain (before I came back to the Church) that I would take to the grave. Then I did some more soul searching and came to realize…I am kind of afraid of Men. Don’t get me wrong, my father is wonderful and I love him so much but for much of my life, I felt like I was raising him. I never really had that text book ‘father’ figure and now I feel or maybe hope that Father S will fill that void. Is that wrong. I can’t stress enough that I love my mother and father more then anything, but I also feel like I need something more.
How do I, after just spilling my soul to all of you, handle this. Any suggestions. Am I doing something wrong…am I sinning. Please guide me.
Also, if anybody needs me to clarify anything, please E-mail me.
Thanks and God Bless