"Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed." I accept church law as it applies to marriage, but I can't begin to describe the despair that I feel knowing that no matter how much I repent, I am not forgiven in the eyes of the church for divorcing and remarrying 11 years later. I long to receive Christ in the Eucharist, because of my deep and abiding love for Him, and because I know that without his saving grace, I am lost and floundering. At this late stage of my life, I have decided to seek an annulment and try to set things right in the eyes of God and the Church. I am struggling with the feeling of abandonment. I am struggling with knowing that I am a lowly outcast in the Church. What is it that is left for me to do now as a Catholic. I attend mass, and it is the most difficult thing that I do all week -- because it leaves me so very empty and longing for the Eucharist. Many times I am embarrassed by my tears during mass. What is it that I am still allowed to do? Can I go to confession? Does it matter, even though I will still be in a state of sin? If I die tomorrow, will I go straight to hell? I am reading Thomas Merton now -- Seven Story Mountain. I am struck by the fact that despite his prior life of sin, he was still able to obtain forgiveness. Murderers and all manner of criminals can repent and obtain forgiveness. But those who divorce and remarry are evidently forever lost!