Looking for advice part 2


#1

Well, some changes that have been made since my first thread was closed on Feb 19, 2010. I have started counseling and I now attend the domestic violence classes on a weekly basis. I am still with my husband at this point with the exception that I do not love him the way I am suppose to. I actually hate him at this point for everything he has done. Everything has come out about what he has done (internet porn, porn DVD'S, porn books, verbal, emotional, mental, sexual, and physical (not the hitting) abuse).

He has stopped everything. He is making changes. He wants us to work but I am having a hard time believing him and trusting his word. We have done this several times and I don't know if I can do it again. I have lost my son because of the choices that I have made and my daughters don't really care for him either. It is not fair to him for the way that I am with him at this point. It is hurting him severely but he has hurt me alot over the years too. It isn't about getting back at him. It is about me doing the right thing for me and my children.

How do I control the anger? How do I get through the holidays? This is a hard time for me and all the issues with my relationship with my husband just compounds everything.

I have talked to my counselor about the hate I have for him and she says that it is normal for me to feel this way. Looking for some words of wisdom to help me through this bad time plus the holidays.


#2

It seems to me that the pornography problem was NOT directed at you, but an addiction of your husband. That way, you may not be as angry at him. A habitual addiction is different than a deliberate act, in the eyes of God, isn't that so? Still, you might wonder why he needed to go that way, therefore, counseling for your marriage is appropriate. Men are stronger then women, physically, and they should be brought up to respect women as the weaker sex. They are supposed to be the leader in the family ... Well, he has failed miserably, maybe only doubling his anger AT HIMSELF, and he took it out on you. Is it that he is angry at himself for failing? He could be angry also, at you, for some reason unknown to me, particularly if you were targeting the porno, but not his problem. I will say that pornography viewing is against women in general, yet, women make a living being in that industry. A calm man may have been convinced on that line of argument. It is also something that should be thrown aside, when marrying. You are supposed to want your wife, not coveting some other women's body. That does make it personal, but, it is an addiction, I think if there is love generally between you and your husband. Too many thorns, and not enough rose? Pray to saint Theresa, the little flower. Please help this wife and husband, St.Theresa.


#3

[quote="heather0370, post:1, topic:221792"]
Well, some changes that have been made since my first thread was closed on Feb 19, 2010. I have started counseling and I now attend the domestic violence classes on a weekly basis. I am still with my husband at this point with the exception that I do not love him the way I am suppose to. I actually hate him at this point for everything he has done. Everything has come out about what he has done (internet porn, porn DVD'S, porn books, verbal, emotional, mental, sexual, and physical (not the hitting) abuse).

He has stopped everything. He is making changes. He wants us to work but I am having a hard time believing him and trusting his word. We have done this several times and I don't know if I can do it again. I have lost my son because of the choices that I have made and my daughters don't really care for him either. It is not fair to him for the way that I am with him at this point. It is hurting him severely but he has hurt me alot over the years too. It isn't about getting back at him. It is about me doing the right thing for me and my children.

How do I control the anger? How do I get through the holidays? This is a hard time for me and all the issues with my relationship with my husband just compounds everything.

I have talked to my counselor about the hate I have for him and she says that it is normal for me to feel this way. Looking for some words of wisdom to help me through this bad time plus the holidays.

[/quote]

Trust can take a long time to get back after what your husband has done. I think it has to be earned, and hopefully he will gradually gain your trust back by proving to you day by day that he has changed. Prayer can help tremendously, too, especially to help control the anger you feel from the betrayals.

I found myself beginning to hate my husband also for his similar habits, but then I kept trying to remind myself of Our Lord's commandment to love one another. I gradually went from feeling considerable hate toward him to "loving" him little by little, not in a spousal definition of the way love really should be, but in the way we are taught to "love our neighbor (in effect, everyone) as ourself." This thought change might be beneficial to you also. Again, prayer and receiving the Holy Eucharist at Mass were the key for me in getting to that point at all.
St. Monica can be a wonderful Saint to turn to and request intercession in your prayers as well - she went through horrible difficulties with her husband and her son, too. In the end, her intense prayers and efforts won out over satan's many attempts to attack her family.
Please take care and know that you are in my prayers as well. May Our Lord keep you in His loving care through all of this.


#4

Have you and your husband tried Retrouvaille, Heather?

If not yet, I'd highly recommend it. Fabulous program for mending all kinds of hurts in marriages.


#5

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