I’m now 19 years old. Over the years at various times I felt a tug on my heart to become a nun. Now, I feel a tug to become a mother and yet wonder that I could care less about marriage. Oddly, I’ve always seemed to know that I would likely end up single my whole life, regardless of what I planned on doing with it. I’m the kind of girl who marches who marches to her own drummer, and has always felt like I never really belong anywhere.
Now, at times I begin to wonder if it was real? And what’s going on. I’m having work complications and my morale just keeps dropping as I start looking for another job and have already run against a roadblock. Sometimes I even wonder if God hears me anymore. I know through such small acts as helping me pass my exams when I felt like I couldn’t, that he is there somewhere. I just wish I could find that child-like voice again that once believed without a doubt.
I was baptized non-denominational Christian back last November. However, since it was a “private” baptism and my parents found out (they were more mad I didn’t tell them then there own religious conflicts), I decided against going back to church since the day of the event. I have one semi-close friend who may be secretly trying to lose me, or only use me as a back-up when board, and another that just used me as a cover for himself (and sadly because I’m too nice to people, and not smart enough to fight back my being a target isn’t uncommon) so I no longer know what to do. I still feel happy watching movies as “One Night With the King” and reading in the Bible of others faith, and yet wish I could find it and move forward again and stead of backwards.
As far as being called goes when I was going through that time first in high school I saw a nun at work. I didn’t talk to her or anything but noted that she seemed very happy and peaceful. I was later cast in a play as the nun in “Tracks”. The play involved the choice of all the characters to move onto heaven as all were dead. Advice?