I look around me and I see unrelenting suffering of everyone and everything in the charnel house we call the world. I see a world that is dying through pollution and environmental damage. I see people abused, animals abused. Torment and misery. If there is a hell I think we are in it.
I cannot feel God’s presence. I cannot understand how ,if there is a God that He would abandon us to this suffering. I cannot see any good coming out of suffering. I cannot see any point to anyone being born or any of us carrying on. If I didn’t have a husband and son whom I love I would not carry on. As I am losing (or have lost?) my faith I don’t fear hell as a result of suicide. I’ve stopped going to Church - there is no point. I’m angry with the Catholic Church for heaping condemnation on me and increasing the suffering of so many of us by not listening and offering nothing but “go to mass, say your formulaic prayers, support the priests” as solutions. I’ve done that for years and still I’m here, still feeling like this, no respite. Just the knowledge that if there is a Catholic God I’m going to hell anyway…so what is the point?
I am being treated for long term and severe depression. I also have a serious, life threatening, chronic and limiting health condition despite being in my early 40s. I can’t sleep. i have nightmares when I do sleep. We have serious money problems. I have a very difficult and demanding wider family. I’m constantly ill and exhausted, have to work fulltime despite it killing me, we haven’t had a proper holiday in over 10 years and I just want it all to end because I can’t take anymore. I’m actually envious of the dead.
But I don’t think this has anything to do with depression. I think I’ve just woken and realised that either there is no God or that He has abandoned us. Either way, I despair. I want all of this to end because I’m trapped and there is no way out.