My husband and I used to be huge into our faith. He was raised Catholic and he never missed Mass. I was raised Baptist but after we started dating I began studying and decided I wanted to be Catholic. Tried to join RCIA but several times it fell through. Mainly cause I was struggling with past demons. A past of abuse and rape, some occurred in church growing up. I spent years trying to heal and praying for hours for help. My husband(then boyfriend) stood by me and helped me through it all. I started feeling like I was making progress finally and remember thanking God for getting me through and I asked him to please never let anything like that happen again cause I couldn't handle it. Two months after that prayer I was attacked, raped, and almost strangled to death by a stranger who came into my apartment. My faith shattered...as did my boyfriend's at watching and struggling through it all with me. It was too much and we couldn't understand.
That was a few years ago. We have two beautiful girls ages 19 months and 4 months and will be married a year next month(Yes we had/conceived out of wedlock, didn't matter to us at the time). My husband is a corrections officer and I stay home with the girls. I have made lots of progress healing on my own. My children helped me because I realized I had to stop living in the past and move forward. I forgave myself, I no longer hate those who hurt me, and recently I have let go of my anger at God and realized it really wasn't his fault. I haven't been to church in years though and, honestly, I have no idea what I believe anymore. But I miss God. I miss believing. I was happier then. I felt more whole. No matter how much I don't wanna admit that, it's true. My husband was a less cynical and less angry man when he was into his faith. He was into it way more than me and I feel like it's my fault that he turned away from the Church. He's a very good man, a great father, but he's not happy I don't think. I miss when we used to pray together, say the Rosary together, and go to Mass. I always dreamed of us taking our kids to church with us and everything, but so far our kids have never been inside a church. We were married by the court magistrate. Neither of us has stepped foot in a church in years.
The other night we watched the movie Fireproof. Today I bought the Love Dare book and am going to start tomorrow. Not even a year married and I already feel like our marriage is falling apart. He blames the stress on the kids, on having them so close and the stress that comes with it...but honestly we have both been ignoring the other important things in life. Like our relationship, and our spirituality. I want to figure things out and I want things to get better. Right now I just feel like we're just making it by and not really living. I really hope things will get better here. Just not sure where to start. I don't know what I want here, just any advice or suggestions on how to heal my marriage and find my way back to God I guess. Cause right now I feel so lost and alone all the time. I have no one to turn to...all our friends ditched us when we settled down.