I don’t know what to do about a situation I’m in, even though it’s less of a situation and more of a phase? I don’t know how to word it, it’s the way a friendship with someone I used to think was my best friend has changed.
About four and a half years ago I met this girl who I immediately took to… I really liked her, but I knew nothing was going to happen because she was dedicated to school and after awhile I started to realize it would be better if we stayed friends anyway. But the way we started our friendship was through email - we emailed every day, but didn’t really see each other very often. That was ok though, because we emailed all the time. I remember that every day when I would come home from school I couldn’t wait to get to the computer to see if there was an email waiting from her. It was the most exciting part of my day.
About two years ago, though, I started screwing things up really badly. Because of the influence of pornography and masturbation in my life, I started to distrust her. It was around this time i started pushing for us to hang out more often. So I started arguments all the time because I thought she was making up excuses when I wanted to see her and I just began to think she didn’t like me at all. This went on for about 5 months and then quieted down until last year around the same time, when I started doing the same thing. It got to the point where she very very nearly stopped being friends with me completely.
Things have quieted down again and I know that I’ve changed and won’t start this stuff again. She has forgiven me, but my problem is that I still haven’t forgiven myself - at all. I hate myself for ruining a friendship that meant more to me than any other I’ve ever had. Today I was reading over some of our old emails and I could just tell (I didn’t realize this at all back then) that she really was interested in me and liked me a lot (even though maybe not in the same way I liked her - but she also might have).
I feel so dumb and resent all the things I’ve done and hate the way our friendship has changed so drastically. I don’t know how to forgive myself and I don’t know how to make things the way they used to be. I feel like she will never feel the same way she did before because she will always think about the way I treated her. I don’t know if maybe I should tell her about my addiction and how it affected everything (that’s not really a serious thought though - I really don’t think I’ll tell her that for awhile, but I’ve considered it.) or if I should just ask her if things can ever go back to the way they were before? I feel like I should maybe drop it and just see what happens because it’s been several months since she said she forgave me for everything. So do you have any advice?
Thanks and God bless,