Lost in darkness


I am fear posting this, but I really need help, and need to get this off my chest.

I am married and have been for 12 years. I have 3 children. I love my family and they are my world. I am blessed to have a flexible schedule and travel with my family. My family is my world. I have a problem that hurts me to my core. It is a problem I have had since early childhood. I have been obsessed with sex since I was about 9. I would fool around with other boys in my area. Nothing super sexual just perverted play. Also I would conduct disturbing acts on myself. As life went on I no longer did these things with others, but the self destructive acts continued. When I was 15 I started viewing porn and escalating the acts. Some of them have been very dangerous. At 16 I put myself in a situation where I was raped by another man. I have had sex with women before I was married. Since I have been married I have had many partners (men and women). 10 to 20. I have this overwhelming desire to be abused. My self abuse has escalated greatly. Thankfully I do not have any STDs.

I want help. I need help, but I am so scared. My problem is I know my wife will leave me. I am 100% sure she will, and I don’t blame her. Despite what you read here I am a good “father and husband” My children love God, and are active in church. My wife is happy, and loves her life. Everything is picture perfect. Except me.

We are not Catholic. I love the Catholic church. I grew up in a Catholic area, and feel at home in the church. My formal education is in Theology, and I am fully aware of Catholic teaching, and Tradition. My wife has no desire to be part of the Catholic church. She is very happy where we are.

I am sure I will receive very harsh posts, and thats ok. Please keep in mind I know I am going to hell. I know I have problems. I am just lost.


I would suggest you go for counselling with a psychologist that specializes in sex addiction (NOT a regular sex therapist, but one that specializes in addiction). Since you recognize you have a problem, there is hope. With the right kind of counselling, you will be able to come to terms with this.

The following link should help you:


Good luck. I hope you will be able to heal from this and become the man you want to become.


God bless you, brother.

Your heart condemns you more than any of us possibly could. My prayer is that you would know the love of God, a love that will not be denied. He knows you – he knows even the things that you did not name, the shame that you cannot begin to express. And yet He loves you! You are His beloved son, and He will not abandon you.

You have a long road ahead of you, a road that will require honesty. I would recommend finding a Christian counselor right away.

Please don’t let Satan tempt you into making excuses. You cannot take refuge in being “a good father and husband”, because a good father and husband wouldn’t be doing these things. Don’t rationalize – throw yourself upon His mercy.

In the face of His mercy, all our evil is like a live coal dropped in the sea.


I am so sorry.

I’m by no means a psychologist, but I have a feeling that your desire to be abused stems directly from your rape. Maybe subconsciously you think you deserve this terrible treatment; many rape survivors believe that they somehow asked for their rape, and I can see this somewhat in your post (“I put myself in a position where I was raped”). You definitely need to talk this out to a professional who can help you heal and seek a more positive life.

I second what Prodigal_Son mentioned; immerse yourself in God’s Mercy. The Divine Mercy movement would be so healing for you.


Try singing along with that or reciting the prayer. You can use Rosary beads to do this if you’d like. I think you’ll find that the more you turn to this devotion, the more you’ll heal every day.

Oh, and please don’t presume you’re going to hell. God isn’t finished with you; He wants to help you get through this and live a good life, and He’ll help you if you ask Him. Just open yourself completely to Him and let Him work in you. The Holy Spirit will fill you with a joy and a peace that no human could ever put into words. Hell is reserved for those who turn their back on God until their death.

I hope that you find peace and happiness. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers and dedicate a Rosary to you, for your intentions.

Pax Christi. :slight_smile:


God Bless you for posting this. It shows courage.

The previous posters gave you information on where to go.

We’re here to pray for you, and we will

We love you! God Bless you! Look up these sights, get a good therapist.



You need intense counseling, immediately, you need to pray constantly…My prayers are with you.
Dear Jesus, lay your wounded hand on this man’s weary head, teach him to have courage
Bless him and his family and keep him close to You


Call the priest at a nearby Parish and go talk to him.

Your wife does not have to convert, you need the sacraments!!!


I agree with the others…get to counseling. Rape has a profound effect on victims. Especially, the younger one is when it occurs. Lot’s of people think when someone has been sexually abused then they would not have any desire for sex…but ironically, many times one becomes hyper-sexual, and all the self-abuse & addictions you describe are other behaviors that we get involved in as a result of this crime. I’m not a counselor but I’ve been in counseling for about a year now for this, its hard but well worth it. Little by little my life is getting so much better.


In addition to seeking out professional help (please do asap), I’d suggest also preparing your self to be fully and completely honest with your wife and childeren. Honestly this is big, and it’s going to be hard to hide. I also can imagine the guilt of hiding so many lies must really be weighing on your contience (and soul).

you say you’re not Catholic, but perhaps you might seek out a priest any how. Talk to them, get their opinions, and I would suggest praying (are you a member of any faith or church?). God Bless, and I hope for the best.


I would not recommend sharing it with your children, no matter what their ages – unless they already have reason to suspect. You do need to be open with your wife, although I don’t know if having that conversation immediately is the best plan. Pray about it.

And find a *Christian *counselor. :slight_smile:


My Dear Friend,

The reason you’re posting here is because you’ve been led here by God. How else could you have possibly come across this website? Maybe He wants to heal you through the Catholic Church. There is not No more hope, there is only ONE more hope, and you’ve found her!

God loves you so much. All you need to do is let Him in! Please talk with a nearby priest. Join the Church. All of your sins can be forgiven, NEVER resign yourself to hell.

Please do pray the Divine Mercy as another poster suggested! Nothing is beyond God’s forgiveness. Hundreds, if not thousands of abortionists have renounced their ways and come back to God. Your sins pale in comparison, there is SO MUCH hope still for you. Please never give up!

Love, Ljubim
PS. I am praying for you! Never underestimate the power of prayer!!


Dear lost in darkness,

You are already in my prayers. Do seek professional help and ask them if there will come a time when you should talk to your wife. Until then, say nothing. Telling her and or your family will only transfer your gilt, and gilt is what you are feeling, and make you feel better for a time. But keep in mind, the whole family will be devastated, not just you. I know that you are living in torment. If you want company: tell your family. Other wise, leave them in peace. Remember, no matter what you do: you live in the love of Christ; you only have to accept it. But what ever you do: take action right away and do not wait. I say, do not wait.


Please never, ever say you’re going to hell again. Promise yourself and us at this moment that it will not come out your mouth, in a post, an email, or an offhand remark and that you won’t entertain the thought again. When the thought comes to you, think of something else quickly or pray calmly until the pressure subsides. The Our Father works well for this. So does the Hail Mary if you’re comfortable with it. Or the Pilgrim’s Prayer *“Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, Have Mercy on Me, A Sinner.” *concentrate calmly on the words; don’t panic.

That’s how the devil works. He takes your worst character flaws and sins and tells you there is no salvation for you, that you can’t change and that you’re doomed. Even your screen name proclaims what he wants you to think of yourself. You don’t have to feel hopeful to act hopeful but acting with hope is what you must do. You may not feel that God could be that merciful, but you must act as though you do feel it and believe it with all your heart. You must stop listening to the devil’s lies. But you are in darkness and you may have to live with it for awhile. It won’t be easy. Become stubbornly determined to trust God, even when you fall and even when you’re in darkness. He is revulsed by the sin, but not by you. He loves you; God Himself wants you to overcome this. How can you fail if you’re willing to cooperate with Him?

Yes, get help. Seek counseling. Post on the prayer forum so that many people’s prayers will support you in your struggle. I’ll keep you in my prayers as well.


God bless you in your suffering.

I’d just like to say that “The truth will set you free.” Come clean with your wife and let the chips fall where they may. Then, focus on getting psychological help. I think you must resist pornography with all of your might. Satan can get such a grip on people with pornography. Pray that God will put a filter on your brain to help with your temptations.

Next, if you feel you have no one to turn to, you’re allowed to go visit a priest. A priest would probably be happy to advise you in a way a Protestant pastor couldn’t (only a priest is 100% confidential).


Thank you all… You all have been so kind. This morning I have spent some time looking for someone in my area I can go to talk. I know this will not be easy, and I fear when all is done I will lose everything. I am trying to come to terms with that.



Please listen to me, all the good folks here have good intentions and mean only respond for your safety and soul. The only thing that can help you is you, and you have made that first step by admitting you a problem. That problem is Sex Addiction, and I too suffer from this. I don’t have the same addictions that you describe, but we are brothers who suffer from the inability to see what love and sex and affection and all those wonderful Gifts of God really are. It is a disordered view of sexuality. I have it and have had for over thirty years. I am married (20 years) with two teen aged daughters. What you need is not therapy or counseling but a 12-step program for addictions; Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and many others. You made the first step in your admittance of a problem, the next step is Confession of all your sins, if you have not already done so, with a priest (if Catholic). Please, please, please do not confront your wife. This is expressly recommended to avoid by 12-step programs and not to happen until step 9 or 10. 12-step recovery programs are authorized by Catholic parishes especially with AA. The first priest I went to for Confession is a recovering alcoholic who still attends weekly meetings.

I am going to share with you a link to the Catholic Support Group for Sexual Addiction Recovery that offers a place to go to share with men and women (Catholics) who share the same disease you and I do, they are very caring, respectful and nurturing folks: saint-mike.org/csgsar/

You are NOT destined for Hell because God brought you here first to share your desire to make amends and change your heart and your life! As someone already said “GOD isn’t Finished with you yet!”

Keep praying and asking for His Strength and Grace to get you through each and every day, remember, as it is with me, it is sometimes moment-by-moment you need to pray.

GOD Bless you and your purity! :gopray:



Thanks… When I get home tongiht I will check out the links. I really think this is the start of a real change.


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