I am fear posting this, but I really need help, and need to get this off my chest.
I am married and have been for 12 years. I have 3 children. I love my family and they are my world. I am blessed to have a flexible schedule and travel with my family. My family is my world. I have a problem that hurts me to my core. It is a problem I have had since early childhood. I have been obsessed with sex since I was about 9. I would fool around with other boys in my area. Nothing super sexual just perverted play. Also I would conduct disturbing acts on myself. As life went on I no longer did these things with others, but the self destructive acts continued. When I was 15 I started viewing porn and escalating the acts. Some of them have been very dangerous. At 16 I put myself in a situation where I was raped by another man. I have had sex with women before I was married. Since I have been married I have had many partners (men and women). 10 to 20. I have this overwhelming desire to be abused. My self abuse has escalated greatly. Thankfully I do not have any STDs.
I want help. I need help, but I am so scared. My problem is I know my wife will leave me. I am 100% sure she will, and I don’t blame her. Despite what you read here I am a good “father and husband” My children love God, and are active in church. My wife is happy, and loves her life. Everything is picture perfect. Except me.
We are not Catholic. I love the Catholic church. I grew up in a Catholic area, and feel at home in the church. My formal education is in Theology, and I am fully aware of Catholic teaching, and Tradition. My wife has no desire to be part of the Catholic church. She is very happy where we are.
I am sure I will receive very harsh posts, and thats ok. Please keep in mind I know I am going to hell. I know I have problems. I am just lost.