Lost my virginity


#1

I’ve been trying so hard to be a good christian and I’ve failed already and I’ve only been practising for a month. I felt I found God, I read the Bible and I opened my heart to him. Words touched my soul and I vowed there were things in my life that I would never, ever do.
I met this guy three months ago and he was just wonderful, he’s so intelligent and witty and he’s got such a handsome smile. He makes me feel different from anything I’ve ever felt before. Over time we got really close and we started kissing all the time and touching each other. I know I shouldn’t of but I couldn’t help myself. Last night we were at a party and we both drank too much, I went back to his and we just ended up kissing and then I lost my virginity. I’ve been feeling so terribly guilty this morning, I can’t possibly explain how upset I am. I wanted him more than anything in the world and I still do now but the church says what I am doing is bad and immoral. I’ve tried explaining all this to him but he is an atheist and just doesn’t understand. He just says I’m brainwashed and need to chill out a bit.
I don’t know what to do, I’m just an immoral person and I do it wilfully.


#2

If your boyfriend is an atheist obviously he is not whom you should consult in this matter. Is there a priest in your area you can talk to?. I would call the nearest Catholic church. Do not be afraid, you will not be condemned but you do need spirtual guidance.

Even though you really like this guy I would put some distance between the two of you right now until you are able to get some spiritual direction. I’m am so glad that you have found faith in God. Do not be discouraged. We are all sinners and we all fall short. You do need a support system that will help you in your journey, so please seek counsel as soon as possible.


#3

Well said, Rayne89. AMEN to the distance thing. Take a breather from this man. He may not understand, but you are doing this for you, not for him.

Hattie, chastity is a difficult virtue. Just look at some of the other current threads going. WE ALL have to work at this, however, God loves His children. We all fall, and fall, then fall some more - and Christ picks us up and carries us when we ask.

Quickly go to confession. Put distance between this man and you. Don’t get down on yourself - put get back in the race.

Peace and strength to you.


#4

Harriet, I remember losing my virginity when I was just 16. I thought I was in love, and my boyfriend talked me into it, saying that he really didn’t see what was wrong with it if the two people love each other. The horrible remorse you mention, I also felt. I felt guilty and dirty, all at once. I am sorry you fell into temptation.

Please get to the Sacrament of Penance as soon as you can. A priest has heard it all, he won’t be shocked at what you say. I know it is difficult to get your heart to understand this, but just because you’re in love doesn’t mean that this person is right for you.

I sincerely hope you consider distancing yourself from this person until he comes to some kind of faith life. It’s difficult, I KNOW, but you won’t regret it in years to come. Obedience to the Church is sometimes VERY difficult, but obedience was the first virtue developed in Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.


#5

You’ve been given sound advice. I would add something here that might be worthwhile. Your boy friend stated that “you are brain washed and need to chill out.” Make no mistake here; his claim against you can be just as easily made against him. In fact it is much easier to make the case for brain washing when it comes to atheists.

I only added this to alert you to the possibility of being manipulated by this kind of rhetoric. You are a beautiful and precious child of God. The Lord has created you with a good and holy purpose. Marital relations, by definition, only find their fulfillment and blessing within marriage.

Think of it this way. If someone has relations with someone other than their marriage partner they have broken the marital covenant. This can happen before or after marriage. He is not your husband and you are not his wife. It is easily conceivable that you will not marry one another but will marry someone else. This further complicates what just happened.

Just remember how precious you are in the eyes of God, and accept His healing touch in confession. You are not alone in having sinned. Indeed, you will be among the many who are forgiven. God’s love and mercy are lavished upon us. His mercy endures forever.


#6

The guys will ALWAYS try to talk you into it. Don’t let them run your life. Next thing he’ll try to talk you into is the abortion. Take it from me. Don’t drift; take control of your destiny. Don’t let your life run down the toilet for the sake of a little male attention. Because that’s all it is, isn’t it? What we women won’t do for attention…


#7

Everyone else has given great advice so far. I’d also just second the fact that chastity is a difficult virtue to practice especially in our society. Some common sense things that can help you practice this virtue are recognizing and staying away from the occasions of sin (like laying down together, drinking with a guy, etc.), staying away from any TV shows, movies or friends that can drag you down, and finding a good Christian friend to help keep you accountable. It was amazing to me what a difference it makes to stop watching TV shows that make sexual comments. Stuff like that can be seen as the norm in our culture and we often don’t realize how it affects us until we stop viewing it. Also, a good priest friend of mine told me to always use the “balcony rule” when my now-husband and I were dating. It means that you don’t give each other anymore physical affection than you would if you were outside on a balcony with people walking by. We always kept the door open when we were spending time together to help with accountability and to be a reminder to us of staying pure.

That being said, any of these things are going to be much more difficult to carry out if you’re in a relationship with someone who does not have the moral standards you do. Chastity is difficult under any circumstance but especially without mutual support from your boyfriend.Seek confession, spiritual direction, and pray for purity of heart. I know the guilt you feel is horrible, but it is a good thing in that it’s guiding you back to Christ. It lets you know you’ve fallen off track, and it’s time to get back on. God bless.


#8

Dear friend

You have been given great advice. I will add that, if this man loves you he will respect your wishes not to have sex before marriage and he will also respect your religion and your beliefs. If this man does not love you then why does he want to have sex with you? Think about why and then think why would you want to have sex with him if there is no love there. If this man does love you and you him, then he would respect your wishes and beliefs, even if he does not share them. The man desired you and his own lust over-rode any respect for you.

This is why you felt dirty and awful. Not only have you sinned against yourself, God and the church, but also you have let this man sin against you, undervalue you as a person and as a child of God. Make a confession and resolve not to do this again.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa


#9

Hattie,

The reading at Sunday Mass (today) was Romans 13: 11-14 which says in part:

“the night is advanced, the day is at hand. Let us then throw off the works of darkness (and) put on the armor of light; let us conduct ourselves properly as in the day, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in promiscuity and licentiousness, not in rivalry and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the desires of the flesh.”

The priest spoke about St. Augustine and how he struggled for chastity. Prior to his conversion, St. Augustine wrote in the account of his own conversion, “I came to Carthage, where a caldron of unholy loves was seething and bubbling all around me. I was not in love as yet, but I was in love with love; and, from a hidden hunger, I hated myself for not feeling more intensely a sense of hunger (for the Lord). I was looking for something to love, for I was in love with loving”

St. Augustine cried to the Lord, " How long? How long, O Lord? Wilt thou be angry forever? Oh, remember not against us our former iniquities." For I felt that I was still enthralled by them. I sent up these sorrowful cries: “How long, how long? Tomorrow and tomorrow? Why not now? Why not this very hour make an end to my uncleanness?”

“I was saying these things and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my heart, when suddenly I heard the voice of a boy or a girl I know not which–coming from the neighboring house, chanting over and over again, “Pick it up, read it; pick it up, read it.” Immediately I ceased weeping and began most earnestly to think whether it was usual for children in some kind of game to sing such a song, but I could not remember ever having heard the like. So, damming the torrent of my tears, I got to my feet, for I could not but think that this was a divine command to open the Bible and read the first passage I should light upon. For I had heard how Anthony, accidentally coming into church while the gospel was being read, received the admonition as if what was read had been addressed to him: ‘Go and sell what you have and give it to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven; and come and follow me.’ By such an oracle he was forthwith converted to thee.”

“So I quickly returned to the bench where Alypius was sitting, for there I had put down the apostle’s book when I had left there. I snatched it up, opened it, and in silence read the paragraph on which my eyes first fell: ‘Not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying, but put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh to fulfill the lusts thereof.’ I wanted to read no further, nor did I need to. For instantly, as the sentence ended, there was infused in my heart something like the light of full certainty and all the gloom of doubt vanished away.”

St. Augustine’s grace began with a holy desire to change and your anguish sounds like a desire to change. Avoiding the “near occasion of sin” is very important, “always use the balcony rule” as is all the advice given by the others:“You are a beautiful and precious child of God. The Lord has created you with a good and holy purpose.”

“Even though you really like this guy I would put some distance between the two of you right now until you are able to get some spiritual direction.”

"You are not alone in having sinned. Indeed, you will be among the many who are forgiven. God’s love and mercy are lavished upon us. His mercy endures forever.

“Quickly go to confession. Put distance between this man and you. Don’t get down on yourself - put get back in the race.”

“If your boyfriend is an atheist obviously he is not whom you should consult in this matter. Is there a priest in your area you can talk to?”

You are in my prayers too.
Joanna


#10

[quote=Harriet]I’ve been trying so hard to be a good christian and I’ve failed already and I’ve only been practising for a month. I felt I found God, I read the Bible and I opened my heart to him. Words touched my soul and I vowed there were things in my life that I would never, ever do.
I met this guy three months ago and he was just wonderful, he’s so intelligent and witty and he’s got such a handsome smile. He makes me feel different from anything I’ve ever felt before. Over time we got really close and we started kissing all the time and touching each other. I know I shouldn’t of but I couldn’t help myself. Last night we were at a party and we both drank too much, I went back to his and we just ended up kissing and then I lost my virginity. I’ve been feeling so terribly guilty this morning, I can’t possibly explain how upset I am. I wanted him more than anything in the world and I still do now but the church says what I am doing is bad and immoral. I’ve tried explaining all this to him but he is an atheist and just doesn’t understand. He just says I’m brainwashed and need to chill out a bit.
I don’t know what to do, I’m just an immoral person and I do it wilfully.
[/quote]

All, it is amazing how many women let themselves be “sweet talked” by guys who are just using little psychology (on purpouse) to get these poor women into bed. Worse off, these women fall for it. Please young women and women, don’t fall for the “sweet talking” guys who just want ONE thing, and yes, well it all starts with “kissing”, and sometimes the demon of alcohol. It takes, much prayer, self esteem, and intellect to NOT fall for that.
I would highly suggest a VERY GOOD CONFESSION, daily Mass, and don’t see that slime again.


#11

Wow, that’s pretty heavy stuff, I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Everyone has given awesome advice. But don’t feel like you are a terrible person, conversion is an on-going process. We are not perfect, and we will slip up from time to time.

You need to stop this in it’s tracks NOW or it will snow ball, I can promise you that. Visit www.reallove.net and read through some of the articles. I go on there too when I need some inspiration.

No man is worth sacrificing your morals. And a man who knows where you stand and betrays that is not someone you want to be around. There are men out there who will respect your decision to wait for marriage. Get out of this situation because he will lead you down deeper and deeper into a hole that will be hard to get out of.

You sound like a young person, I am 22, if you need someone around your age to talk to, I am here. Please PM me if you just want to talk.


#12

you have another active thread about “Is it really necessary to go to Mass every Sunday?”. go back to it, look at LedZeppelin’s post #14 dated Nov. 16.
not to say “I told you so” but you have been told, Jesus has been telling us for 2000 years the only antidote to sin and temptation is Him, and the way to stay in touch with Him is Mass, the Eucharist and the other sacraments.
You didn’t just fall into trouble last night, you did it when you chose to please an earthly creature rather than pleasing Jesus, and that happened a while ago, didn’t it.
Go to confession, and learn this truth, God is never so close to us as when we are tempted, and when we sin. You learn the reality of His Divine Mercy now, and you will have allowed him to turn sorrow to joy. We are all praying for you, in anticipation of the consolation you will enjoy in this marvelous sacrament.

The priest will give you a penance, and I have no right to, or even to comment on the state of your soul (I am speaking as a grandma here, not a lecturer), but suggest also you read 1Corinthians 13, where we are taught about true love. Every young person needs this knowledge to navigate the years when you are learning about love, --and what is not true love.


#13

Unless one is raped, virginity is not lost; it’s given away.


#14

[quote=Harriet] I’ve been feeling so terribly guilty this morning, I can’t possibly explain how upset I am. I wanted him more than anything in the world and I still do now but the church says what I am doing is bad and immoral. I’ve tried explaining all this to him but he is an atheist and just doesn’t understand. He just says I’m brainwashed and need to chill out a bit.
I don’t know what to do, I’m just an immoral person and I do it wilfully.
[/quote]

First off, we’re all sinners. We all have some sin or other that we fall into again and again and again, usually several. Accept forgiveness, get up, and try again. And again and again and again. Jesus ate and drank with prostitutes. He won’t give up on you. You may even have been allowed this fall in order to retrieve you from falling into spiritual pride. You never know. Do realize it won’t be the last thing. We hope it isn’t sex again, but it will be something, up until the day God perfects you. (As they say: easy to please, impossible to satisfy.)

Have you explained to your friend that this is not just what the Church says, but it is how you feel, too? (Is it?) Because in that case, he is on the same level as someone who pushes drinks on someone who wants to curtain their drinking or pushes food on someone who wants to rein in their eating. Christian or not, it is disrespectful and a bit controlling to sabotage someone that way. Don’t marry (or date) someone with that attitude, who thinks they know what is best for you more than you do. It doesn’t go away.

If this isn’t how you feel, do some reflection. It is a matter of self-respect and having a limit to what you’ll do for male approval. It’s about a desire to have everything possible to give to your future spouse, the father to your children. It’s about keeping sex the whole entity that God made it to be. It is about learning self-control, which you will need even after marriage. Read Humane Vitae. This isn’t a simple matter of purity.


#15

All the advice here has been very good. Know that you are loved by God, and that He wil forgive you any sin. Go to Him in confession and seek His endless Mercy. Our Lord has never gotten angry at anyone, or refused His Mercy, for those who have asked.

On a lighter note, let me tell you what my Mom told me as she dropped me off at college the first time …

"I love you son , and remember, don’t do anything you wouldn’t do in front of God or your mother. " :eek:

She still reminds me of this 25 years later .:slight_smile:

In His Peace !


#16

[quote=Pinklady]Unless one is raped, virginity is not lost; it’s given away.
[/quote]

Even if it is given away, it can still be considered lost, because it can never be regained nor replaced.

God bless!


#17

[quote=Pinklady]Unless one is raped, virginity is not lost; it’s given away.
[/quote]

You could do it without realizing what you gave away. You then can not get it back and it is lost forever. It is given away though.


#18

Oh my goodness, I will pray for you. This guy sounds like bad news. I know. I used to have a lot of boyfriends here and there befoe I found my husband.

There were so many times I thought I was totally in love and didn’t want anything more than to be near the guy. But sooner or later that passion goes away and you’re faced with reality. The guy is not so great, and he is going to do something you truly hate. He probably is going to leave you simply because you’re hearts are in 2 different places. You can find forgiveness through Christ, and start over. Do not see this guy again unless and until he decides to look for God a little.

And for goodness sake, STAY AWAY FROM ALCOHOL!!!


#19

Listen to me… you say you feel bad, you regret what you have done, you know it’s wrong… ok… go to confession, make a firm committment to not committ the sin again… in otherwords, go and sin no more… when the priest absolves you from your sins, VIOLA, you got your virginity back… hey, no one here blames you, your human, just like the rest of us… God loves you and so do we…

God is waiting for you to come to the peace you will find in confession and he has died to forgive you, but you need to act first… go see your priest…

Peace :thumbsup:


#20

When it became abundantly clear to me that I simply had to return to the Church, one of the things that gnawed at me was why should the Church want to have anything to do with me when I’d been so wrong and stupid as to go and join another (Anglican) denomination? God being God, and good, that didn’t stand in my way. What you are going through now shouldn’t stand in your way of reconciling with Christ and His Church through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, either.

No matter what you have done, the Church is ready to minister to you and restore you to a full relationship with Jesus Christ and His Mystical Body. The consequences of our actions don’t go away, but then again, the Psalmist did not say that the valley of the shadow of death would turn into a meadow we could skip through as we approached it, either. No, but we certainly do not go through that valley alone, and that makes ALL the difference.

You have sinned? Welcome to the club :wink: ! You will be most pleasantly surprised (I suspect) when you discover again the benefits of membership in the “club” of reconciled and forgiven sinners.

Blessings,

Gerry


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