Lost Person- just surviving


#1

It has been a while since I posted anything. If things in my Marriage have changed it is for the worse. My Wife continues down her road of acting as a single woman. Secret life, no communication, never a kind word, never spending any time together. No physical contact of any type. No help with our responsibilities.
But, I continue to do what I am supposed to as a Husband and Pray. I am shouldering all the resposibilities since my Wife is trying to finish school. I do this even though I feel that as soon as she finishes and gets a better job I will be cast aside. I just keep wondering WHY? I know that I have also made mistakes. But I have done nothing that would destroy a Marriage or that I would be ashamed for anyone to know.
I know that God has a Plan but I just wonder what it is. I thought that Marriage was Sacred. I could understand this better if I had done something to destroy it myself. I just keep wondering if there is any hope or is this Marriage beyond help. Why is this happening? Maybe the Lord intends for me to spend the last part of my life alone and without a mate. If that is the case I guess that all I can do is take care of my Wife for as long as she keeps me around.I want to do the Right thing so that at least I will be doing as God expects of me.
I hope that someone will Pray for me during the Holiday Season. Even though I am Married I know that I will be alone. As for me I think that instead of asking God for help during the Holidays, I will offer my Prayers for those who have worse problems than me.


#2

[quote="lost_person, post:1, topic:177808"]
It has been a while since I posted anything. If things in my Marriage have changed it is for the worse. My Wife continues down her road of acting as a single woman. Secret life, no communication, never a kind word, never spending any time together. No physical contact of any type. No help with our responsibilities.
But, I continue to do what I am supposed to as a Husband and Pray. I am shouldering all the resposibilities since my Wife is trying to finish school. I do this even though I feel that as soon as she finishes and gets a better job I will be cast aside. I just keep wondering WHY? I know that I have also made mistakes. But I have done nothing that would destroy a Marriage or that I would be ashamed for anyone to know.
I know that God has a Plan but I just wonder what it is. I thought that Marriage was Sacred. I could understand this better if I had done something to destroy it myself. I just keep wondering if there is any hope or is this Marriage beyond help. Why is this happening? Maybe the Lord intends for me to spend the last part of my life alone and without a mate. If that is the case I guess that all I can do is take care of my Wife for as long as she keeps me around.I want to do the Right thing so that at least I will be doing as God expects of me.
I hope that someone will Pray for me during the Holiday Season. Even though I am Married I know that I will be alone. As for me I think that instead of asking God for help during the Holidays, I will offer my Prayers for those who have worse problems than me.

[/quote]

It's time for you to step up and be a man. You need to sit her down for a heart to heart talk so you can get to the root of whatever it is that is causing her to withdraw from this marriage. Right now, you need information. Solid, reliable truthful information. If she has no intention to be married to you after she finishes school you need to know that right now so you can stop wondering and pack it in. If she does want to be married it's time to reaffirm your love for her and let her know that you are committed to going through the necessary steps to fix whatever needs repair.

As Christ is head of the church, the husband is the head of the marriage and you need to take that responsibility seriously. Women disdain weakness in a man. Feminist thinking and attitudes have ruined a lot of good marriages over the years. Step up and reaffirm your love for her and show her that you have a firm resolve in getting this marriage into good health through good old fashioned dedication, sacrifice, undying committment, affection and lots of love. Stop allowing yourself to be a doormat. Women hate that in a man. If you keep it up and you'll be miserable the rest of your life.

This reply might sound a little bit hard, but your post is dripping with weakness. You sound like a good man who just needs to get back on his feet, dust himself back off and rededicate yourself to being the kind of husband as God intended.... strong, honest, faithful, affectionate, committed, and protective to the point where you would give your life for her.. Just as Christ gave his life for the church.

If you do these things and she still walks, then let her go. You would be much better off without her.
God Bless.


#3

It sounds like your marriage is exactly where mine was two years ago–I was the disconnected wife and he was the devoted husband. We ended up getting divorced, but he remained faithful to me and now we are working to reconcile.

In hindsight, it would have really helped my marriage if my husband had acknowledged that I wasn’t happy and “forced” me to analyze WHY I wasn’t happy. By not talking about that elephant in the room, I felt as though (1) he thought our marriage was perfect because HE was happy and he didn’t care whether or not I was happy and (2) I blamed my unhappiness on HIM, rather than on the PROBLEMS between us.

Have you tried asking her why she’s feeling unsatisfied in the marriage and what she’s hoping to find in the new secret life that she’s been nurturing?


#4

*I think your story is very inspiring to many here. I hope that things work out for you both!

I actually wanted to divorce my husband years ago, and he was very devoted, and steadfast. Until we both started going to mass together, and I admitted the problems that I had from my childhood that I carried into marriage and EXPECTED marriage to ‘‘fix,’’ we were never going to get anywhere. I am forever grateful that God gave me a faithful and patient husband, for I would be living with the regret of divorce.

To the OP–try to help your wife get to what it is that has caused this rift between you both. She might not know what it is just yet, but if you both work on it, hopefully, it will surface, and she will have a desire to heal that part of her, and come back to you as a loving and caring wife. It happened with me, it can happen in your marriage. I thought for sure my marriage was over. :frowning: With God, all things are truly possible.

God’s best for you and your wife,
Sharon*


#5

I give the same sort of advice to women with cheating husbands that I would give to you. It’s pretty practical, common sense advice. You must carry yourself with dignity. You must be strong, and not let yourself be a doormat (like the poster before me said). If she stays, it will be because of the respect she has for you. If she leaves, you will be prepared because you have stood up for yourself. She can have no respect for you unless you respect yourself.
Yes, sit her down and have “the talk.” But there must be no begging. Lay it out for her. It doesn’t have to be mean, or forceful, or aggressive at all. Just tell her what you have been feeling, and ask her if she has any intention of staying in the marriage. Maybe she doesn’t realize what she’s doing. Men and women have a lot in common–one thing is that we can all be pretty thoughtless sometimes. We get wrapped up in school, or work, or hobbies, to the detriment of our companions. You can address this with kindness, gentleness, love, but also dignity, self-respect, and strength. However, if she says she has no intention of staying, your response must be: “okay, I’ll pack up my things and go now. I love you, but I can’t hold you.” No begging, no tears, none of that. It will do nothing for you, or for your marriage. Cry when you are alone, cry on the shoulder of your priest, lay it all on Jesus. Just don’t let her see you cry or beg, she’ll just eat it all up.
Anyway, prayers for you and your marriage.


#6

[quote="whatevergirl, post:4, topic:177808"]
I think your story is very inspiring to many here. I hope that things work out for you both!

[/quote]

Don't be too inspired by us yet--we're a work in progress. But we're working on it! :)


#7

Any woman who enjoys seeing her husband in emotional pain of any sort is unfit to be a wife.
If this woman has children, she probably has already poisoned the future marriages of her children.


#8

I am SO GLAD my husband did not come to this forum seeking advice two years ago when I was playing the role of the self-centered wife. If he had come here and followed your advice (issue ultimatums, hide his emotions from me, pretend to be strong when he was feeling helpless) I doubt that we would be trying to reconcile today.

At the time, and still today, I RESPECTED my husband for being MAN ENOUGH to express his true emotions to me, to cry in front of me, and to let me witness the wreckage that I was leaving in my wake. In my opinion, it’s a cowardly man who hides his thoughts and feelings from his wife, especially in a time like this where the marriage could use some honesty and openness, even if only from one partner.


#9

Hey, whoa, reread my post. I did say that he should tell her what he has been thinking/feeling. I just don’t think he should engage in drama, that’s all. Nothing causes a man or woman to lose respect for their spouse than when said spouse is begging for him/her to stay. Also, giving the impression that “oh, I NEED you, I NEED you, I’m nothing without you” makes someone who is on the threshold want to run. If she’s already feeling the urge to take off, that will push her over the edge.


#10

I agree that the drama of begging is unnecessary, but I still disagree that he should hide his tears / raw emotions to preserve her respect for him. Neither you nor I can speak for all spouses, but I can speak from my personal experience. I personally did not lose respect for my husband when he shed tears while we were discussing the future of our marriage, and I did not “eat it all up” to see him hurting. It ate ME up to see the wreckage that I was causing.


#11

Augusta, that's because you are not a narcissist. NORMAL people feel BAD when they make someone else cry. A narcissist gets a power kick out of it.

We don't know if the OP's wife falls in one category or the other.

I've been where he is. I know what it feels like to be in a marriage all alone. My advice is to spend time in front of the Blessed Sacrament and ask God for clarity. And to approach his wife honestly.

And let HER be the one to file divorce. If she wants it.

Make HER leave. If you believe marriage is forever, better for worse, till death do you part, YOU cannot be the one to file papers absent a real danger to your physical or mental health or safety. Only your confessor or spiritual director can really help you decide how much of a danger her behavior is to that to justify you leaving.

I suggest you try a Retrouvaille weekend. Counseling with her. Do everything you can now to save the marriage. Marriage is sacred and you are obligated to do everything you can to presume it is a valid and sacred bond and save it. If it fails anyway, you can approach a tribunal with the security that you behaved and believed in good faith.


#12

[quote="lost_person, post:1, topic:177808"]
It has been a while since I posted anything. If things in my Marriage have changed it is for the worse. My Wife continues down her road of acting as a single woman. Secret life, no communication, never a kind word, never spending any time together. No physical contact of any type. No help with our responsibilities.
But, I continue to do what I am supposed to as a Husband and Pray. I am shouldering all the resposibilities since my Wife is trying to finish school. I do this even though I feel that as soon as she finishes and gets a better job I will be cast aside. I just keep wondering WHY? I know that I have also made mistakes. But I have done nothing that would destroy a Marriage or that I would be ashamed for anyone to know.
I know that God has a Plan but I just wonder what it is. I thought that Marriage was Sacred. I could understand this better if I had done something to destroy it myself. I just keep wondering if there is any hope or is this Marriage beyond help. Why is this happening? Maybe the Lord intends for me to spend the last part of my life alone and without a mate. If that is the case I guess that all I can do is take care of my Wife for as long as she keeps me around.I want to do the Right thing so that at least I will be doing as God expects of me.
I hope that someone will Pray for me during the Holiday Season. Even though I am Married I know that I will be alone. As for me I think that instead of asking God for help during the Holidays, I will offer my Prayers for those who have worse problems than me.

[/quote]

Wow, you pretty much wrote the story of the last two years of my life. Seriously. It is absolutely uncanny. I've been enduring such daily treatment month after month, day after day. People tell you to have a heart to heart talk but she says "get out...I don't want your emotions"...slam goes the door in your face. Be firm and forceful, be gentle and kind, same response. She may be having an affair, mine has been.

Well, no advice really, except go talk to your priest and get some good spiritual direction. Do pray for her, for yourself, and for people who lives are even more screwed up than yours. Also recognize that she is morally in far worse shape than you, maybe psychologically as well. It takes a lot to abuse someone everyday. Love her, pity her. Don't stop praying it helps so much--rosary everyday!!. I'll pray for you. Pray for me. Obviously we're not alone.

jb


#13

[quote="lost_person, post:1, topic:177808"]
My Wife continues down her road of acting as a single woman. Secret life, no communication, never a kind word, never spending any time together. No physical contact of any type. No help with our responsibilities.

[/quote]

Oh man, that would suck.

If you are bearing the bulk of responsibilty, then you're not a weakling. If the marriage broke up, you'd be able to be self-sufficient, right?

Then I'd definitely have that heart to heart. If (God forbid) she is having an affair, you deserve to know that right now and not after she's used you to get through whatever study she's doing. Don't let yourself be used, unless if she has a better income when she finishes it benefits you too, even if she leaves. I'm definitely not a WIIFM (What's In It For Me) guy when it comes to marriage, but you make it sound as though she's not being fair-dinkum with you or about your marriage. If you do end up alone, try and make it the best it can be for you.

Sounds like your marriage has needed "the talk" for some time already. It doesn't sound like you're having a good time, which is no way to live, so why wait? If she's going to leave, why put it off? I agree with the others. You deserve to know. Evasion or no answer is also an answer. Reassurance is what you want and anything less is not good enough.

It does sound to me from your post that she may be a narcissist and take pleasure in your pain if you show emotions, but you'd know that already, so that's your call. On;y reason I can see to postpone for some distant hope would be if you have kids.

I feel for you.


closed #14

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