I really don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’ve hit a spiritual wall. Im suffering from a lack of faith that I don’t know how to fix. Inside I feel unloved by God, by Jesus and Mary because of how bad I have been in my life. I feel like I’ll never belong to the Holy Family of Heaven.
My life seems to be filled with disappointment after disappointment; screw up after screw up. I was emotionality abused by people at school and at home. My parents gave no spiritual guidance and no support. I was often yelled at and sometimes made fun of(yes by my family). So you could say I’m not use to love or mercy really.
Also not helping is the fact that I work a really hard job, have no degree or any idea what talents God has given me(more use to knowing what I do wrong), I have very little money and no real friends to speak of at this time. And ive developed metabolism and digestive issues. Im convinced this is the payback and temporal punishment for the life of sin I lived before. Now I go to weekly confession, weekly mass, weekly adoration, and daily rosary. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is an eternal darkness. That Jesus sacrifice was for others and not me. That The Trinity will cast me away forever.
I read the chicken soup catholic books and saw stories of people with great faith in hard times. How I wish I had faith like them. How do I get this faith? How can I trust the Lord 100% no questions asked? How do I handle things I don’t understand like indulgences? How do I keep from going to pieces like I am tonight?