Love in a prison I created


Hello all,
Sorry for mistakes. English is not my mother tongue. Throughout text Y is a woman recently met while X is my wife. Around my 20s I had a major incident. My life was shattered; it took years to regain strength. When I did, my father got Leukaemia. I got 29 and he died. Three years later I met X, I was not really attracted but she chase me. X was trustable, sensitive and my need to share life following loneliness took over, but chemistry was not there. I wanted to be best friends. Not leaving close we met only at WE. Rationality came back, I tried to stop the relationship. But so many tears and distress in her eyes, out of pity and lake of courage, I did not finalise. Got a Job next to her so we moved together in a shared flat for 1.5 years then moved to own flat. I was torn by the fact that I did not feel love. Hence my reluctance to marry. Being nagged and knowing happy she would be, I accepted. I could not stand the nagging, I should have left but remembered the tears. But again no “chemistry” & conviction that we would not leave our life together. I had a glimpse of hope I was wrong. I have been attracted to other women but in a relationship, now married, I wouldn’t get close to anybody. Easy, each time it was a fleeting physical attractiveness.
But we went to 1 of her friend Y, former colleague left by her husband a year before (apparently left saying he did not love her anymore). I was thinking this woman is nice, I like her; I could see many of X qualities plus something I couldn’t define. It was not love at the first sight but I was thinking about Y time to time. Y came two months later for dinner, I got to know her better, I was really interested in her. I started to feel this undiagnosed something developing. Something I couldn’t comprehend or stop and certainly not describe. I got scared, remembering I felt that in my mid teens but it was not so strong, strong enough to remember though! That was it, I was struck by something pulsating in my brain non-stop. Y was becoming the most beautiful women I had ever seen. I know she is not, but that’s what I feel without a doubt, that’s how I see her. For the past 4 months, things have changed with X. Nothing in the respect/trust toward each other, but no physical relation, no cuddling, completely platonic. It is effortless, I never really felt like doing those things, I was doing it to make her happy. Feeling love for another women, I can’t pretend anymore. It is beyond my strength and altruistic ability. But I am married, I’m supposed to have a duty. But now what? I reached my limit, I can’t leave but can’t continue to make her happy, I lost her precious life time. I wanted to create happiness, I do harm.
It is atrocious, I can’t work, often feel like suffocating. It is like a lost battle, nothing to be rebuilt or repaired by counselling, nothing real was there 1st place. I strongly believe that love can be reignited, not created. When it is pure, love starts with love.

I tried to tell myself I was wrong, thing will not last. I did a run race nearby Y. I did not tel Y. X did when they had lunch together, and Y said that she would have been so happy to come to cheer. So in a second race in this park, I avoided telling X till last minute to avoid Y coming, producing a new encounter. But I realise that the pain is only too real. I am unable to focus at work etc... Is this what love is supposed to feel?
Recently I could not stand not seeing Y, I contacted her to go to her concert. Actually not the only reason, I really like a cappella. But instead of 2 I took only one ticket thinking I would then have an opportunity to talk to Y. I got remorse, and got scared that talking together X and Y would find out, so I told X it would be nice to go to Y concert. At the end of concert Y said let’s go for a drink with the other member of the choir. Y couldn’t, she had to finish some work. I staid and we talked till the bar closed, we laughed often eyes in the eyes and without a doubt we had a very nice time. She insisted to come for my next run. Of course this doesn’t mean the felling is reciprocal. I was expecting to be nervous being with her (I was feeling so nervous thinking about her) but actually felt very relaxed, in a wonderful comfortable state that felt natural. I wanted to take her hand so much. I just felt guilty she had not a word with any other of her co-singers (should I drop an email to apologise?). But I think she actually did not realise it herself until one person told her: “buy and sorry for not talking to you!” as a joke but probably to make a point that she had spent the whole evening with me.
Have I condemned myself; my life will be empty with somebody I do not love? Now my wife knows I do not love her as a wife. How can she be happy being cuddled or kissed when not genuine? I will not have a kid with her; I wouldn’t risk making a kid unhappy, anyway, we do not touch each other.
I know it is against Christian principles, but although I am agnostic, I have respect for these principles. If I decide to divorce I break all the promises I made. How can I do it without losing credibility in the eye of Y, this would close all the doors. Having been dumped by her husband, Y would have a very bad opinion of me. I know from my wife that Y found me “so nice and genuine”. I understand Y has some religious principles as well. I made an enormous mistake by marrying somebody I have never felt in love with. If I tell Y about it she will at least know the reasons I left my wife are different from the reason she was left. Y and her husband loved each other at the start.
My wife is unhappy, I am, Y is single and at least like me, I want a chance of love developing between us. But X and Y are good friends both very nice. Whatever Y fells/would feel I am unsure she would not allow herself to start a relationship with me, even a date may make her feel she is betraying X. What can I do? How can I proceed?
Many thanks,


You are a married man. Stop flirting with the friend of your wife. Immediately. You chose to marry your wife, for whatever reason, you need to stop pretending as if you didn't make those promises. Do you think that infatuation is what love is? It is not. Infatuation lasts a very short time in a relationship, usually up until the person farts or burps or leaves a pair of underwear on the floor.

You must be old enough to get married. You made a decision to get married and your wife loves you. That is a lot to be grateful for. I think you should stop telling yourself you don't love her. Love is an ACTION verb, not just an emotion. Stop thinking of your feelings and start treating your wife as if she is Y. And stop seeing Y immediately! You have no business being alone with a single woman.


I cannot read that story, impossible with no punctuation and spacing

you are married
there is only one woman in your life, your wife

you do not socialize with, text, email or otherwise contact much less date any other women. Your feelings are irrelevant, your vows are what counts.
Love is an action, not an infantile emotion or means of sense gratification.
Your job is to love your wife, which means to provide for her, support her, listen to her and do loving things for her.


The thing about Yis that she is an unknown to you. You can project all the things you like on her, you can imagine wonderful things with her where she will be perfect and you will be perfect. But this is mostly an imaginary relationship with a person whom you have mostly made up.

You have a wife, and the way to lovve her is to actually do loving acts to her. What does she like? Flowers, chocolate, a night out? Do you invite ber to cheer you at the races?

All the things you imagine with Y you should be doing with your own wife. The fact that you married her because you pitied her is something you just have to get over--for whatever reason you did it, she is now your wife. You need to treat her like your wife and not like an ex-girlfriend.


I fully agree with all the responses to your post. You are married and now you need to act like it and stop chasing another woman around. Love is an act of the will, a decision. Why dont you make the decision to love, honor and respect your wife, sounds like you havent made any effort to do so thus far.:(


You are married to X. Love is a choice. Choose to love X.


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