I may be dead wrong but this is just my 2 cents having married someone who joined the military just a few months past our first anniversary. He has now been in 17 yrs and we have been married 18.
My perception and where I was coming from had a lot to do with it. The disorganization I saw in dh was in direct correlation to how freakishly organized I am, so the farther I am on the scale in one direction, he was equally so on the other end of the spectrum, while that means he was the same distance from ‘normal’ that I am, I saw it as doubly in the wrong. Which was wrong. Getting that straight in my head helped a lot.
I also needed to take into consideration that every aspect of his existence at work as a jr enlisted at the time was controlled by others (for good reason so they tell me, but not having signed the dotted line myself I have never been able to fully understand) who may be total jerks, immoral, or fabulous examples of Christianity, that though is not why they are respected-they have nothing but a mark on their clothing that REQUIRES respect from all with other certain markings on their clothing. Trust me, ask him about his experiences at work, and listen to his responses. Anyone who can follow the military’s way of life and remain composed has earned my respect. I know that I could never be what they are, I would have been chaptered out or dishonorably discharged with a quickness!!! The tremendous personal control that requires is amazing to me. Often times this forced organization required at work would increase the desire to ‘let things go’ at home, in an envirioment where he could let things go. I am lucky that over the years dh has become more like me, probably because he has become the one to be directing others at work and sees the importance of organization, but if it had never happened I would like to think that I would have just picked up the confounded socks less than a foot from the hamper and let it go.
I also had to keep in mind that he remained commited to the military and took what I really felt to me inhumane treatment at work to support us and give us, his family, a better life. I know that is a long way from ‘giving one’s life for a friend’, or is it? If that doesn’t ‘earn’ my respect I don’t know what could.
Seriously, listen to his work related vents. The things they put up with early on would have any joe schmo throwing his apron at the manager and walking out of Taco Bell threatening a lawsuit, and would probably win and have national media attention. But these folks do it on a daily basis and remain composed, and say ‘yes sir’ or ‘yes first sgt’ and complete the mission (even if it is as trivial as mowing the btry lawn) with respect.
Once you hear these stories from him, I don’t think you will be able to help yourself from respecting him and loving him, because he loves you enough to do these things for you, his family.
My heart breaks for you as I understand how flustrating it can be.
God be with you