Love, lust, or infatuation?


#1

I need some advise. I have received advice from a priest and from my spiritual director, but I am still confused, so here’s my problem:

I am wondering if the feelings - for want of a better term - for my girlfriend are love, lust, or infatuation. I believe it is love, because I will the good of my girlfriend; I wish to convert her and to make her happy. Yet I believe it might be lust, because whenever I think of my girlfriend, it is usually in terms of sex. Yet I believe it also might be infatuation, because I love the physical qualities of my girlfriend, including her disabilities (junor Parkinson’s disease, for example). But, I also think of my girlfriend in other terms, as well, such as taking her to Mass, cooking, playing video games, going to the park, and enjoying a life together. And I also love the spiritual qualities of my girlfriend: the interests we hold in common, our desire to be writers, her great personality, and her brutal honesty and chastity. This is why I am so confused over my feelings (again, for want of a better term) for her.

I am also confused because of different advise I’ve recieved from a priest who’s dealt with the occult and from my spiritual director. Now, I hold my director’s advice above this other priest’s advice, since I consider the judgments of my spiritual directors to be the words of God, the Lord speaking through his lips to me, but nontheless, their different advise is a bit confusing to me. The ex-occultist priest whom I spoke to infomed me to leave my girlfriend because she’s sexually active (I told him she told me Wiccans are encouraged to be polyamorous) and that she’d lead me to destruction. My spiritual director told me I could date and marry my girlfriend (and I think that would count as a dispension? Not sure). So, on one hand, I’m told my girlfriend is possibly cheating on me, and, on the other hand, I’m told dating and marrying her would be alright. And that adds to my confusion over whether I really love my girlfiend.

Finally, I know I feel called to mariage, but I don’t feel called to parenthood. That’s also why I think I’m confused over my girlfriend, whether I really love her or are just using her (Heaven forbid it’s the latter!): See, she’s sterile, and that means she can’ have children. But we’re both open to having children. Though we’re getting a little bit closed to the idea, since we both know what it’s like to have children (we’ve both had to deal with younger siblings), however, I’m sure, by God’s grace, we’d be grateful to have childen should God give us some. But I do fear I’d be a terrible parent, given how I act. Still, I know I should trust in all things from God’s goodness and stop worrying over my weakness, because God would know it and He would never give me anything beyond my capability.

Well, that’s my problem. If anyone can give me some advice - hopfully it won’t make me any more confused - I’d be happy to receive it. I hope these doubts over my love go away.


#2

You’re such a sincere person and you labour so hard to grow and share spiritually but if you were my son or brother I’d be worried sick about your relationship.

All those attractive things are fine and beautiful, but they pale beside the huge issue of the vast difference between your faith and hers, and your morals and hers.
Why would she wish to go to Mass with you as a wife if she’s Wiccan? Why should she? So you’d go alone.

Why should she remain faithful to you if she has polyamorous beliefs…if not this year, next year. Even if you don’t mind being alone forty years in your faith, as a husband, how much unfaithfulness could you take? It might be fine the first year but you can’t possibly expect her to remain faithful, given her beliefs, as soon as things get a bit ordinary and maybe even boring as happens at times in marriage.

I’ve felt concerned for you each time you’ve mentioned the gulf between her beliefs and yours…hers aren’t even of a different Christian denomination. We meet so many people on these Forums alone who are in agony over the failures of their marriage for less cause than your would have.

Forgive me but if you were my son or brother I’d be so worried about you…as it happens I am concerned.

I don’t think that’s what you wanted to hear…but in any case I ask God to take care of you.


#3

No, no, it’s alright, good advise is good advise :slight_smile:

What I want to hear is “Everything is alright”. But we both know that there are times when someone wants something that isn’t good for them.

What I desire, on the other hand, is good honest advise. That is what I desire because that is what I need.

To speak plainly, I am a little afraid of breaking up. I am afraid for three reasons:

  1. My girlfriend has been dumped before - once for being sterile (I pray I’m not committing a sin by revealing this) - and I don’t want to drive her to self-harm or suicide, let alone offend her. She’s a very sensitive person, and I’m the first Christian, apparently, to be kind to her in her whole life.
  2. I don’t want to be a horrible father. I don’t want to marry a woman and find out, later, that I’m a horrible father and an unsupportive husband.
  3. I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone else who I can connect with like I do with my girlfriend. We have lots of things in common, especially our quirkiness and preferences in men and women. I know the old saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” but what if you can’t find the right fish?

#4
  1. You can’t marry someone because you’re scared of the consequences of breaking up with her, my brother. I wonder if that’s even valid. It’s not accepting that each of us is responsible for our own choices, as she is for hers. But I understand your dilemma. And I know you’re caring.

  2. Why do you think you’ll be a horrible father. Just because you may have had the usual kind of conflics with siblings doesn’t mean you won’t be a good Dad. You won’t be a perfect Dad or husband…none of us parents are perfect. We do the best we can manage.
    Will you love your children and be concerned for their true good? That makes you a good Dad.

3)Yes, I know that’s a hard one. I don’t know what opportunities you have for meeting others, or how much contact real you’ve had with other girls. Quirkiness and spirit may be more common than you think. I know it’s rampant in my family. We all have a lot of fun with it. And preferences with men and women…does this mean in friends? However you do lack the basic connection with her of belief in Jesus Christ and the Catholic Church, and belief in the sacredness of the Sacrament of marriage.

I don’t blame you if you wish you could throw something at me. I don’t want to cause you sorrow. I can pray for you anyway, and your girlfriend, so I ask God to keep you in all my Masses for as long as needed.

God bless you. Trishie


#5

throws a book at you :smiley:

Thank you for the advice :slight_smile:

I want to marry for love, not for fear. That’s why I’m wondering whether I really love my girlfriend or not. Or maybe I’m just having doubts? I don’t know.

I think I’ll be a horrible father because of how I act around children, and because I have assburgers syndrome.

Preferences in men and women? By that I meant, I have a perefence for big older women, dosen’t matter if it’s muscular or plump, nor a year old or age 30 (thought 50 is pushing it, methinks), and my girlfriend is a big woman and looks much older than she really is (looks 25-30, but is really 18); I have a preference for motherly women, I guess, but also a preference for young women who need direction, and she fits this role perfectly. My girlfriend has a preference for older guys, and I’m older than her (23). She has a preference for fatherly men, I think, and I tend to fit that for her, again I think. Plus, she loves children, and wants a child, and I can be very childish at times (that’s my quirkiness, more or less).


#6

I apologize if my last post has offended anyone.


#7

Well my husband and I have opposing religious beliefs… We get along just fine.

He’s a Christian, I’m not.


#8

Hi Eucharisted,

I am not one to tell someone what to do. I will however try to show you where you can get the answer. Pope John Paul II wrote a book called Love and Responsibility that answers your questions.
-Pope-John-Paul/dp/0898704456/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1236463924&sr=8-1Love-Responsibility
It can help you discern what it is that you are feeling. He wrote about Love as Attraction, Love as Good Will, he wrote that our love must be right and give justice to God. Catholic marriage is a sacrament, it is between two people and God. Maybe what you are trying to figure out is, "are you called to marry your girlfriend?"
That is what discernment is. The Exclamation: The Wise Choice of a Spouse for Catholic Marriage is a great book that asks a lot of questions that can help you discern if this is the person that you are called together with for Catholic marriage.
amazon.com/Exclamation-Choice-Spouse-Catholic-Marriage/dp/1413469353/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1236464035&sr=1-1


#9

Thank you, Imryl and grace :slight_smile:


#10

Eucharisted…what’s the hurry?..:confused:… you are only 23 and she’s only18…all these doubts should tell you-you are not ready…take your time-the fact that you don’t know the difference between love,lust, and infatuation says you’ve got some maturing to do… and as for worrying about being a good parent-most people have such thoughts before they are parents- but it’s precisely those concerns that suggest you would be a very attuned and caring parent…:thumbsup:


#11

My dear friend

If she will not totally renounce the wicca which is satanic and a part of that movement even if neither of you know it then dump her. They can use spells that the enemy makes to work you know- incl. love spells. If she embraces christianity and you see this for a long time then ok. A long time though. She will destroy you if she’s wiccan.
Give her the ultimatum. This is my advice:):thumbsup:


#12

I have a related questions. My girlfriend is in another state, where it snows frequently, and she messages me almost every day…for a month. Than I don’t get any messages for two months. It’s become sort of a pattern. She says it’s because she keeps losing the Internet (probably due to the snow storms). Recently, too, she’s been promising to IM with me, but doesn’t get around to doing it. It’s making me sad. I miss her and I want to talk to her, about the future and stuff. What I want to know, is this kind of communication normal? I’ve known about couples who’ve been years apart, and eventually got together, so I’m hoping in God, if it is His Will, for us to get together, yet at the same time, I wonder if this kind of lack of communication is normal. We’ve been together for, like, six months, maybe a year.


#13

My dear friend

I wonder if your not under a spell. The enemy can and does do this for the wiccan. Go to saint-mike.org/ and get help and check it out. What you say is not normal either. None of this sounds normal. Check it out my friend.

God bless and peace to you:thumbsup::slight_smile:


#14

…your last post (((Eucharisted)))-has me asking this question-have you ever met her?-or is this an “online” relationship…


#15

Never met, but we IM, chat on the phone (her phone’s dead now), and send pictures.


#16

((((Eucharisted)))))…I’m sorry to say I think you’ve been “pranked”-a hurtful misleading one…this girl you feel so much for may not even exist- what better way to strike a nerve in good Catholic man than to play on his sympathies and zing him with wicca-they were probably hoping it would trigger the "condemnation " response and that would be the end of it-but you forgave her and thought you might be in love…I think you should realize that no phone and no messages IS the message-and consider this a lesson on the cruelty that some people consider humorous-… you’ll know the real thing when it happens and will be more careful with your heart because of this-hopefully you haven’t been taken for gifts or money…(((((hugs)))))) God Bless


#17

Dear friend

i know you don’t want to hear it. been there done that. sounds like a spell and someone is messing with you. Check it out.

God bless:)


#18

Primary purpose of marriage: children
Secondary purpose of marriage: mutual help and comfort, and a remedy for concupiscence.

Which of these are you called to, which is your vocation to marriage?

How does your girlfriend fulfill her responsibilities to you in these three areas?

  1. She can’t have any, so you would have to adopt.
  2. Mutual help and comfort – does she lead you to God or away from God with this. Will she help or hinder more?
  3. Can you really not get over concupiscence without a wife? If you can, you shouldn’t marry, because celibacy is the superior state in life for serving God.

This is a long distance thing and you sound like the type of person who has trouble letting go. It’s very easy to get wrapped up in another person, especially with all the promises one spontaneously and stupidly spouts out about ‘forever’ and etc. without thinking of the consequences and in the heat of the moment.

Put these aside. You have a greater responsibility to God than to any bad promises and human desires.

Make it as simple as possible – does this person help or hinder by journey to God? If I were not involved in this relationship, but were looking at it from the outside, without all the emotions I created improperly through lust that are only proper to marriage – what would my judgement be? My rational and simple judgement?

The conclusion which may be hard to hear should be: Drop her like a rock. Close the door behind you.

Mixed marriage, occult, no children, polyamorous, long distance, sterility = no. Just no. How clearly does God have to say ‘no’? I find it hard to find a person whom you feel an attraction to where you would take any type of roadblock for ‘no’ at this rate.

No. Just plain no.

Close the door. And lock it, and walk away.

A person who marries merely for feelings but not with any logical and rational provision for the future… divorce/annulment. No foundation but feelings = no foundation at all.

So no. Just plain no.

Close the door. And lock it, and walk away.

Hope this helps. I know it’s hard to walk away from relationships. But most often not long after you do it, you realize it was right, and you wish you’d done it long ago.


#19

hi eucharisted, you have a lot of conflicting statements in your post, and so I assume in your thoughts as well.

I think it is obvious she has broken from you but you are keeping the heartstrings tied. Keep the love in your heart, but cut the string. And stop being compulsive about any communications with her. She is not responding, so it is foolish, really, to keep typing, typing away. Give it a rest. If you must, type out your thoughts but don’t send them.

And look for a nice girl who lives and breathes right in front you. Someone you can actually take out for a date. Hopefully someone who will WANT to go to Mass with you. :slight_smile:


#20

Thank you, everyone, for your patience and words. I will be asking my girlfriend a question, and, if I don’t recieve the response I’ll be expecting, I will cut off the strings, so to speak. I will also be speaking with my spiritual director about this, and his word will be the final judgment. Again, thank you everyone.


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