I need some advise. I have received advice from a priest and from my spiritual director, but I am still confused, so here’s my problem:
I am wondering if the feelings - for want of a better term - for my girlfriend are love, lust, or infatuation. I believe it is love, because I will the good of my girlfriend; I wish to convert her and to make her happy. Yet I believe it might be lust, because whenever I think of my girlfriend, it is usually in terms of sex. Yet I believe it also might be infatuation, because I love the physical qualities of my girlfriend, including her disabilities (junor Parkinson’s disease, for example). But, I also think of my girlfriend in other terms, as well, such as taking her to Mass, cooking, playing video games, going to the park, and enjoying a life together. And I also love the spiritual qualities of my girlfriend: the interests we hold in common, our desire to be writers, her great personality, and her brutal honesty and chastity. This is why I am so confused over my feelings (again, for want of a better term) for her.
I am also confused because of different advise I’ve recieved from a priest who’s dealt with the occult and from my spiritual director. Now, I hold my director’s advice above this other priest’s advice, since I consider the judgments of my spiritual directors to be the words of God, the Lord speaking through his lips to me, but nontheless, their different advise is a bit confusing to me. The ex-occultist priest whom I spoke to infomed me to leave my girlfriend because she’s sexually active (I told him she told me Wiccans are encouraged to be polyamorous) and that she’d lead me to destruction. My spiritual director told me I could date and marry my girlfriend (and I think that would count as a dispension? Not sure). So, on one hand, I’m told my girlfriend is possibly cheating on me, and, on the other hand, I’m told dating and marrying her would be alright. And that adds to my confusion over whether I really love my girlfiend.
Finally, I know I feel called to mariage, but I don’t feel called to parenthood. That’s also why I think I’m confused over my girlfriend, whether I really love her or are just using her (Heaven forbid it’s the latter!): See, she’s sterile, and that means she can’ have children. But we’re both open to having children. Though we’re getting a little bit closed to the idea, since we both know what it’s like to have children (we’ve both had to deal with younger siblings), however, I’m sure, by God’s grace, we’d be grateful to have childen should God give us some. But I do fear I’d be a terrible parent, given how I act. Still, I know I should trust in all things from God’s goodness and stop worrying over my weakness, because God would know it and He would never give me anything beyond my capability.
Well, that’s my problem. If anyone can give me some advice - hopfully it won’t make me any more confused - I’d be happy to receive it. I hope these doubts over my love go away.