Loved ones gone


#1

how do i cope??? My father died on the first of the year and now on the run up to christmas i feel unable to cope with the loss. Through out the year i have been getting on with life for the sake of my child but as christmas for us is a family time i just dont know how i will get through the day. My father died alone and the guilt i feel is unbearable. He was a good christian man and the last few years of his life was unforgivable as he suffered terrible loss and pain and was very ill. I love my dad and miss him with my whole heart. I hope that he is in heaven with the good lord to make sure of that i have asked the lord to give him my space if i had one. How do other people get through family events/occasions without loved ones passed on?:(


#2

trish, I feel for you, because I lost my dad back in March… these will be the first holidays we will go through without him and I’m not sure how I will be handling it. DH lost his father two years ago and we wondered the same thing. Somehow we go on and despite the pain we do feel happiness and even joy again. Children are great for helping you go on… they need us, so we do it for them and they keep us afloat when our sadness would sink us.

Know that your dad did not die alone… God is with us always and will never abandon one of his faithful ones. Keep your dad’s memory alive, and go ahead and cry if you have to (God knows I will be!) The pain never goes away, but you learn to find peace and happiness and comfort because the love we gave our loved ones comes back to us from them and keeps us connected.

I will keep you in my prayers and ask our dads to give you comfort and peace through this Christmas season. God bless!


#3

Thank you so much for your reply and for your kind prayers. I am sorry also for your loss. Funny thing how children keep us going as they need us. I think in turn how would we have got through it without them so i think it is us who need them. God bless and i pray that our dads are at peace.


#4

I am very sorry for the loss of your beloved father. The first Christmas is the hardest, but try and focus on your son, and not dwell too much on your grief. Do you have brothers and sisters or other family members you can talk to about your Dad? Maybe you all can get together and create a scrapbook of memories and celebrate his life with you or prehaps visit the cemetary on Chirstmas Day. :hug1:


#5

*oh trish, I'm so sorry for your loss. :( It can be tough around the holidays. I lost my parents...when I was a kid. It does get better with time, better meaning, you are more able to cope with their losses, than when their absence is fresh. But, time never completely heals the wound, I don't think so. :o BUT...God can comfort us like no one else can, so rely on Him during these times. I have a social group I started here, called ''Good Grief,'' specifically for people who are grieving, whether over a new loss, or older one. Please feel free to drop in, as we would be grateful to have you there. One of the things that we talk a lot about in there, is the need to allow ourselves to mourn, to really feel the pain and loss...and go with those feelings, even if we're a teary mess when we're done! :o

I will keep you in my prayers--may God give you peace through this trying time. *


#6

Sorry for your loss. Losing those we love is very hard and the pain never really goes away but it changes somehow. I lost my father several years ago in August and my mother just a few years ago a week before Christmas. I never had time to mourn my father because we found out my mother's cancer returned a few weeks after he died.

Holidays are still hard, especially since we used to go all out. Now I don't get as wrapped up as I used to in the decorating and stuff. On the other hand, they have become a more prayerful time and I'm more focused on the birth of Jesus. It's probably too soon for you yet but there may come a time when you will want to do something in memory of those you have lost. I now make cookies for local hospice families at Christmas and put a symbol on the box that I know means it's done in my Mom's memory. She would have loved cookies and would have loved to give them to her but I didn't have time - I couldn't leave her unattended long enough. Perhaps one day you'll develop a tradition of your own that you can share with your children and it will take the sting out just a bit.

In the meantime, hold your kids, pray, cry if you want. Take care.


#7

Hiyas Trish and BlueRose.:)

I sorrow for your losses.

I'm speaking as a kid:

We need you to help keep their memories alive for us and HolyDays are a great place to tell us stories.

I hope this helps


#8

My Dad died in April, 2001 and I still miss him terribly. Each year it gets a little easier. We miss him, but someone always brings up a memory about something he said or did and it makes us all laugh. Memories are good.

Pray for his soul in case he is in Purgatory - I still pray for my Dad and I know that even if he has moved into Heaven, someone still can use the prayers. I did not really pray for the souls in Purgatory so much until after my Dad died - then it made me realize how much they need the prayers.

I heard someone say to ask the souls in Purgatory for intercession, as we do the saints in heaven - their prayers for us help them move out of Purgatory more quickly. I think that is a wonderful thought.

I am praying for you and your family. God bless!


#9

It's okay to feel sad in Advent. Think about how sad Israel was and all the other Gentile nations were, waiting on the Lord to come. And even after Jesus came, sad things did happen, like the slaughter of the Holy Innocents. Jesus' own foster father died, sometime between the Finding in the Temple and when Jesus began His preaching. You are not alone in feeling sad.

So you are weeping like Rachel, or like the children of the Patriarchs and Matriarchs when they passed away. Like them, you're unsure of how God will deal with your father, but you know you can trust His mercy and love. You pray for your father. You love the rest of your family and pray for them.

You wait for the Lord to come and help you. And He will, in ways you cannot yet foresee, in ways more wonderful than you could have guessed. He will fulfill His covenant with you and His love for your father. He will not leave either of you orphaned of His love and care.

You might also like to talk to St. Joseph about your troubles. He's a pretty good expert on dads. :)


#10

Trish,

My father passed in 1996 & mom in 1999. i miss them terribly everyday and they are in my heart and in my prayers, as is your father today.

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus, nunc et in hora Mortis Nostrae!

mark


#11

Thank you to all of you for your kind word and for your prayers. I dont know how i will feel about christmas day but i know i will have to make it a happy one for my family. I have two sisters one recently married and the other lives in the city who this year are doing there own thing for christmas. So we have decided that we will all put money together and get really nice flowers and wreaths for dad and grans graves. I have beautiful crystal graveside ornaments we will also place for them. On christmas morning i will pray as i always do but ill say an extra prayer for gran and dad. I will also leave a message on dads mobile phone as this is buried with him so that we can text and leave messages. i have thought alot about this and i think that to just go with the flow will be best. I will cry i will miss them and always love them. Thank you everyone. :o


#12

[quote="trish_scotland, post:1, topic:176964"]
how do i cope??? My father died on the first of the year and now on the run up to christmas i feel unable to cope with the loss. Through out the year i have been getting on with life for the sake of my child but as christmas for us is a family time i just dont know how i will get through the day. My father died alone and the guilt i feel is unbearable. He was a good christian man and the last few years of his life was unforgivable as he suffered terrible loss and pain and was very ill. I love my dad and miss him with my whole heart. I hope that he is in heaven with the good lord to make sure of that i have asked the lord to give him my space if i had one. How do other people get through family events/occasions without loved ones passed on?:(

[/quote]

As someone who lost his immediate family young, I will only suggest that you concentrate on the family you have. Teach and preserve the good traditions and customs for the next generation. You state you have a child (a spouse too?). I wish I were so fortunate.


#13

I'm very sorry for your loss Trish.

My mother died a year ago this past October so last Christmas was our first year without her. In some ways this year seems harder because last year we still had something of a sense of unreality about her being gone.

I think the best way to cope with the loss of a loved one is by focusing on how you can spread that love you received from that person to others. You already are trying to do so for your child. Perhaps you (and your child if old enough) can spend some time around Christmas volunteering for an organization that helps the poor. Or maybe you can give a gift in your father's name to someone who might not otherwise have received one. If you normally invited your father to dinner for Christmas then maybe you can invite a student, widow(er), or single person who is alone and unable to be with family.

I understand that you feel some guilt about what you were unable to do for your father in his last months. Please don't let that keep you from sharing the love you and your father had for each other with others.


#14

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.