Loveless in a seven year marriage


#1

Hi
This is my first time writing and first time going through this forum
I am deeply troubled. My husband and I have 6 kids in total 2 are his 1 mine and 3 ours and have been married for 7 years now. In 2006 I caught my husband on the phone with a woman in which he told her he wished things were different if she didn’t have a boyfreind and he wasn’t married and such. The phone call was disconnected so I could not hear what else was said to my knowledege that’s all that was said and it was an old girlfriend supposedly. I asked him to leave but he did not we argured and decided to go to retrouvialle which was a month later. I became pregnant becuase of our makeup loving. I was going to tell him during our weekend at retrouville but had a miscarriage in which I did tell about I was deeply sadded and hurt. We agreed we both wanted one more baby so we continued to try things we going good we contiuned using our tools and dialogued everyday. July
of the same year I found this womans (same as before) number on a post it on his desk. So I called the number and yes it was her. He denied that he was calling her but the cell phone showed dialed and received calls. Again we argued after everything we had been through in Feb and now it was happening again he didn’t leave again when I asked him to… Again we made up and he promised and called her in front of me and supposeldy left a message saying not to call him anymore and he wanted nothing to do with her. I again became pregnant and lost it at about 6 weeks again. I think the two miscarriages were due to overwork at work and over stress at home. Anyway this time he took it harder and again insisted we try again . This time all was better but I did not worry about what he was doing and he did much better at being home for fear of over stressing me . My son was born last July and we haven’t dialougred or even communicated like a married couple should since he was conceived. I have tried to express my feelings of unhappiness and me not trusing him still but he does not seem to think it is an issue. I wrote him a love letter on Valentines Day expressing my true feelings of being alone in my marriage and how I did not want to live in a loveless and affectionaless marriage but he has told me that he hasn’t had a chance to read it. After many months of confessing to the priest my unhappiness and mistrust for my husband I have prayed and asked God for guidance but nothing seems to work. Finally a priest told me to leave him since I did not trust him and we were not living in a sacramental marriage anyways. I thought the church was against divorce??? Anyway I finally exploded on Sunday and haven’t spoken to him since. I am alone and tired of dealing with our kids and work while he gets up to go to the gym at 4 am and returns at 7am and goes to work until about 5 or 6pm and doesn’t help at all around the house but expects me to help him with his homework in which he goes to night school on Wednesdays and I sometimes smell perfume on him but do not confront about this. He is a 18 year recovering alcholic and goes to meetings on Fridays from 7 to about 11 pm in which they go out for Coffee and sometimes he goes to hang out at work until about 2am?! What am I suppose to think or do if every avenue is pointing to his unhappiness with me and his regrets to not being able to run around without being questioned. I am fed up and am ready to leave but am afraid of the outcome. I just want him to love me and treat me like his wife like I tell I just want you to let me love you like my husband. We have a sacramental marriage so I know this is for life but is it fair for him to neglect and push me away?
Please give me answers or guidance I don’t understand what God wants me do.

Thanks
:gopray2:


#2

M’am, I dunno what to say, I know you’re looking for advice but I’m reluctant to offer any when someone is facing a life changing decesion.

You need to see a professional, who will listen to BOTH sides of this story, (yours and his) and from there try to salvage your marriage, but you’ll hafta to face the reality it might not be possible, for reasons outside of your control.

If you’re trying to decide this relationship is God’s will or not, I suggest going all the way back to the beginning and see if you ignored several red flags but you proceeded on anyway. That might help trying to understand God’s and how to proceed.


#3

I would love to help you but am not exactly certain of what you hope for. You mentioned several times that you asked him to leave…do you want him to leave? Then you mentioned that you wanted to work it out…is this what you want? Perhaps at different times you have wanted both.

I will offer this in the hopes that your husband is simply being distant and is not being unfaithful which is a different situation: Do what YOU can to change your marriage relationship. You cannot change him but you can change yourself. Your husband is gone all the time, why does he not want to come home? He is taking every opportunity to avoid you and coming home. If he is being unfaithful this may not be helpful, but if he is simply avoiding you then this may help: For one week treat your husband like he is the most wonderful man in the world! Compliment him, hug him, kiss him. Tell him you are sorry that things have gone bad and tell him all the things about him that you admire. He may not respond at first and be cold-shouldered, this is okay. Resist the temptation to complain and whine that he is not helping or that he does not love you for an entire week. Make this next week 100% positive. He will probably think you have lost your mind but he will love it!

I will share a situation from my life that is less complicated then yours but may shine some light on what I am trying to say. When my children were younger and my husband came home it was bad. I was tired and the children were difficult. Especially when I was pregnant and tired when my husband walked in the door I was sometimes crying and whining and unloaded my day onto him. After a while he confessed to me that he dreaded walking in the door on the drive home.

Now I know marriages are supposed to be supportive but here was our quick fix. I promised him that no matter how bad my day was that when he walked in the door I would greet him with love! I kept my promise. He looked forward to coming home to smiles and warm greetings! If there was something bothering me I would bring it up to him a little later after he got time to settle in and we would talk calmly. This helped our marriage immensely.

Your husband probably does not want to read the Valentine’s letter and I can guess why. You mentioned it is was love letter but then you continued to say you wrote about living in an affectionless marriage and how you felt alone in your marriage.

I have learned the hard way that treating positive will often get positive results. Complaining to my husband that he does not hug or kiss me enought and that I am sad has rarely managed to get him to be more affectionate! However reaching out and kissing him and telling him what a great dad he is and how much I love him works wonders.

For one week, everytime you feel neglected, sad, anger, resentful or hurt…reach out and KISS or HUG your husband instead of arguing or harboring bad feelings. This may be over-simplified for your situation but it isn’t a bad place to start. I will pray for you, hope this helps a little. God bless.


#4

You sound like you are going through a nightmare there. No one should have to go through that! And everyone, like you, deserves to be loved by their spouse.:hug1:

Two people need to be commited to make a marriage work. A less satisfactory marriage would be an unequal marriage where one partner gives way to their spouse’s uncommitted behaviour and just endures it. It seems that this is what you have done, though not, I would understand, without a great deal of emotion. You appear to have tried to overlook, as much as you could manage, the signs of his lack of commitment. And perhaps from what you say, you have reached a point, for the moment at least of being unable to settle for his behaviour.

You love and need your husband, but you throw doubt on his commitment …with good reason, it seems. It does rather sound as if your husband may be self-absorbed, and if he is not prepared to face the unfairness of his behavior honesty and repentantly, and sincerely intend to change, it seems you need to decide to accept it, or…
I wonder if your husband finds it stressful to cope with six children and is using various means to escape his responsibilities. I can believe that you have your hands full with the children, including an infant, and all the marital stress is compounding your own stresses.

It all sounds very painful, and the best thing I can do is pray for you, your husband, and the children. How all this grief and confict is impacting on the children will be part of your dilemma, and how to support them if you were on your own with them, so it is understandable that you don’t know how to resolve your difficulties.

I’m mostly just to reiterating what you said, so maybe you see a way through the trees by hearing it from someone else, but also so you know that your dilemma and heartbreak is understood, poor dear girl.

I can’t advise you, but as my parish priest says to anyone who comes to him for marital advice (barring in Confession of course), “I’m flying like a chicken with one wing if I only have one side of the story.” Is it possible to see your own priest, or a counsellor, together?

Really, all I can do is pray, and I will. May Jesus be with you in all this grief and dilemma. May the Holy Spirit touch your husband’s spirit and bring him into love and appreciation of you, his loving wife. Take good care of yourself, Trishie :coffee: :coffee:

A priest might suggest you leave if he saw that your relationship was too incurably destructive for you and the children. However, please God you will be able to save your marriage in mutual justice, love, and peace. And as I understand it, the marriage is Sacramental (or valid) if the first marriages were annulled and you were married in the Catholic Church, if you are Catholic. You would both need an annulment unless the first marriages weren’t valid, in order to make the present marriage valid. I say that only because of the priest’s opinion.


#5

Prayers for you Jen.


#6

My husband has been sober for 15 years and is very active in AA. I would suggest an Alanon meeting to you. You can find a meeting by calling the AA Central office where you live.

Alanon does not help you change your significant other. It offers you support and tools for living with someone who has an addiction. You might not think your current issues have anything to do with his addiction because he has been sober for so long, but it has been my experience that even a sober addict can revert to “drunk” behavior without ever taking a drink.

My husband goes to meetings every week (actually twice a week). He also has coffee and talks afterwards. I view it as important for him to have that comradarie. But I also know that if it became a situation where I felt he was neglecting me and our family, I could discuss that with him and he would not hesitate to limit that part of it. I actually enjoy it and use it as “me” time. God Bless and Hang in there… Alcoholics (even sober ones) are a breed of their own!


#7

Your husband is gone all the time, why does he not want to come home? He is taking every opportunity to avoid you and coming home. If he is being unfaithful this may not be helpful, but if he is simply avoiding you then this may help: For one week treat your husband like he is the most wonderful man in the world! Compliment him, hug him, kiss him. Tell him you are sorry that things have gone bad and tell him all the things about him that you admire. He may not respond at first and be cold-shouldered, this is okay. Resist the temptation to complain and whine that he is not helping or that he does not love you for an entire week. Make this next week 100% positive. He will probably think you have lost your mind but he will love it!

Wow, talk about blaming the victim here. It sounds like her husband is being completely selfish, and having affairs to boot. That smell of perfume, the phone calls to other women, staying out until 2 am, all clearly indicate a man who is being adulterous and untrustworthy. Trust that gut feeling because it is not wrong.

For the record, I tried doing that loving bit with my ex husband after I discovered he was adutlerous. He ended up thinking he could have his cake and eat it too, and actually increased the aduterous behavior.

I am sorry the OP is going through this. It is very hurtful behavior on his part. He is not being honest, and therefore there is nothing to work on so long as he continues this way. Even Retrouvaille doesn’t work in cases like this, where there are lovers on the side because there is no honest communication on his part at all. Pack his bags and leave them on the porch the next time he is out until 2 am. He needs a wake up call. He is completely disrespecting you and your children. ((Hugs))


#8

What does that mean?:shrug:


#9

colormn,

It wasn’t meant to be “deep” rather it was more of an off handed remark. I just meant that they have certain traits or characteristics that might be specific to them. Much like Catholics (or other religions), politicians, men, women, Dallas Cowboy fans, etc… :smiley:


#10

I have no idea what advice to give you, but I will keep you and your family in my prayers. :signofcross:


#11

I knew it was not “deep” as you put it. I am laughing at how condescending that sounded.
It was quite simply a question!


#12

His penchant for cheating is a whole seperate issue from his being an alcoholic. Many mean cheat it is a problem with some, Alcoholism and cheating are two seperate issues, sure some Alcoholics cheat but those types would cheat even if alcoholism was not a factor.

It is very obvious that the OP is saying that her husband’s going out after his meeting means he is most probably cheating. Dosen’t sound like he is doing it for comradarie ( well not the type you mean at least:) ) They are a breed of their own??


#13

Alcoholics, even sober ones, can tend to be extremely egotistical and self-centred. They truly believe without question that they exist at the centre of the Universe, and that all that exists, exists either to serve them or to annoy them. They cannot conceive the idea of anything existing for its own sake, or for someone else’s sake.

This makes them extremely difficult to live with.

I agree with the person who said that the next time he is out all hours of the night, you should change the locks and leave his luggage on the porch. It might serve as a wake-up call that all is not well at home.


#14

I will pray for you. I would perhaps seek counseling, so that perhaps you both can get to the root of the problem within your marriage, and your husband can hopefully find out what is troubling him. It is hard to surrender ourselves to another person completely, when we are imprisoned from sin, guilt, or a past perhaps that has a choke hold on us. I think that you both have a lot invested, and a lot at stake, but only you both can make that determination, if your marriage is worth getting some help to make it better, or moving on, separate ways.

I pray for you to find enlightenment, and comfort for your aching heart. I’m so sorry this is happening.:frowning:


#15

Well thank you for that description being a sober alcoholic for over 25 yrs I find your definition of us Alky’s quite offensive.
No all sober alcoholic who work very hard at their sobriety and try to live good decent lives are not as you so kindly describe.

I know many many of them who are the greatest, kindest most giving people. All I can say to your opinion of us is Wow!


#16

I said “can tend to be.” Some break the mold, thank God.


#17

I don’t believe that a person’s problems begin with an addiction to drugs, alcohol, or anything really…the main problem lies *at the root *of why they cling to alcohol. Not the addiction, itself. That has always been my take on alcoholism, etc…it is an often misunderstood condition. Alcoholics can devestate their families, and their own lives certainly if they don’t seek help to stop, but…it’s in the reason behind the drinking, that is the real problem. Just my thoughts on it.


#18

Alcoholism is a desease, according to the American Medical Association.It is not a misunderstood condition, it is not a condition, it is a very sad disease. The reason for the disease again according to The American Medical Association., and many other sources it that there is a misswiring in the brain, it is chemical, There is no other reason behind it. Now the fact that Alcoholism stunts the emotional and the maturity of the said drinkers brain they act out in all the negative and hurtfull ways. I’m sorry but your take on Alcoholism is what makes it so misunderstood.


#19

Please do not attack me…I don’t know everything about alcoholism, but I’m trying to share my thoughts–and be understanding as I see it. My question to you though is…are you saying that alcoholics have no control over their actions, then?:confused: That the acting out, is out of their control? Again, asking a question…trying to understand

I do believe that it’s a sad disease…I used the word condition…I apologize. There is no need to attack, though.


#20

To the OP–I pray for you and your husband…like I said above, that God enlightens you to what the next steps should be with your marriage.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.