I am listening to Christmas music as I write this. Not the fun, cheery and festive songs, but the profound, inspiration spiritual classics. The songs like the First Noel, Come All Ye Faithful, Go Tell It On The Mountain Etc. Lyrics don’t get much more holy than this:
"Mild, he lays his glory by, born that man no more may die. Born to raise the sons of earth, born to give them second birth." These lyrics invoke times of childhood simplicity, times when God was at the centre of my life. A time when I loved Jesus and despite my families breakup and being mercilessly bullied and picked on had a joy and hope because of my faith. However at the age of 15 I lost my faith. There was a month of questions and doubts that no one in my life could answer. (I did not know at the time that Apologetics existed). However there was a sudden and clear cut moment when my faith left me. It was the last day before Christmas holidays, last period. I was sitting in technology class when I was telling someone about my faith, when in a split second I seemed to be emptied of faith and belief. AND hope. I was depressed before, but now I was depressed in a suicidal sense. Absolute despair of all of lifes dangers without hope to handle them. Now, 12 years latter, and dozens of apologetics books which have been read latter (Hugh Ross, N.T. Wright, William Lane Craig, Josh Mcdowell, Lee Strobel Etc.). I still have doubts which effect my life in profoundly sad ways. For example:
I want to be a part of the Catholic church on a social level. But how do I remain honest and man of integrity when people may be afraid of my questions and doubts?
I want to eventually marry a Christian woman… Same problem as above.
I need faith, I need God in my life so much. I have a hard time without that hope and underpinning in my life. The passing time is heart wrenching. I will not be able to handle the deaths of people I love. I will not be able to handles life’s fears (I have alot), I will not be able to pursue a religious vocation.
I am not sure what I am looking for by posting this. Maybe my goal is just to express my thoughts and feelings.