People who know me , know that I’m mad for comparative religion. They also know that I’ve never had a sense of place or family that I could call my own. My childhood parish being far from me, and many in my cherished city closing, i simply fell out of being a practicing Catholic. Gor into the LDS for the worst reason you can get into a religion: the love (or infatuation) of a charismatic missionary; fell out of the LDS because I didn’t have a major conviction for it to begin with. Fell into Wicca, new age stuff. Got tired of it. There are books all over the place on practicing the Craft solo, but it’s a lonely life. By the time I met the man I would marry, I was hungry for faith and adopted his. I told him i would go to temple or Gurudwara with him; he is born-and-raised Sikh, and far more orthodox than I. It was not a condition of marriage, but I promised that it would be part of our married life. I promised to keep the long hair and wear the articles of devotion as far as the law would allow me (one article is a ceremonial knife and after losing a job and getting kicked out of a mall, I decided to save it for temple only, though the “orthodox” wear theirs all day.) I still believe in the core teaching sof Guru Nanak: the veneration of the Holy Name in all one’s prayer and worldly doings; work honestly for one’s living unless health puts one in such a situation that SSI needs to be received, so you can give to others; share what you have worked honestly for; and remember God, always. And you know what? I’m thinking that these things can be part of any religious life and belief, and I fnd myself reaching for my rosary a lot lately.
I miss the Church. And I am scared witless over my husband. His parents’ marriage has crumbled and the only thing keeping them together is a sense of duty and the fact that his Catholic mother won’t divorce. His father is Sikh. My in-laws are at each other’s throats on a regular, scheduled basis and I don’t want that. We have such a good marriage.
I told my husband yesterday that, after we had to have our cat put down last year, I spent a lot of time not reaching for the Sikh prayer book and the litany for the dead, but for the rosary. I said too bad, if this is what makes me remember God and if it does something for our baby’s spirit, so be it. (we believe heaven would not be heaven without the sinless animals, for why would God let little children come to stay with Him without allowing them the pleasures of playing fetch with a puppy, and feeling the purr of a cat? But I realize this is something personal, and I digress.) He said it was okay, but I saw the worry in his face. Imagine the blow-up i’m sure I’ll face when i tell him I want to go to Mass again. i miss Mass. Is is a horrible thing to do mass on Saturday and attend his services Sunday, to keep our marriage stable? i don’t want to disrespect the thing that makes my husband the good and God-fearing man that he is. But I can’t deny myself either. I think I want to be Catholic again, I’m scared and he just came home from work…