Originally Posted by Stefanya View Post
Hello…the best way I can describe myself is: I’ve endeavored to live my entire life “In Service to God”.
God has always been my guide, my strength, my solace, my reason for being and my constant companion. I have throughout my life always firmly believed in the Power and strength of God’s Infinite Love.
I am 62, now a grandmother to 2 little boys I have never held, never met, never kissed.
I was a good, attentive and loving mother to a son for whom I had the best intentions to raise in the spirit of Love. I had a policy of never shaming, blaming, yelling at or beating my children. I believed that Love would overcome what ever difficulties life threw at us. I was 35 and steering my children toward God (for God) as I felt a mother’s duty to be.
A tragedy happened one day in grade 4 while my son was at recess in the school yard. I ensured that the school I enrolled my son in was based on offering religious instruction. My husbands father was in fact a Greek Catholic Priest (deceased)
At recess, my son was bullied by a class mate ( the son of a Greek Orthodox priest in fact). My son suffered PTSD. Symptoms ranged from avoidance, to anger, to bouts of rage.
When I lovingly stroked my child’s head that night and invited my child to tell Mama what happened that day that caused him to walk home from recess crying, he pushed away with rage from his mother and mother’s love. The following day, I was perplexed to walk past his door and hear a growl emitting from his room. He was growling at me.
Unknown to me, In asking him to share his hearts pain, I had inserted myself as the first link on the Chain of Associations. I lost my child that day as he began to project his rage onto me (his loving mother) I was a safe target.
Not only did my son project his rage onto his nearest and dearest but his strong avoidance symptoms caused him to push away from everything that reminded him of the school, of the religion taught in the school, his ethnic roots and he pushed away from God. God and religion became a trigger that evoked tremendous rage, verbal expressions of contempt. I had to transfer my son to another school as he refused to return.
Over the years, I attempted many times to get my son help but few knew anything about PTSD and the more I tried, the more I failed, the further my son retreated and the angrier he became. His anger became a drug. My son tormented me with his Bullying, his name calling, intimidation, threats of violence and contempt.
At age 25, his anger was a determining factor in the collapse of his short marriage. Several months later, he called me 3 days before Christmas to advise me that he did not intend to make it to our family dinner. When i inquired why, his reply was: Because you’re an ******* and besides no one likes you anyway…My heart sank.
I was a battered and abused mother, at a loss as to how to reach him, at a loss as to how to stop the abuse. I bundled up a few books and wrote a short note asking him what he wanted me to do with the information (abusive name calling) and invited him to walk through the door to healing… I love you Mama.
3 days later, he stood at my door, lip quivering, body raging, deposited the books on my doorstep and served me and his father with legal documents to appear in court “Criminal Harrassment”. My son requested a Peace Bond. I had to hire a lawyer. My letter inviting him to walk through the door to healing was twisted and I was vilified.
The Judge did not grant him a Peace Bond but 8 years ago was the last time I saw my son (on the witness stand stating "You guys ****ed up raising me). I just sat there and cried as my heart was breaking. He saw me cry but felt nothing but indignation and justification. My son was so lost.
Months and years went by. My son initiated a Bullying smear campaign against me (the sharing of False Concerns). “My Mother the Whore”. A mother who did what no mother should ever have done. The fabrications and embellishments, the false childhood memories he fabricated and alluded to broke my heart. My son often went out of his way to approach people I knew, people I worked with to share his grievances against me:
People reported his comments: "When my children are born, I don’t even intend to tell my mother their names.
People naturally questioned and came to their own conclusions. There was no way for me to fend off the vicious and hurtful rumors, speculations and opinions.
After years of his successful attempts to isolate me from family and family functions through his hate mongering, intended to isolate me from Love, I had to admit defeat and retreat. I sold my house, I packed up my life and moved 12 hours away by car in order to save myself from the darkness that was falling on me and around me.
My son had become obsessed with irrational, illogical and unreasonable contempt toward me. He couldn’t be reached, couldn’t be reasoned with. My son is disconnected from God. Proud, Arrogant, Angry, Lacking Compassion, lacking empathy and punishing. There was a brief moment in time where I, having realized the extent of his disconnectedness and hatred toward me, began with some trepidation, to question my own safety.
This is something that no mother should endure. I set out to raise my child with a mother’s love, for God’s purpose. Some terrible evil has invaded my son’s mind and soul. My son now 35, has hate and contempt for me, despises religion, maintains that God is not. He has embraced a life that has been instrumental in destroying Love and caused upheaval in our family. His divisive and disordered personality has permeated our family like a cancer. My son is and has been on an obsessive mission to destroy me.
No words can describe the extent of my grief, my longing, my emptiness, my sorrow. To lose a child to death is one thing, but to lose a child to evil intent is a souls eternal torment.
I often ask myself what I could have done to have prevented this, to help my wounded little boy, to avoid this outcome but the answer is always the same: I did the best I could, I tried everything I could, I loved him with everything I had. A child in grade 4 is too young to be given free will, to make choices. He chose to close his heart to avoid feeling pain. He chose to medicate with anger. A child chose to reach for the Power that anger provided him, instead of ask for the strength that God offers. My child is lost in the dark woods and I’m powerless to reach him. He’s now a grown man with 2 children of his own.
I need a miracle.