If a husband merely convinces his wife to “step up to the plate”, he may get somewhat more sex, but it is not realistic to expect the experience will be more satisfying for anyone. If she realizes she has a duty, it might get her back to the brainstorming session, but it will not solve the problem you’re describing. Pressing the duty aspect in the wrong way will probably make it worse. After all, she might dislike sex because she believes her husband is self-centered in the bedroom, that the exercise is not much other than duty for her. If that is true, “playing the duty card” will only cement that impression.
I think a little deeper expectation examination is in order.
What do you mean by boring? What is missing? Do you think your spouse finds sex interesting? Describe what you think she would find exciting. Compare that with what you are looking for and anticipate how the two might be reconciled.
What do you mean by “lucky”? Does this mean you are hoping to win the lottery, but have not bought any tickets? What experiences have made you hesitate to put more effort into this? If previous efforts have failed, why might that be? Are there other avenues to try?
Have you investigated why your wives desires have dropped off? Is it that your wives have too much on their plates? Too much work? Hobbies that take too much time? Why are the hobbies more satisfying than time spent with you? Is it that their wives not only find sex boring, but don’t find it offers them any satisfaction at all? It could be that the wives need to be coaxed not to have more sex, but to spend more time on the whole relationship of their marriages, on their friendship with their husbands. (It isn’t just men who fail in this area. It goes both ways.)
Does it concern them that their wives don’t have a sex life? Does it concern them that their wives are missing out? Does it concern them that their wives aren’t concerned?
I don’t think this is a purely biological problem–many women actually have a rise in desire as they reach their 40s–but I also don’t think it is a problem with a single cause that is applicable to everyone. Actually, it is probably rare that this comes from just one issue. Rather, I suspect that over the years, little areas of miscommunication and neglect add up. It can be neglect to exercise, it can be neglect to maintain an emotional relationship that makes the physical relationship desirable to a woman, it can be neglect to set aside time for each other, it can be neglect of relaxation time in favor of a million jobs to do, neglect of sleep, neglect in tending to the friendship, neglect of a shared sense of fun in general. As for miscommunication, sometimes I think it is easy to get to middle age and find that you haven’t been in communication with yourself for awhile! We are too prone to letting sleeping dogs lie.
If a person were running a business and he felt the customers were not showing enough interest and that he was getting too little return on his efforts, if the business was to survive he’d have to look into a wide range of possibilities to improve things. He’d look into what was taking away from his bottom line. He’d look into his relationship with his customers, whether they were getting experiences he wasn’t aware of, whether their buying habits had changed, and so on. He’d look into what successful concerns were doing differently than he did.
There are problems with that analogy, because of course a married couple is in the same enterprise! The point I am trying to make is that a good sex life is not a goal that can be reached by complaining. You have to look into getting both of you motivated, and motivated in the same direction. You have to figure out how to rekindle enthusiasm, because very few people turn out an interesting result if they don’t have enthusiasm for the endeavor. So while neglect of duty might be the problem, I doubt it is often the solution.
This could be a tricky business. For instance, what if a husband looks at his marriage and realizes that his wife is likely to be uninterested in sex because she is physically in bad shape: little exercise, too much stress, bad nutrition, too little sleep? Of course you’re going to have infrequent boring sex if simply moving is a chore, but that is a hard issue for him to address without offending her. He’d need to entice her to make some of the changes in a way that enhances their friendship, instead of damaging it.
IOW, I think it is a problem that has many different answers, and some of them far from easy. It is a problem worth addressing, though, because I think in most cases it takes an overall improvement in one’s quality of life to rekindle an interest in sex that has essentially died. Very much worth it, though.