Many 40 something husbands are unhappy with their sex lives


#1

I am hearing this more and more…40 something married men very dissatified with the amount of sex they get in their marriage. They say they are lucky if they get it once a month and when they get it, it’s boring.

Do us wives need to step up to the plate and make an effort to fulfill this need in our husbands? How many of us often turn down our husbands when they are looking for intimacy?

About 40% of married men cheat…could this be a big contributing factor?


#2

Without in any way excusing cheating, yes, this could be.

I would be devastated if my husband felt that way about our sex life. We are both 37, so we are heading that direction age-wise.

On the other hand, given that we made love five times over three days this past weekend and five times over two days the weekend before, not to mention twice just today, I should hope that the frequency isn't too low. ;)

If it is, though, I would be glad to up it further! :thumbsup:


#3

Some wives complain of the same thing.

Instead of complaining, maybe they should be having meaningful conversations with their spouses.


#4

[quote="Serap, post:1, topic:292853"]
I am hearing this more and more....40 something married men very dissatified with the amount of sex they get in their marriage. They say they are lucky if they get it once a month and when they get it, it's boring.

Do us wives need to step up to the plate and make an effort to fulfill this need in our husbands? How many of us often turn down our husbands when they are looking for intimacy?

About 40% of married men cheat...could this be a big contributing factor?

[/quote]

Are you referring to a specific article you read (regarding the disastifaction at 40 and the amount of cheating) .

Maybe I'm naive, but 40 % of married men cheat? seems sort of high. :( if I'm out with 5 friends, two of their husbands would be likely to be cheating?


#5

I think it's important to remember that sex is simply one aspect of marriage. If a married person feels that any aspect of the marriage is lacking, then I think a discussion is in order.

However, I've heard it said before that sex is like money; everything is fine so long as you have it, but it becomes a problem when you're not getting it.

Perhaps society stresses too much about it at the expense of neglecting the other aspects.

God bless you.


#6

[quote="Serap, post:1, topic:292853"]
I am hearing this more and more....40 something married men very dissatified with the amount of sex they get in their marriage. They say they are lucky if they get it once a month and when they get it, it's boring.

Do us wives need to step up to the plate and make an effort to fulfill this need in our husbands? How many of us often turn down our husbands when they are looking for intimacy?

About 40% of married men cheat...could this be a big contributing factor?

[/quote]

I wonder if you would hear the same thing if you asked the wives. I know several wives who are very dissatisfied with the amount of sex they get in thier marriages. They are lucky if they get "it" once a month and it is often described as their spouse just going through the motions.

The big difference, in my opinon, is that is a husband gets "turned down" for sex, he will probably just try again another night. If a wife gets turned down, she takes it as a sign she is no longer attractive or desireable and stops trying altogether. The stats also seem to point to fewer wives than husbands cheating to solve their perceived problem.

Maybe it's just that once people reach their 40s or beyond, their sex drives are more varried. The high value that our society puts on sex makes this seem like a HUGE "problem" when it is really just part of growning up.


#7

[quote="Mary_Gail_36, post:4, topic:292853"]
Are you referring to a specific article you read (regarding the disastifaction at 40 and the amount of cheating) .

Maybe I'm naive, but 40 % of married men cheat? seems sort of high. :( if I'm out with 5 friends, two of their husbands would be likely to be cheating?

[/quote]

No...no article. Just men I've spoken to.

I hope my hubby doesn't feel this way!!

the 40% I did get from an article...would need to look for it. It said that 20% of married women cheat. These stats are constant across all cultures in their research.

Yeah, it does seem high.


#8

:thumbsup:


#9

[quote="Corki, post:6, topic:292853"]
I wonder if you would hear the same thing if you asked the wives. I know several wives who are very dissatisfied with the amount of sex they get in thier marriages. They are lucky if they get "it" once a month and it is often described as their spouse just going through the motions.

The big difference, in my opinon, is that is a husband gets "turned down" for sex, he will probably just try again another night. If a wife gets turned down, she takes it as a sign she is no longer attractive or desireable and stops trying altogether. The stats also seem to point to fewer wives than husbands cheating to solve their perceived problem.

Maybe it's just that once people reach their 40s or beyond, their sex drives are more varried. The high value that our society puts on sex makes this seem like a HUGE "problem" when it is really just part of growning up.

[/quote]

I'm very satisfied with my marital sex life and I believe my hubby is too. I HOPE!!!

I've only ever turned him down twice and he's turned me down a handful of times. It doesn't stop me from trying again though LOL


#10

Um, yeah. We’ve had many meaningful conversations about it. I’m the guy in this relationship when it comes to libido, I guess. My cross to bear, and I hope and pray that changes.


#11

[quote="teresadeavila, post:10, topic:292853"]
Um, yeah. We've had many meaningful conversations about it. I'm the guy in this relationship when it comes to libido, I guess. My cross to bear, and I hope and pray that changes.

[/quote]

see, I believe that the spouse (who's desires are lower) should appease the other and try to fulfill them even if they don't always feel like it.

Then there are some couples I've spoken to who don't find their spouse sexually attractive anymore. Perhaps they have both gained some extra weight or they have begun wearing more casual clothes.


#12

Sounds like rather than deciding to cheat, it's time for some open and honest communication if these guys are unhappy! There is a point in every marriage where someone is unhappy about this or that -- that is absolutely no reason to cheat. They should be speaking with their spouse about it, trying to work through whatever the problem might be, not just sleeping with someone else as a quick "fix" that will inevitably cause a whole new host of problems!


#13

The use of the phrase ‘get it’ has always bothered me.

What is he giving?


#14

[quote="Delaine75, post:12, topic:292853"]
Sounds like rather than deciding to cheat, it's time for some open and honest communication if these guys are unhappy! There is a point in every marriage where someone is unhappy about this or that -- that is absolutely no reason to cheat. They should be speaking with their spouse about it, trying to work through whatever the problem might be, not just sleeping with someone else as a quick "fix" that will inevitably cause a whole new host of problems!

[/quote]

yeah


#15

If a husband merely convinces his wife to “step up to the plate”, he may get somewhat more sex, but it is not realistic to expect the experience will be more satisfying for anyone. If she realizes she has a duty, it might get her back to the brainstorming session, but it will not solve the problem you’re describing. Pressing the duty aspect in the wrong way will probably make it worse. After all, she might dislike sex because she believes her husband is self-centered in the bedroom, that the exercise is not much other than duty for her. If that is true, “playing the duty card” will only cement that impression.

I think a little deeper expectation examination is in order.
What do you mean by boring? What is missing? Do you think your spouse finds sex interesting? Describe what you think she would find exciting. Compare that with what you are looking for and anticipate how the two might be reconciled.
What do you mean by “lucky”? Does this mean you are hoping to win the lottery, but have not bought any tickets? What experiences have made you hesitate to put more effort into this? If previous efforts have failed, why might that be? Are there other avenues to try?
Have you investigated why your wives desires have dropped off? Is it that your wives have too much on their plates? Too much work? Hobbies that take too much time? Why are the hobbies more satisfying than time spent with you? Is it that their wives not only find sex boring, but don’t find it offers them any satisfaction at all? It could be that the wives need to be coaxed not to have more sex, but to spend more time on the whole relationship of their marriages, on their friendship with their husbands. (It isn’t just men who fail in this area. It goes both ways.)
Does it concern them that their wives don’t have a sex life? Does it concern them that their wives are missing out? Does it concern them that their wives aren’t concerned?

I don’t think this is a purely biological problem–many women actually have a rise in desire as they reach their 40s–but I also don’t think it is a problem with a single cause that is applicable to everyone. Actually, it is probably rare that this comes from just one issue. Rather, I suspect that over the years, little areas of miscommunication and neglect add up. It can be neglect to exercise, it can be neglect to maintain an emotional relationship that makes the physical relationship desirable to a woman, it can be neglect to set aside time for each other, it can be neglect of relaxation time in favor of a million jobs to do, neglect of sleep, neglect in tending to the friendship, neglect of a shared sense of fun in general. As for miscommunication, sometimes I think it is easy to get to middle age and find that you haven’t been in communication with yourself for awhile! We are too prone to letting sleeping dogs lie.

If a person were running a business and he felt the customers were not showing enough interest and that he was getting too little return on his efforts, if the business was to survive he’d have to look into a wide range of possibilities to improve things. He’d look into what was taking away from his bottom line. He’d look into his relationship with his customers, whether they were getting experiences he wasn’t aware of, whether their buying habits had changed, and so on. He’d look into what successful concerns were doing differently than he did.

There are problems with that analogy, because of course a married couple is in the same enterprise! The point I am trying to make is that a good sex life is not a goal that can be reached by complaining. You have to look into getting both of you motivated, and motivated in the same direction. You have to figure out how to rekindle enthusiasm, because very few people turn out an interesting result if they don’t have enthusiasm for the endeavor. So while neglect of duty might be the problem, I doubt it is often the solution.

This could be a tricky business. For instance, what if a husband looks at his marriage and realizes that his wife is likely to be uninterested in sex because she is physically in bad shape: little exercise, too much stress, bad nutrition, too little sleep? Of course you’re going to have infrequent boring sex if simply moving is a chore, but that is a hard issue for him to address without offending her. He’d need to entice her to make some of the changes in a way that enhances their friendship, instead of damaging it.

IOW, I think it is a problem that has many different answers, and some of them far from easy. It is a problem worth addressing, though, because I think in most cases it takes an overall improvement in one’s quality of life to rekindle an interest in sex that has essentially died. Very much worth it, though.


#16

[quote="Delaine75, post:12, topic:292853"]
Sounds like rather than deciding to cheat, it's time for some open and honest communication if these guys are unhappy! There is a point in every marriage where someone is unhappy about this or that -- that is absolutely no reason to cheat. They should be speaking with their spouse about it, trying to work through whatever the problem might be, not just sleeping with someone else as a quick "fix" that will inevitably cause a whole new host of problems!

[/quote]

I think I would raise the question in general terms: I wish we had sex more often, and that it was more like when we were first married--no, no, just let me finish!--I suspect, though, that there are lots of things in our marriage that need to be better before that is going to happen, because if people could get a better sex life just by saying "I want a better sex life", then more people would have one, and let's face it, a lot of people our age don't. Besides, there have to be things about our marriage that you'd like to improve, too. What do you think? Do we need to have a talk? Do we need to get away for awhile? How are things going for you? Talk to me. We have a lot of marriage left, and I want it to be very good.

Then talk....and hang on to your hat, sir!

It is just like problems with a house that gets to be 20 years old or so. When you see something out of kilter, you have to be ready for the prospect that the foundation might need some work! :D


#17

EasterJoy,

Many women report a drop in libido when they have kids under age 5 or 6. Perhaps husband needs to be more patient if kids are younger.


#18

[quote="Serap, post:17, topic:292853"]
EasterJoy,

Many women report a drop in libido when they have kids under age 5 or 6. Perhaps husband needs to be more patient if kids are younger.

[/quote]

Well, but patient can be another way of saying "something has to give, and it's going to be our sex life." Instead, maybe they can find a way that the sex life can have its time, too, like a habit of the husband taking the kids to the park for a few hours and bringing home dinner (or making it with the kids himself), having a regular date night, and occasionally even a weekend away. (Tackling some jobs together is a good practice for the friendship, too, even though it is not always the most efficient, rather than using the "divide and conquer" strategy for everything.) Both spouses need to have some energy left, but also a friendship and a desire to enjoy each other's company in private.

Part of the problem is that many families are two-salary families, but work schedules are set up as if workers come from one-salary two-adult families. There is a lot of work to be done on that "second shift" when you come home, plus the kids need personal attention, too. If the family is run on autopilot, the sex life can get short shrift, because one or both parents will be too exhausted to be available, let alone to have the good spirits and imagination left to have fun. I mean to say that a suffering sex life is sometimes a sign of distance creeping into the fundamental friendship of the marriage, too. That is something the parents need to work together to keep from happening.


#19

[quote="Serap, post:7, topic:292853"]
No...no article. Just men I've spoken to.

I hope my hubby doesn't feel this way!!

the 40% I did get from an article...would need to look for it. It said that 20% of married women cheat. These stats are constant across all cultures in their research.

Yeah, it does seem high.

[/quote]

Maybe it said that 20% of woman have cheated on someone at some point? That's a little more believable than 20% of women are currently cheating on their spouse.


#20

I may be jaded, given the reasons my marriage ended and my time on an infidelity support forum, but I’ve heard much higher figures and have no trouble believing them. But then again, it depends what you call cheating…emotional affairs, holding hands, kissing, internet affairs?

I think there are many reasons for the rampant infidelity, and they vary from person to person. I think the rise and easy access of porn contributes. Some men are unhappy with their sex lives, although their wives are practically begging. It’s because they would rather sit in front of a computer with fantasy women, whom of course, they can never really have, than make the effort to engage with a real woman. That means actually standing up and putting out some effort.

It is, in part, because they sometimes choose to watch things that cultivate desires (and yes, I do believe we cultivate them, nurture certain ones over others) that their wives can never fulfill or be.

I think a lot of cheating is born of simply weak character, wanting more; of brokenness–of wanting the adulation and adoration of someone new to bolster their self-esteem, or to get that rush.

I really think a lot of times cheating isn’t about the sex at all.


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