Many Prayers Needed for My Marriage


#1

My wife and I got married last month. This November will be 8 years that we've been together. A couple weeks after the wedding she comes to me saying she doesn't know if we will last. She doesn't know if she can stay with me, but she loves me. She says she can't forget the past. So, let me tell you what that past is.

I smoked a lot of pot all through high school and quit right after graduation. Emily and I first met when I was a sophomore. She's was a freshmen. We became very close friends very fast. I ended up having to go an extra year of high school. So, our senior year we started dating. During that time I smoked meth quite a few times. I never really got addicted; I just always did it when it was around. We pushed through that and I haven't touched that poison in nearly 8 years.

I had not so great of an upbringing. My stepfather physically abused me and my mother mentally abused me. I've battled depression and anxiety and anger for as long as I can remember, and I'm 26. I've had migraines since I was 11 because of a massive head injury. All I ever saw growing up was fighting between parents and my real father getting drunk all the time and fighting with either his wife or his friends. All I've ever known is pain and rejection in my life. Every girl before Emily has treated me like dirt and cheated on me.

Now that Emily and I are married, I have health insurance again and I have found a very awesome primary doctor. She's helping me a lot with some health issues I'm having such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and my anxiety. I have an upcoming appointment with a psychiatrist next month. My doctor thinks that I am bipolar and that I really need some help. So, I'm hoping the psychiatrist I'm going to see can help straighten that out. All of my mental problems have put a huge strain on Emily the entire time we've been together. Growing up I never talked about my problems. I always kept everything inside. This is one of the things she can't forget. She says I have shut her out and pushed her away for the passed 8 years.

In recent weeks since all this first came out, I have been trying as hard as possible to change every single aspect of my life. I'm eating better, I'm active, I try to control my moods and my anger better, I have a prescription for Valiums now to keep me more mellow and not flying off the handle at every little thing, I've been trying my best to show her affection constantly, and I've been working hard at my relationship with God. In fact, I have an interview today at my local Catholic church for RCIA.

Still she can't get passed my previous behavior. Still there's tension and coldness. She can't even be intimate with me, because she just can't stand the thought of it. I've prayed and prayed and prayed and done all of the above to prove to her that things aren't ever going to be like they were. I'm still at a loss. I still feel like the marriage is in danger and I can't bear to lose her. She's the love of my life. I've only ever slept with one other person before her and I was her first. I can't imagine life without her. Please pray for us and if you have any advice I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.


#2

You are a very courageous young man with a terrific load. Writing your story as you did just tells me that you will be ok because you are certainly trying hard. I’m glad you are getting help. We all need others to help us throughout our lives for whatever reason. The Lord will carry you through this. Sometimes he doesn’t have the same plan as we do but with prayer and time, you will get through this. I will definitely keep you in prayer and I’m sure many others will as well. God Bless You.


#3

I am wondering why your wife was fine until a couple weeks after the wedding. It seems like that may have triggered anxiety on her part that she is projecting onto you. Certainly you had all these issues before you got married & now you are improving your situation and she’s acting like this? I would suggest couples counseling and a 2nd psychiatric opinion if your doctor diagnoses a bipolar disorder. I have heard from several friends that it was over-diagnosed/misdiagnosed with their family members.

Congratulations on your willingness to make your life the best it can be - you had the deck stacked against you and you are doing the right things to overcome it. I will pray for you.


#4

You have "been together" for 93 months, but after only 1 month of marriage there are serious issues? There has to be more to the story (not to take anything away from your background and overall positive direction).

I noticed that you mentioned RCIA yet you are listed as Catholic in your profile. I don't see a problem with you considering yourself Catholic even if you haven't been confirmed yet (I know I did when I was in RCIA), but could you explain.

Also, is your wife Catholic? Were you married in a Catholic Church? Did you have pre-marriage counseling?


#5

I don’t know why she didn’t come out with all this and let us get it fixed before the wedding. I still can’t get a straight answer on that. Our Baptist pastor did give us premarital counselling, and I took every word to heart and I’m still trying to practice and meditate daily on what he told us and me directly as my role as husband.

I have asked Emily if she would be open to going back to that pastor or to someone else and getting more counselling together and she is not open to that idea at all. She is still Baptist but never goes to church. I have asked a couple times that she attend Mass with me, after I explained that I wanted to convert. For several weeks she would keep ducking me on it and I finally had to go to my first Mass alone. She says she’s undecided on the “Catholic thing” and she’s not ready to give it any kind of chance right now. So, I am going through with my RCIA and all this basically on my own. I don’t want to force anything on her. I told her if she didn’t feel like the Catholic church was where she needed to be, then she needed to have her rear in a First Baptist pew every Sunday at least. I have been charged by God in scripture to be the spiritual leader as the husband, God help me; I’m trying so hard.

I never got anything out of the Baptist denomination. I tried to do all the things they said, and have yet to have that personal life changing experience with Christ. I don’t even know if you would say I have a spiritual life. All I know is that I believe in every single word in the Bible, I believe in the death and the resurrection of Jesus Christ, I believe in baptism (which I have been baptized), and I believe that God is the one true God, and I believe in the Holy Trinity. I believe all this stuff, but it’s like my heart is empty and I’ve cried out to God so many times. This is all why I’m going to the Catholic church. I need serious spiritual help.

As far as Emily and our marriage, I’ve put it in God’s hands. I just wish I could feel better about it and I wish there wasn’t the uncertainty there from one day to the next about how that day is going to go. I don’t know if we’re going to be like room mates or if we’re going to be affectionate. This is such a hard time for me.

Thank you all for your responses and prayers. Please keep me in prayer and peace be unto you all.


#6

[quote="FoximusPrime, post:5, topic:210272"]

I never got anything out of the Baptist denomination. I tried to do all the things they said, and have yet to have that personal life changing experience with Christ. I don't even know if you would say I have a spiritual life. All I know is that I believe in every single word in the Bible, I believe in the death and the resurrection of Jesus Christ, I believe in baptism (which I have been baptized), and I believe that God is the one true God, and I believe in the Holy Trinity. I believe all this stuff, but it's like my heart is empty and I've cried out to God so many times. This is all why I'm going to the Catholic church. I need serious spiritual help.

As far as Emily and our marriage, I've put it in God's hands. I just wish I could feel better about it and I wish there wasn't the uncertainty there from one day to the next about how that day is going to go. I don't know if we're going to be like room mates or if we're going to be affectionate. This is such a hard time for me.

Thank you all for your responses and prayers. Please keep me in prayer and peace be unto you all.

[/quote]

God bless you Foximus. I know it must be very, very difficult right now but concentrate on getting well and working on your marriage. Also, during this time of RCIA, try to pray some prayers, especially the Rosary. Our Lady will help you. God bless you on your journey to the Church. I am a convert too. I grew up in baptist churches. IF you have any questions, don't hesitate to send me a private message about them. I'm willing to help.


#7

Wow, you are really going through a lot. Strangely enough your situation isn't unique. There's a syndrome where a healthy person marries an unhealthy person. But when the unhealthy person changes and tries to be healthy their spouse leaves. You are no longer the person she thought you were. Her excuse is to blame your past which she was fully aware of before you were married. I hope things work out.


#8

You will have to excuse me for saying this- but it may be the conversion that is an issue - but she may be picking at the past stuff as it is easier for her to voice. May I suggest you attend service with her since you did start out your marriage with her as a Baptist and that is what is fair to your marriage and attend your Catholic service at another time of day. It is not fair to expect her to go to Church by herself when she attended her premarital counseling with a man that she thought was another Baptist. While your conversion is good - you cannot force conversion on someone and you should not make your conversion her burden - she will not only resent your conversion - she will come to resent Christ’s Church and you.


#9

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