Marital Chastity


#1

I attended a little class recently on marital chastity.

One of the major points involved: maintaining custody…

custody of the eyes (obvious)
custody of the memory (somewhat obvious)
custody of the imagination (obvious), and
custody of the heart (less obvious).

If you are married and have occasion to be in daily / regular contact with a member of the opposite sex…say at work, in a carpool, etc…you need to be on guard to not disclose certain aspects of your life to this person. If you start to disclose your deep hopes, aspirations, longings, worries, etc…then you are giving someone else “the keys to your heart”…and this can be very dangerous to your chastity. So, even if it means changing carpools, it’s so important to let your wife / husband be the only one with the keys to your heart.

I found this to be a good point…not sure if there’s enough of “this” in this topic to make it a forum topic.


#2

Sounds logical to me!! There are certain things that should be kept between a husband and his wife and that is what makes the marriage a covenant between two and not the world… teachccd


#3

Thank you for sharing. I found this helpful and I am sure others will too!


#4

[quote="Edward_H, post:1, topic:248351"]
I attended a little class recently on marital chastity.

One of the major points involved: maintaining custody...

custody of the eyes (obvious)
custody of the memory (somewhat obvious)
custody of the imagination (obvious), and
custody of the heart (less obvious).

If you are married and have occasion to be in daily / regular contact with a member of the opposite sex..say at work, in a carpool, etc...you need to be on guard to not disclose certain aspects of your life to this person. If you start to disclose your deep hopes, aspirations, longings, worries, etc....then you are giving someone else "the keys to your heart"...and this can be very dangerous to your chastity. So, even if it means changing carpools, it's so important to let your wife / husband be the only one with the keys to your heart.

  • + + + +

Excellent & eloquent as always, Edward H. I have a philosophical question for you & the other posters out there. Given the need for married couples to "guard the keys" to their hearts, do you think it's possible for men & women to have true, dis-interested spiritual friendship? This applies to those called to the priesthood or Religious life, as well. Thoughts??

[/quote]


#5

No. It's extremely un-PC, but I don't believe it is a prudent think for married people to have deep, ongoing friendships with members of the opposite sex. Acquaintences, yes, of course. But not deep one on one relationships that involve personal information, emotions, etc.

Inevitably, people will respond to the above with horror, amusement and mockery and point to their own success. My response is that there are a few people in the world who can juggle running chainsaws. That doesn't mean its a good idea to go out there, fire a few up and see if you are one of them!


#6

[quote="manualman, post:5, topic:248351"]
No. It's extremely un-PC, but I don't believe it is a prudent think for married people to have deep, ongoing friendships with members of the opposite sex. Acquaintences, yes, of course. But not deep one on one relationships that involve personal information, emotions, etc.

Inevitably, people will respond to the above with horror, amusement and mockery and point to their own success. My response is that there are a few people in the world who can juggle running chainsaws. That doesn't mean its a good idea to go out there, fire a few up and see if you are one of them!

[/quote]

Excellent reply, I for one am not responding with anything but agreement. :thumbsup:


#7

Good thread. Every time I have formed a friendship with a man rather than just being colleagues or acquantainces it has become ‘complicated’ - either on their part, or I have started to think things that I should not. Best avoided imo.


#8

[quote="Edward_H, post:1, topic:248351"]
I attended a little class recently on marital chastity.

One of the major points involved: maintaining custody...

custody of the eyes (obvious)
custody of the memory (somewhat obvious)
custody of the imagination (obvious), and
custody of the heart (less obvious).

[/quote]

All of these are called having boundaries. And I think they involve everyone you're not married to, not just people of the opposite sex.


#9

While I mostly agree with you, I think it can be hard to not have friends of the opposite sex.

I do think there needs to be boundaries, but I would be lost without my male friends. If you have a great or even okay marriage then you don't need love and support outside the marriage. But sometimes, a marriage can be a lonely, sad place and until death is a awfully long time.


#10

How does this apply to mutual friends of the couple?

I mean my wife and I have learned to be friends with each others friends. Her best friends from college are three girls, and I befriended them on an aquaintance level. Occasionally I will receive an email (so does my wife) from one of them inviting my wife and I to an event or something. Also, my best friend (male) is on a similar level with my wife.


#11

That should never be the case and very saddened if it is for some but then all that is doing is substituting the intimacy and emotionalism involved in marriage to person’s outside of it. I do agree there definitely should be a border line, those that get very deep with the opposite sex are generally more likely to have affair’s than those who do not, letting yourself get so deep and emotionally entangled with someone outside of marriage is something that each person should question, they should rigorously ask why they are doing it and not lie to themselves


#12

If these relationships are on a level where the interaction takes place with all 4 people, there is no problem. No violations of marital intimacy are taking place with the spouse right there (unless you have some seriously messed up kinky habits…). The problems arise when a man and woman have one to one intimacy (and I’m not just talking physical). My wife and I have one physical mailbox and also have one e-mail box. I also don’t think it’s prudent to keep e-mail private from one another.


#13

I can't speak for the OP, but I don't think what you're decribing has anything to do with marital chastity. From my understanding, violating marital chastity means creating a unique relationship with another person that functions in a way that should be reserved for your spouse. Going to the theater, the cinema, or other social function doesn't, in my opinion, violate marital chastity; confiding your hopes and dreams for retirement, dreams your spouse has no idea about, does.

[quote="Jay417, post:10, topic:248351"]
How does this apply to mutual friends of the couple?

I mean my wife and I have learned to be friends with each others friends. Her best friends from college are three girls, and I befriended them on an aquaintance level. Occasionally I will receive an email (so does my wife) from one of them inviting my wife and I to an event or something. Also, my best friend (male) is on a similar level with my wife.

[/quote]


#14

[quote="Paddy1989, post:11, topic:248351"]
That should never be the case and very saddened if it is for some but then all that is doing is substituting the intimacy and emotionalism involved in marriage to person's outside of it. I do agree there definitely should be a border line, those that get very deep with the opposite sex are generally more likely to have affair's than those who do not, letting yourself get so deep and emotionally entangled with someone outside of marriage is something that each person should question, they should rigorously ask why they are doing it and not lie to themselves

[/quote]

It should never be the case but sometimes it is. Sometimes divorce is not an option. You just need a friend that will listen to you. Sometimes a spouse is not interested in hearing your dreams, feelings and troubles. I do have a close friend that I discuss my fears, my children, my worries and my marriage. I would be lost without him. I truly believe God put him in my life to help me through a difficult time. Would it have been better for me to have a female friend? Yes - but maybe God realized that I don't open up to females.

I do agree with the OP that male and female friendships are not a good idea. I have learned that the hard way. But I do think there are some exceptions.


#15

lol no, no kinky habits at all. I agree about the email issues as well. My wife and I share everything. We know each other’s passwords, allow full access to phones etc…I don’t get married couples with a hands off approach to things like that. I personally know two couples that would be furious if their partner read their texts or emails


#16

If you mean reading texts and emails without permission, make that three couples. Getting married didn’t mean I signed away my right to privacy, nor did it automatically wash away all personal boundaries and expectations for courtesy and respect for both me and my husband.

Now, my husband has all of my passwords and I have his. We know where each of us keep our electronic devices. But they’re to be accessed without express permission in an emergency situation only. If it’s not an emergency, we ask. It’s only polite and respectful.

Ooohhhhh, if I ever found out my husband was checking my phone or rooting through my emails behind my back. Oooohhhhh… I don’t even want to think about how angry, how very betrayed, I’d feel. :mad:


#17

[quote="Paddy1989, post:11, topic:248351"]
That should never be the case and very saddened if it is for some but then all that is doing is substituting the intimacy and emotionalism involved in marriage to person's outside of it. I do agree there definitely should be a border line, those that get very deep with the opposite sex are generally more likely to have affair's than those who do not, letting yourself get so deep and emotionally entangled with someone outside of marriage is something that each person should question, they should rigorously ask why they are doing it and not lie to themselves

[/quote]

Excellent post.

It is better to find a friend of the same sex to confide in under these circumstances.


#18

No, I meant it as in knowing that it is okay to read each others texts and email, not doing it in a sneaky way. I don’t think I’ve ever actually read through my wife’s email or texts, but I know it’s something I could do. The same goes for her.

Personally, I wouldn’t mind if my wife read my stuff without asking, but I can understand why some people would take offense. For example, I don’t like her using my netbook without asking. Nothing hidden, but I use it for work and school, so I am afraid she might lose one of my documents or something. In her case, she doesn’t like me reading her physical mail without at least showing it to her first.


#19

[quote="Jay417, post:10, topic:248351"]
How does this apply to mutual friends of the couple?

I mean my wife and I have learned to be friends with each others friends. Her best friends from college are three girls, and I befriended them on an aquaintance level. Occasionally I will receive an email (so does my wife) from one of them inviting my wife and I to an event or something. Also, my best friend (male) is on a similar level with my wife.

[/quote]

Oh you can and should have friends....but some 'custody' needs to be retained. When we have mutual friends over (now, many of our and their kids come over infiltrating every nook of our house) the husband of the couple and I might turn to the barbecue...or we might go over a project one of us is working on, etc. etc. When kids aren't present at dinner conversation will naturally drift into details of our life, but any personal or intimate issues are avoided, or only briefly mentioned in mature jest, and we move on.


#20

:thumbsup:


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