[quote="FramerJoe, post:1, topic:218458"]
My wife and I have been married for five years. We met in college, and she always dreamed of being a stay at home mom.
Fast-forward to our fourth year of marriage.
We had tried getting pregnant since we got married. Doctors say it is "unexplained infertility". Rather than spending thousands on drugs, we decided to adopt. (But that's beside the point.)
*Somewhere between wedding day and today, it seems the disappointment of infertility has caused my wife to abandon her dream of being a stay at home mom and instead invest her energy into her job of teaching religion at a Catholic school.
Now that we have adopted, she doesn't want to stay home. She's perfectly fine sending our baby to day care and private school, and has no interest in homeschooling. She loves her job, but it is at the expense of what I believe to be the well-being of our baby.
I feel like I've gotten the "bait and switch".
Aside from the stay at home issues, my wife absolutely always has to have her way. She always wants to go have fun at the expense of duties at home. She doesn't apologize when I feel she has wronged me. She pouts when she doesn't get her way. I talked to my mother in law who gave my wife a copy of "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", and my wife took offense. The other day she acknowledged she doesn't think she's an obedient wife, then justified it.
A few months ago I was diagnosed with a moderate non-life threatening sickness, but before I was diagnosed, I had several spells of nausea, severe fatigue, etc., and my wife just complained to my face about how I was useless when I was sick, and that I needed to tough it out. No compassion.
What do I do? I feel like the love is gone from our marriage. Please help me.
I think you have minimized the monumental changes that have happened for you both. Her dream of having her own child and being home with the baby has died. Perhaps she would have wanted to spend the money, and didn't express this wish to you. Maybe it wasn't practical but she could have felt you didn't care enough to try everything.
If it was a lifelong dream of hers to be home with her children, and then that dream was shattered, she had to rebuild her inner landscape, so to speak. She may have walled off parts of herself that were too painful and sore to deal with, so she could go on with her life and adjust to the idea of adoption. Some people have a very hard time with the idea of adoption. I know, for example, that my husband and his family do not accept the idea of it, although they would probably adjust to it and be welcoming to the child (at least I hope they would).
Does your wife work in a male-dominated field? It almost sounds as though she is around the male attitude a lot and has taken on certain characteristics of it. Of course being at work is much more satisfying than being at home with children, in worldly ways! You get a paycheck, you get positive feedback instead of backtalk, you get to do grownup things that increase your self-esteem.
I would definitely suggest marriage counseling because you started out with one dream of what your life was going to look like and here you are in a completely different reality. She may never become interested in staying at home with your children, but at least she can process her disappointment, anger, and sadness at the loss of her dream(s). You both need to acknowledge your grief and cling to each other to heal.