Marital Turmoil


#1

In October I will be married 6 years and I have to say it has been the roughest 6 years of my life. My husband is physically, mentally and emotionally ill. Over the last 10 years he has turned from being a kind, gentle, loving man, to being angry, depressed, and unstable. For the last 3 years he and I have both tried to seek help for him for all of his ailments but its been a rollercoaster and ultimately the only help we could get was some insulin, antidepressants, and a pat on the head. I’ve taken him to the hospital and he would explain his rage, depression, and how he was bouncing from being ok to being in a rage in a matter of moments. That he was considering suicide and violence and that when in that state of mind he couldnt control it, it was overwelming. In the last 6 years hes repeatedly moved in and out of my life but about 2 years ago we’d decided to give living together another try and I moved out of our home state to make that happen. A year ago, after a rocky patch he asked me for a divorce then became threatening. I’d had the police remove him but by Christmas he was on another plateau and I worried about him so I let him move back. Again he started stable, working at a pizza place while I went to job training and found a job in sales. Just before I started working he quit his job. Physically he began to let go, stopped bathing, his diabetes was making him so ill he couldnt get out of bed most days but moreso his rages became more severe. 2 weeks ago my 5 year old had to call the police when my husband attacked me with a pole, then a knife while in his fog. The police arrested him and instead of getting him help they put him in jail. The judge put a no contact order so I have not spoken to him since the police took him away. Saturday his family bailed him out. And I am broken hearted. I dont hate him for what he has done, I know he is sick and that he needs help. But in the same token I want a normal marriage. I want my kids to see a normal home life and not have to call 911. I want my husband to finally get better. I don’t know what to do anymore. I dont even know where to begin for getting me and the kids stable in any way. I can’t seem to eat or sleep and I am mostly praying, crying and taking care of my children. I don’t know whats the right thing to do.


#2

Welcome to CAF and we are indeed sorry for your heavy cross that you carry regarding your marriage and family life.

When our loved ones are both mentally and physically sick they seem to lose control and have a sense of inner pain that just seems to radiate out to the whole family and friends.

Continue your prayers. Continue whatever counseling resources are available to you and your family, via Catholic Community Services or any other. Surround yourself with family and friends who understand the situation and love both of you and will help.

This does mean also you have a first and foremost obligation to protect yourself and your children from bodily harm and verbal abuse. Seek counseling immediately and tell his doctors about his mental state and mood swings and your concern for his and your family’s physical safety. Have a plan and/or a code word for family and friends to help at a moments notice to provide shelter or other help.

Be safe. Be faithful. Talk to your priest for guidance. Seek counseling. The path is not easy and you may feel abandoned, but as a child of God you are loved and so is your husband and kids. I hope this gives you the strength you need to get through these difficult times. God Bless you and your family.

You may want to put a request on our prayer intentions thread also - there are many prayer warriors who care for you and yours.


#3

I fully support the Church’s teaching on marriage and divorce. With that in mind, I suggest that you no longer allow him around your children. At least not until he has been able to demonstrate consistent and stable behavior over the course of a very long time, yes, even years. It is a terrible thing and I am sure you care for him, but you must also care for your children.

Yes, it is terrible when our loved ones are racked and wrecked by mental and physical diseases. But we must protect ourselves and our children.

My prayers are with you.


#4

I agree with the others. I am a woman who has bipolar disorder. I’ve not been able to hold down a job in years. I don’t know how I managed to raise my two kids without them hating me. I went trhough multiple marriages and got my family into financial trouble more than once during manic episodes. My current husband and I have been together for 10 years now and I know how rough he’s had it with me. I’m not manic all that often but I am frequently depressed and suicidal. When I’m depressed I don’t eat right and I am also diabetic. Sometimes I’ll spend weeks in bed with the tv on.
Keep praying for your husband but above all keep yourself and children safe. Try to find your husband the mental health care he desperately needs.
My prayers are with you.


#5

Wow, I was not aware that untreated diabetes had that much effect. The only person I know like that personally had a closed head injury in his past, so that would have been the first guess from my own experience. There is so little known about chemical problems like that among us non-medical folks.

The only thing I think of is figure out what actions you can take to keep your children safe. The children are resilient and should be able to live with whatever decision you make.


#6

Diabetes patience are at greater risk of suffering from severe depression both from the strain of having diabetes and from the the chemical changes the body undergoes. Hes been mostly un treated for the past 10 years. His most recent A1C was an 11 which means his blood sugar averages about 250-350. He has severe gastroparesis that is looking like it will require a pace maker like device on his stomach for it to even function properly. He has diabetic ulcers on his hand and on a foot, one hes had for a year and a half that has permanently disfigured a finger. He has severe neuropathy in his feet to the point where he broke a toe severeal months back and didnt know it until we’d gone to the hospital. Hes been suffering from nose bleeds and fatigue which has the drs concerned about his blood pressure. He has what a therapist said was and anxiety disorder but that was 6 years ago and I am going to assume that since the antidepressents do subdue the depression and suicide aspects of his personality but not the rage, violence, instability and the disassociation that he suffers from another disorder that has yet to be treated. I’ve actually suspected there was something more for the last 3-4 years and have tried repeatedly to get him help. Hospitals and doctors have yet to help him and I was actually told by crisis helpline that if i asmit him or if he admitted himself that there was nothing the hospital would do for him that the police would have to admit him while in a rage before they could do anything for him. Unfortunately when it came down to it he was taken to central booking, then prison and still hasnt seen anyone for his mental health issues. I’m not trying to find an out for my marriage, I’m trying to preserve it. I’ve watched a man wither away in 10 years. He is only 26 years old.


#7

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