Marraige...but I dislike children

Well the main reason I don’t want to get married is because I don’t like children very much. I know it is a terrible thing to say, but I just don’t work well with them. I don’t want to have children and then be a bad mother or anything.

I’m also worried I woudn’t be able to help develop their spiritual life properly b/c I see soo many teens/children not caring about religion at all.

Obviously I can’t get married without considering children. Maybe I will change my mind as I grow, so I’m going to leave it open. Any words of wisdom? (I know you guys will have plenty!) :stuck_out_tongue:

God Bless

Well at least you won't rush headlong into marriage.
No parent or child is perfect, and that's okay! It's human.
When you meet the right man you will probably feel differently.
I remember saying to my mother, "Mum, I'm never going to get married and I'm never going to have children". As second eldest of several children this was my determination.

I did get married and have the most wonderful children, now grown with children of their own.
I was and am a good mother. If not perfect, my kids don't care!
I, like most I suppose, think I wish I'd done this or that differently.
I've even said sorry to one or other because in retrospect I wish I'd handled this or that differently. "Oh Mum!" was always the response, said affectionately. I don't say it any more. And I'm awfully thankful for my children. Of course there have been hard times, but what they care about is their unshakeable knowledge that their Dad and I love them. And they love us so much that the only reason I'd dread the day I die is that they'll be so upset about it.

Don't worry too much that you "dislike kids". Your own are a different matter, and maturity helps.
I pray that God will guide you to your best vocation, and if for the best, the kindest, wisest, most faithful man, and will give you the children God knows you are best suited to handling.

I hope you don't mind I looked at your profile; it says you are a high school student! Lol, I guarantee you almost 80% of all high school students have problems with kids.:p

Feelings will change--it's a common misconception believed by young adults that marriage is all mushy gushy lovey stuff. Actually, marriage is hard work. Believe me, by the time you get to the marrying age, you will be ready to take on both the responsibility of marriage and parenthood.

That is, unless God has other plans for your life.;)
+Peace

[quote="Flame4, post:1, topic:200232"]
Well the main reason I don't want to get married is because I don't like children very much. I know it is a terrible thing to say, but I just don't work well with them. I don't want to have children and then be a bad mother or anything.

I'm also worried I woudn't be able to help develop their spiritual life properly b/c I see soo many teens/children not caring about religion at all.

Obviously I can't get married without considering children. Maybe I will change my mind as I grow, so I'm going to leave it open. Any words of wisdom? (I know you guys will have plenty!) :p

God Bless

[/quote]

I was in the same boat...got married...and used contraceptives. Was a protestant back then so didn't understand how wrong they are. I prayed for years that God would put the desire for children into my heart. I still don't have it....but now it's too late. I pray that God will lead you and guide you in His time for His will.

As for spiritual life...I was brought up Catholic--left at 7 when my parents left...but am back and more in love with my faith then I probably would have been if I had just stayed. Since I was never confirmed...I get the joy of learning my faith all over again:yup: God always has a plan...:D

[quote="lil_flower_luv, post:3, topic:200232"]
I hope you don't mind I looked at your profile; it says you are a high school student! Lol, I guarantee you almost 80% of all high school students have problems with kids.:p

Feelings will change--it's a common misconception believed by young adults that marriage is all mushy gushy lovey stuff. Actually, marriage is hard work. Believe me, by the time you get to the marrying age, you will be ready to take on both the responsibility of marriage and parenthood.

That is, unless God has other plans for your life.;)
+Peace

[/quote]

No, thats no problem:). Actually most of my friends want to have children, part of the reasn I was worried. Actually, I realize how hard marraige can be, which is why I am worried about it, including parenthood. However, I realize I am a high school student, and I will change my mind:). I'm just worried that I won't be a good mother/wife, if that is the vocation God has choosen for me.

We all just do the best we know how. And do some research.
That you're concerned about being a good mother is a good indication that you'll try to be one, which is what we mothers do.
God bless you now and always

I am in a very similar position- I'm in my teens, and all my friends adore children, want families... apart from me. I've never liked children, I can't help it but they drive me nuts! Even the laughing todlers on adverts annoy me. I'm a very impatient and easily annoyed person (working hard to change) and I can't put up with children of any age for long. I try to find delight in their behaviour but I can't seem to... Even when I was young, I never wanted dolls or anything. All I want to do with my life is be a politician and travel- I don't know what I'll do if I meet someone special. Everyone says I'll change as I get older but my auntie is exactly the same, she's 48 and has no children, and I've never had some romantic dream of walking down the aisle, settling down and having a few kids... I guess I just don't have a maternal instinct:confused:

I hope to become a religious priest, so marriage is obviously not an option for me. However, prior to realizing my calling, I really wanted to marry sometime in the future. I was not enthralled wih children, either, but I really wanted to have some(I still do, but I do not want to sin against God by having a mistress in the near-future; too bad that we all have biological “needs,” but that may explains my desire for posterity). I would probably be a stern father but would love them nonetheless. I even thought about creative names for potential sons and daughters.

I had precisely this dilemma until about six months ago. (Thank goodness for good spiritual directors!)

Part of the reason I so very much didn't want children was that I viewed them as a burden, as one more "thing to do", as a restriction on my being able to do what I wanted when I wanted, etc.

Another part was that I just am not that crazy about most kids. Don't get me wrong: I'm 100% pro-life, and I hold firmly the Church's stance on contraception in marriage. I don't, however, see a kid and think "ooooh, I want one of those," y'know what I mean? (Some girlfriends of mine are utterly baby- and kid-crazy, and that's fine...I've just not felt that way.)

It took a bit of very solid spiritual direction for me to recognize that the first point was due in no small part to the fact that I grew up in a very abusive and neglectful household, and pretty much was a mother to my younger siblings. Sure, I cared about them as siblings, but I couldn't love them as or be a mother for them, and I certainly resented the fact that I had to take care of them as much as I did.

As for the second point, I realized that while kids in general are not something I'm terribly thrilled over, I am capable of love. I am still learning how to love, but I am learning. (Reading about the saints and good people and spending time in Adoration is helping me immensely on this front.) When my best friend had her first child a year ago, you'd have been hard-pressed to find someone as smitten with him as Auntie UbiCaritas, and when he crawled to me yesterday, grabbed my leg and GRINNED at me...well, let's just say that this girl about melted right there. :D I still don't think I'm quite ready to have my own children, mind you, but I also know that if I'm supposed to have them God will teach me to love them as He loves me, if, of course, nowhere to the degree that He does! (Oh, and hormones help, too. For once, they're on our side, lol!) ETA: He wouldn't want any kids (yours or mine, they're His more than ours) to have unloving parents, and if those parents ask for help, He'll give it.

I never married, never even had a boyfriend. Didn't want to be a 'brood mare', and didn't have a maternal instinct, either. And I was terrified of pregnancy and the agony of childbirth, anyway.

And then, if I did have kids, I would be anxious about their spiritual well-being, especially in the type of world we have nowadays.

So I'm single and live alone....that's the way it is for me.

[quote="UbiCaritas, post:9, topic:200232"]
I had precisely this dilemma until about six months ago. (Thank goodness for good spiritual directors!)

Part of the reason I so very much didn't want children was that I viewed them as a burden, as one more "thing to do", as a restriction on my being able to do what I wanted when I wanted, etc.

Another part was that I just am not that crazy about most kids. Don't get me wrong: I'm 100% pro-life, and I hold firmly the Church's stance on contraception in marriage. I don't, however, see a kid and think "ooooh, I want one of those," y'know what I mean? (Some girlfriends of mine are utterly baby- and kid-crazy, and that's fine...I've just not felt that way.)

It took a bit of very solid spiritual direction for me to recognize that the first point was due in no small part to the fact that I grew up in a very abusive and neglectful household, and pretty much was a mother to my younger siblings. Sure, I cared about them as siblings, but I couldn't love them as or be a mother for them, and I certainly resented the fact that I had to take care of them as much as I did.

As for the second point, I realized that while kids in general are not something I'm terribly thrilled over, I am capable of love. I am still learning how to love, but I am learning. (Reading about the saints and good people and spending time in Adoration is helping me immensely on this front.) When my best friend had her first child a year ago, you'd have been hard-pressed to find someone as smitten with him as Auntie UbiCaritas, and when he crawled to me yesterday, grabbed my leg and GRINNED at me...well, let's just say that this girl about melted right there. :D I still don't think I'm quite ready to have my own children, mind you, but I also know that if I'm supposed to have them God will teach me to love them as He loves me, if, of course, nowhere to the degree that He does! (Oh, and hormones help, too. For once, they're on our side, lol!) ETA: He wouldn't want any kids (yours or mine, they're His more than ours) to have unloving parents, and if those parents ask for help, He'll give it.

[/quote]

Yes, feel very much like you. Thanks everyone for your response! Please pray for me and God Bless.

[quote="Flame4, post:1, topic:200232"]
Well the main reason I don't want to get married is because I don't like children very much. I know it is a terrible thing to say, but I just don't work well with them. I don't want to have children and then be a bad mother or anything.

[/quote]

I understand your concern. I was the same way when I was your age. However, later on, I desired to get married and eventually did almost two years ago. I want children but I am scared of getting pregnant.

I'm also worried I woudn't be able to help develop their spiritual life properly b/c I see soo many teens/children not caring about religion at all.

I think that most parents feel the same way. It is scary.

Obviously I can't get married without considering children. Maybe I will change my mind as I grow, so I'm going to leave it open. Any words of wisdom? (I know you guys will have plenty!) :p

God Bless

Don't worry about it too much now. Your still young and our attitudes, etc do change over time :). God bless you

You know I grew up in a verbally/emotionally-abusive home plus I was that "kid that everyone picked on". I didn't have any friends until I got to college.

Some of my college friends had all these grandiose dreams about what their weddings would be like and dreamed of having lots of children.

At the time, I did not want any kids, because my childhood was so bad that I didn't want to treat "my kids" like my mom treated me. Plus, I was (and still am) uncomfortable around children, and stepping onto a schoolground (which is very infrequent) still brings back negative emotions.

When I was told by my female doctor that when I want to get pregnant, that it will be difficult for me to conceive and will have to go thru extra fertility treatments and such--this was NOT "bad" news for me. When I was told this back in college, I was actually happy about it because this would be a 'valid' reason for not having kids (when getting into 'discussions' with my mom about it).

My views have changed--I'm 38 and have matured (a little). Personally, I still have no desire to have children--I'm not "chompin' at the bid" to get married to have children. If it's God's plan for me to get married and have children--it will all happen "naturally"--I'm not going to use contraception or anything like that--but I'm not going to go through extraordinary measures to get pregnant either.

Since I'm still single with no marriage in sight, I'm not losing sleep over this topic--but it has crossed my mind from time to time and I understand your feelings of not wanting kids.

Enjoy your life as a teen/young adult. Stay on the straight and narrow. Stay strong in your Catholic faith and stay pure. God will bring the right person to you and you'll have your answer about children at that time.

God Bless,

Barbara

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