I need some really good advice concerning my marriage.
For the past year, my husband and I have been fighting nonstop. We have 4 young kids and when the baby was born about a year ago, he lost his job and I struggled with postpartum depression. Since then, he landed himself a very good job and I have definitely gotten back on my feet but the fighting hasn’t gotten much better at all.
Our fights can become violent in all aspects. I’m not going to pretend I’m perfect by any stretch but 99% of the time, he picks these fights. He is a very controlling (some would say mysogonistic) man and when things aren’t going EXACTLY his way, he can’t help but blurt out in a very abrasive way what he’s thinking. There is very little filter and most of the time he hurts me deeply with the things he says. More than anything, I’m tired of ticking him off in some sort of way 3+ times every single day. It is exhausting and I can’t do much more than turn on movies for my kids all day because I’m so emotionally drained. And to my core, I’m not OK with that. I desire so much to be a more present mother so the situation is heartbreaking.
Additionally, he absolutely cannot handle it when I tell him he’s done something wrong. He immediately not only becomes defensive but offensive as well. As quickly as he possibly can, he will deflect back onto me and oftentimes trick me into believing the whole situation is actually my fault. He is an extremely smart man and we joke he’d make a great lawyer because he’s so good at confusing and ultimately exhausting the opposing party to the point of winning arguments.
He tells me quite frequently that I’m doing a bad job raising our kids. He thinks I’m too lax and I don’t follow through with anything. The truth of the matter is that I believe he is way too harsh with them. He yells at them all the time and he picks favorites. I feel awful for them so I usually am compensating for the lack of love and affection they receive from him. They have stated multiple times that they are scared of him and he has heard it. It still doesn’t make a difference.
Here is where I’m at. I am not going to say I hate my husband but I really really resent him. He has honestly made my life a living hell. I live every single day in fear of the emotional rollercoaster he is going to take me on. Honestly I wish there were a way out, but I’m too devout of a Catholic for that.
I don’t know what options I have. I believe we were validly married so I don’t believe in even seeking the possibility of an annulment. I would love the chance to separate for at least a month just to give him a chance to reflect on how he’s been treating me and give me a chance to decompress. However, he has flat out refused to ever allow me to do that. Maybe that gives you an idea of the kind of control he has over me…