Marriage Advice


#1

I really am not sure who else to ask about this, but it's really bothering me. So I hope you guys can help me. My husband is a cradle Catholic, practicing and all. I am a convert who is relatively new to taking the faith seriously. He thinks I am kind of nuts for this, but he has not said much, as it is the faith HE brought me into. Anyhow, I never knew before that sexual acts done just for pleasure and not being open to life was a sin. But he thinks this is nonsense (he has mentioned this before as well as the teaching on masturbation and pornography) and wants me to perform certain sexual acts for him. He feels rejected if I won't and has spent the last two days not speaking to me other than nasty, sarcastic comments because I wouldn't perform these services. I didn't tell him no because of the Church's teaching on mortal sin because I think he would have went through the roof. But I would rather do anything than commit a mortal sin. However, life is decidedly unpleasant for me and our son when my husband walks around treating me like ****. He's angry because he feels rejected, I'm hurt because he is treating me this way. Any suggestions? I am hard pressed to think this is the point of the Church's teaching.


#2

This can be a difficult situation. I would first talk to your pastor and ask if he has any suggestions. Next, I would make sure that he knows you still love him and that you just can't bring yourself to do those acts and be very honest about why.

Being a CC, I too rejected many of the teachings that he does. My wife, a convert, had to help me understand why these things were wrong. At first I was very frustrated, but in time came to understand. It took a lot of prayer and patience and a few years, but we got there. The road ahead is not simple, but it will be worth it.

Folks of my generation were very poorly catechized and it can be hard to understand why these things are wrong. At the end of the day, it comes down to selfishness. He needs to love you and the Lord more than he loves himself. I wouldn't say that to him, but I would help him to that understanding.

I will pray for you!


#3

There are certain acts that can be done to an extent. As long as the husband completes the act where the couple is open to life, however he achieved being ready to finish is acceptable. This does not include pornography because that involves another person outside the marriage, but most other things are not forbidden per se.


#4

I am really sorry you are in this situation. You husband is wrong for treating you like that.

No matter what he says, you need to hold your ground. If he is asking you to choose between him and God, you need to choose God. Mortal sin is something you are right to flee from and he needs to know the reasoning behind your rejection of sin. However, like the other poster said, if your completed sexual encounter could result in life you can “warm up” by doing other things. If you are still unsure you can talk to a priest about it.


#5

I too am so sorry that your husband is being mean to you. I am a revert back to Catholicism and I used to think like your husband. I told my mom she was crazy when we had a discussion about birth control and she said that spilling the seed was a form of birth control and a mortal sin.Like the other poster said we were not taught the true teachings of the Church after V11. I also did not know that masturbation was a mortal sin until I came back at 45yrs. old.

My husband is not religious at all so I had to learn everything on my own and then teach him. He has been ok with the marital relations’ teachings because the Church allows oral foreplay as well as manual stimulation before intercourse. He now knows why they teach what they do even though he doesn’t agree with it. I second the advice that it would really help your husband to know why the Church teaches what they do. Dr. Janet Smith’s cd called “Contraception Why Not?” is wonderful.


#6

[quote="nurselisa99, post:1, topic:209923"]
I really am not sure who else to ask about this, but it's really bothering me. So I hope you guys can help me. My husband is a cradle Catholic, practicing and all. I am a convert who is relatively new to taking the faith seriously. He thinks I am kind of nuts for this, but he has not said much, as it is the faith HE brought me into. Anyhow, I never knew before that sexual acts done just for pleasure and not being open to life was a sin. But he thinks this is nonsense (he has mentioned this before as well as the teaching on masturbation and pornography) and wants me to perform certain sexual acts for him. He feels rejected if I won't and has spent the last two days not speaking to me other than nasty, sarcastic comments because I wouldn't perform these services. I didn't tell him no because of the Church's teaching on mortal sin because I think he would have went through the roof. But I would rather do anything than commit a mortal sin. However, life is decidedly unpleasant for me and our son when my husband walks around treating me like ****. He's angry because he feels rejected, I'm hurt because he is treating me this way. Any suggestions? I am hard pressed to think this is the point of the Church's teaching.

[/quote]

Why don't you get one of the books on marital sexual ethics such as -

Sex Au Naturel by Patrick Coffin

Holy Sex.... by Greg Popcak

The Good News about Sex and Marriage by Christopher West

You could get one of the audio studies also . Either ask your husband to read or listen by himself or with you .

In any case he should not be acting the way he is. Make sure if you turn him down for these type of acts you specifically say it is because of the church teaching and not a rejection of him. Its embarrassing having to say these sins in confession, surely he wouldn't want you to have to go through that since he is a "practicing catholic".


#7

[quote="nurselisa99, post:1, topic:209923"]
My husband is a cradle Catholic, practicing and all.

... it is the faith HE brought me into.

[/quote]

A kajillion years ago, before the earth was made, God knew you would be interjected into this conflict.

Your husband may be a cradle Catholic. But he is not entirely practicing. At this point, the upshot is that he had you convert, and now he wants you to join him in his own ignorant interpretation of the faith. Yes, these are sins, and they become mortal when they are practiced with full knowledge and full consent.

Your culpability may be lessened if you have been forced (I hope this element is not in your marriage). But this problem will not go away.

I know what your husband is going through -- huge anger at being told that he CANNOT live out his sexual fantasies, and he only has his own religion to blame. He thinks every other guy out there is getting it (news flash- they're not), and he has a right to it too. You say he would have gone through the roof if you told him the Church's stance? Reminded him, more likely. He, like many Catholics, think the rules can be broken whenever he wishes. The "cafeteria" Catholic picks and chooses what teachings they want to believe. Very, very common. Potentially very, very deadly.

This is very difficult. The bad news is that it will likely take much time to resolve, especially if pornography and masturbation are involved. satan is real, and perversion of sexuality is the nuclear bomb in his arsenal; it is more effective at putting souls in peril than roundup on broadleaf weeds. The good news is that a faithful resolution will give you a marriage much much stronger than it is now.

How to go about it? You know your husband better than any of us, so your discretion is trump. But I'd say, when the tension eases and when the time is right, to ask him why it was so important for you to convert? If you don't have to believe some of what the Church teaches, then why believe any of it? If some teachings that are concerning to you are "nonsense", does he have the resources from the magesterium to back it up? Does he believe in heaven, hell and sin? Does he know it is his duty to get you to heaven, just as it is your duty to get him there? If discussing these topics with him make you cry because of the concern you have for him, then let the tears flow.

When he is ready to concede he has a problem, come back and ask how to proceed. There is a lot of support out there, and here too.

Prayers for you and your husband.


#8

Thanks for all the care and concern and great advice. I tried to give him information from the Catechism on why birth control was a mortal sin so he would confess this at confession, but he said he does not need to confess it because it doesn’t bother his conscience. So, the same argument will be made here, I am sure. He wants to be saved out of warm fuzzy, Jesus loves everyone, and I never do anything wrong anyway feeling. But I want to be saved according to the tenets of our religion. I have Sex Au Naturel sitting on the bedside table along with a book called “Be a Man”, but he won’t read either one. He said before that St. Joseph is his favorite saint, so I told him that St. Joseph never got to have sex with Mary, and he made a crude joke at that time. I think the real root of this problem is as someone else mentioned. He is involved in masturbation and pornography, although he hides this from me, has no prayer life, and is just a pew warmer at mass on Sunday. He does not consider his own mortality and would rather live life for pleasure than for holiness. He might wake up regarding this as he gets older. I have had to accept this, but when it causes me to sin I can’t accept it. My strategy has been to initiate intercourse whenever he wants so that it won’t be a sin for me, but every now and then he gets this way about wanting other things and I just have to put up with the treatment, I suppose. Crying or telling him how I feel won’t help, it doesn’t help in any other arena. I poured my heart out to him about the birth control issue and it didn’t change one thing other than he thought I was being ridiculous and hysterical and he left me sitting outside and refused to discuss the issue anymore. So, I don’t know why I thought there was anything I could do about this, either. But it is so hard to see your spouse going through this because as I told him before, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow, and then what are you going to tell Jesus? He has no response for this. I guess I just ask for you guys to pray for us since there isn’t much else I can do. My husband has a propensity for cruelty at times. I am guessing his own Dad is like this, and he was even worse when we first got married, so I should be happy I made any progress with him at all. I know it’s hard to be a Catholic, so I am sorry for carrying on about this. Thanks!


#9

Oh, and my husband is the poster child for Cafeteria Catholicism. The priest gave a homily about being a Cafeteria Catholic a few weeks ago, and it didn't sink in one bit. I do say a decade of my rosary for him everyday that he 'has ears to hear and eyes to see the truth". Someone suggested saying the St. Michael chaplet for him every day and also sprinkling all the rooms in the house with holy water. Could this help? I will try anything. What if I used the holy water on the computer I know he uses for pornography?


#10

Pray pray pray. 5 mysteries a day at least.

Bring him to the TOB institute for the head and heart immersion class.

www.tobinstitute.org


#11

[quote="nurselisa99, post:9, topic:209923"]
Oh, and my husband is the poster child for Cafeteria Catholicism. The priest gave a homily about being a Cafeteria Catholic a few weeks ago, and it didn't sink in one bit. I do say a decade of my rosary for him everyday that he 'has ears to hear and eyes to see the truth". Someone suggested saying the St. Michael chaplet for him every day and also sprinkling all the rooms in the house with holy water. Could this help? I will try anything. What if I used the holy water on the computer I know he uses for pornography?

[/quote]

Great! And you may consider even more - if you have a priest in the diocese who does deliverances, have him come over and "pray" (exorcise) in your house, and have him make up a gallon of holy water with blessed salt for you to use frequently. And pray. I never used to really believe in prayer except when everything else failed, and even then I was skeptical. But I have seen results from prayer in my own family that *so completely and totally defy human nature and explanation *that I am unable to consider any other possibility. The spiritual world is as real as the keyboard on which I type.

I will add you two to my prayers also.


#12

I think that you are doing all that you can and it is so good that you are praying for him everyday. I think that when you talked to him about the reasons why these things are bad it may not seem like it is sinking in but you are forming his desensitized conscience. We can only hope that his conscience will start to bother him more and more. It is good that he did not have anything to say to you when you said, "What will happen if you get by a bus and what will you say to Jesus?" Keep hoping and praying for him and I will pray for him and my husband, and sons too. God bless you!


#13

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