Marriage and Masturbation


#1

i hope i dont get anybody upset with my thread if so i am very sorry .Friday August 9 will be our 38th anniversary i was always good and faithful to my wife ,and always provided for her and my daughter i still love her very much she is 58 and i am 60 and she still looks great to me.But for the past 18 years we have had no sexual intimacy nothing at all she had to have a histerectamy many years ago and she lost all her sex drive and she wants nothing to do with sex at all.and when i want to make love to her she gets very mad at me.I wish at 60 my sex drive with go away but i think it only gets higher ,I have ask her to see if we could get profesonal help but it only starts an argument. she blames me because of my sex drive being high .I am a catholic and practice my faith good and go to church all the time .I have talked to my pastor at church , but he did not find good information on what i could do.I find that sometimes i fall in the sin of Masterbation at times and i know that it is a very grave sin to God,but i cant help it i just get to sexually frustrated and rather then cause an argument i do what i have to do and i always go to confess my sin and ask God for forgiveness and help ,why is it still a sin just because i`m human and have needs to thank you for the encouragement .


#2

Each partner in a marriage should have access to " the marital right" (sex), unless for a just cause such as illness, injury, etc. Denying the marital right for years upon end is not ok.

You should most definitely speak to a priest; it would be helpful if your wife would go with you, but whether she does or not please go speak to him.

I dont believe he will tell you masturbation is ok, but maybe he can give you some suggestions for addressing the issue with your wife, and you two go to counseling together.


#3

[quote="hornpout, post:1, topic:335143"]
i hope i dont get anybody upset with my thread if so i am very sorry .Friday August 9 will be our 38th anniversary i was always good and faithful to my wife ,and always provided for her and my daughter i still love her very much she is 58 and i am 60 and she still looks great to me.But for the past 18 years we have had no sexual intimacy nothing at all she had to have a histerectamy many years ago and she lost all her sex drive and she wants nothing to do with sex at all.and when i want to make love to her she gets very mad at me.I wish at 60 my sex drive with go away but i think it only gets higher ,I have ask her to see if we could get profesonal help but it only starts an argument. she blames me because of my sex drive being high .I am a catholic and practice my faith good and go to church all the time .I have talked to my pastor at church , but he did not find good information on what i could do.I find that sometimes i fall in the sin of Masterbation at times and i know that it is a very grave sin to God,but i cant help it i just get to sexually frustrated and rather then cause an argument i do what i have to do and i always go to confess my sin and ask God for forgiveness and help ,why is it still a sin just because i`m human and have needs to thank you for the encouragement .

[/quote]

I would strongly suggest getting some advice from a priest about the situation with your wife.

You also will want to consult on the matter of when and if masturbation is a mortal sin for you.

Remember, for a mortal sin, you have to have the three conditions of grave matter, full consent and knowledge that it's mortal.


#4

[quote="SuperLuigi, post:3, topic:335143"]
I would strongly suggest getting some advice from a priest about the situation with your wife.

You also will want to consult on the matter of when and if masturbation is a mortal sin for you.

Remember, for a mortal sin, you have to have the three conditions of grave matter, full consent and knowledge that it's mortal.

[/quote]

What he said.


#5

Wish I could help, but at least I can empathize with you. :(

Our 30th anniversary was two days ago. It has been 13 or 14 years (stopped counting) that my wife told me "I've replaced you" and there has been no intimacy, love, understanding, or anything positive to speak of. She also refused any and all types of counseling and has fallen away from the Church completely.

I will pray for you and your wife. I hope that she still loves you, even as she denies you the physical aspect of love and marriage.


#6

[quote="SuperLuigi, post:3, topic:335143"]
I would strongly suggest getting some advice from a priest about the situation with your wife.

You also will want to consult on the matter of when and if masturbation is a mortal sin for you.

Remember, for a mortal sin, you have to have the three conditions of grave matter, full consent and knowledge that it's mortal.

[/quote]

The OP already said he knows it is a grave sin.
With the information provided his masturbation is a mortal sin. He knows it is a sin of grave matter and still goes ahead and does it. It is not mitigated by the fact his wife refuses to have sex with him.


#7

Even having a complete removal of uterus , ovaries and cervix does not remove a woman's sex drive. A wife should not use that as her excuse for withholding sexual pleasure. For how many years ?

Have recently learned on another thread that the church allows masturbation of the wife to climax even though a female climax is never required for pregnancy. I believe certain things should be left up to the individual, without guilt. The withholding of sex in a marriage is a sin.


#8

[quote="thistle, post:6, topic:335143"]
The OP already said he knows it is a grave sin.
With the information provided his masturbation is a mortal sin. He knows it is a sin of grave matter and still goes ahead and does it. It is not mitigated by the fact his wife refuses to have sex with him.

[/quote]

Grave matter - however, he may lack full/free consent.

Which is why he should talk to his priest.


#9

[quote="thistle, post:6, topic:335143"]
The OP already said he knows it is a grave sin.
With the information provided his masturbation is a mortal sin. He knows it is a sin of grave matter and still goes ahead and does it. It is not mitigated by the fact his wife refuses to have sex with him.

[/quote]

I agree! I am 26 years old and do not have wife. Yet, I am still required to live chastely. :)


#10

thank you all for the good things you posted ,im living a sad life but still have faith in my Lord


#11

[quote="hornpout, post:10, topic:335143"]
thank you all for the good things you posted ,im living a sad life but still have faith in my Lord

[/quote]

Prayers offered! :crossrc:


#12

[quote="triumphguy, post:8, topic:335143"]
Grave matter - however, he may lack full/free consent.

Which is why he should talk to his priest.

[/quote]

How would he lack consent? From his post I don't see any mental impairment nor any coercion. How else would he lack consent.

If a person knows that an act is of grave matter but goes ahead and does it anyway that is a mortal sin (barring the possibility of reduced culpability through coercion or mental incapacity).


#13

[quote="thistle, post:12, topic:335143"]
How would he lack consent? From his post I don't see any mental impairment nor any coercion. How else would he lack consent.

If a person knows that an act is of grave matter but goes ahead and does it anyway that is a mortal sin (barring the possibility of reduced culpability through coercion or mental incapacity).

[/quote]

Consent isn't intellectual, it's affective and can be impaired by emotion, habit, addictions, lack of affective maturity, etc. Exactly what it says in the CCC at 2352.

To form an equitable judgment about the subjects' moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors that lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability.

Which is why the OP should talk to a priest.


#14

[quote="KrazyKat, post:7, topic:335143"]
Even having a complete removal of uterus , ovaries and cervix does not remove a woman's sex drive.

[/quote]

Yes, it does remove a woman's sex drive. You are incorrect. I should know, because I'm a woman and have had the same procedure.


#15

[quote="jenwha, post:14, topic:335143"]
Yes, it does remove a woman's sex drive. You are incorrect. I should know, because I'm a woman and have had the same procedure.

[/quote]

I know because I have had all of the fore mentioned removed and it did not remove my sex drive an iota. I would not have made the statement if it were not known as fact from personal experience.


#16

Maybe your wife could get a testosterone test? Women can be short on it (not just men) and that can deminish their sex drive.


#17

[quote="triumphguy, post:13, topic:335143"]
Consent isn't intellectual, it's affective and can be impaired by emotion, habit, addictions, lack of affective maturity, etc. Exactly what it says in the CCC at 2352.

Which is why the OP should talk to a priest.

[/quote]

I'm not saying the OP should not talk to a priest. I am saying that only coercion and mental impairment might reduce culpability.
A wife refusing to have sex with her husband does not fit that bill.
What the OP describes is a mortal sin.


#18

[quote="thistle, post:17, topic:335143"]
I'm not saying the OP should not talk to a priest. I am saying that only coercion and mental impairment might reduce culpability.
A wife refusing to have sex with her husband does not fit that bill.
What the OP describes is a mortal sin.

[/quote]

You and I have no idea what the OP's mental state in relation to, or because of, that rejection is.


#19

Thistle, I think triumph guy is right here. He should talk to a priest.

You keep reiterating coercion, but mental states can be a form of coercion. A wife denying her husband for years could lead to anger or anxiety. For all we know, the OP fights the temptation long and hard, but his anger and anxiety over his marital rejection 'coerce' his soul.

It's not up to us to judge beyond telling him it's a grave matter and he is potentially mortally sinning. That should be enough to make him want to stop.

The hard thing in a situation like this is there are two souls in danger, his for succumbing to the sin, and his wife's for the rejection.

To the OP,

You are in my prayers. My situation is not as dramatic as yours, but I know the intense humiliation, sorrow, and hurt that a wife's rejection in this area can cause. I too have prayed for a lessening of my sex drive so I don't have to be tormented by my spouse's rejection. It has not subsided, (I am only 33), which has lead me to believe The Lord wants me to work on two things 1) reason controlling the passions, and 2) helping my wife to be more Christian. Number 2 is kind of hard in this arena, because it amounts to saying, 'honey, if you want to be more Christian, you need to have sex with me.'

So, I pray for her to affirm her love for me through sex, and I pray that I may control my passions so the rejection doesn't torment me. I've tried little things, like coaching my whole family to live by the Golden Rule and then telling my wife that that pertains to the bedroom as well, or mentioning that it is a sin to reject your husband for no good reason. Do not make statements like that out of anger or when you are asking for intimacy, because that is not a prudent time to do so.

You are in my prayers.


#20

[quote="triumphguy, post:18, topic:335143"]
You and I have no idea what the OP's mental state in relation to, or because of, that rejection is.

[/quote]

Reduction of culpability is not a license to sin more. The OP asked us why it is still a sin. If one's inability to have licit sex makes sexual sins venial, most of us would not mortally sin in this area. There are many examples that should not be taken as a sign of lessened culpability:

"He's 17 and has a high sex but isn't married." "His wife died and now he can't have sex." "He's 30, disabled, and can't find a wife." "He is a priest but celibacy is hard on him."

You no one can say, "If you can't have licit sex, masturbation is no longer a mortal sin." Being human does not mean that you are an animal and can't live a chaste life. We struggle with sins and confess them. We can't make up excuses to sin more. The Church is not some politically correct psychiatry group.

[quote="hornpout, post:1, topic:335143"]
why is it still a sin just because i`m human and have needs to thank you for the encouragement .

[/quote]


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