Marriage confusions


#1

***Hello all, I’ve got something that has been bugging me for quite some time, so I’ll get right to it, sorry for it being confusing, I can’t explain things very well.

I’m lonely. There, I have admitted it. Stuck in loneliness still. I’ve always wanted a soul mate, I figured that having a soul mate makes one happy, to have someone, you know, but here’s the catch, I do not want kids for many reasons, so I am not open to having any kids. So what kind of options are there? (That is not natural family planning.) I’m sorry, I’ve yet to get the courage to talk to a priest about anything yet, it’s too weird, I’m too scared, it’s very intimidating for me.

If anyone knows any answers or suggestions it would be greatly appreciated.***


#2

You have figured wrong. Other people do not and cannot make us happy. That comes from inside ourselves. Placing responsibility for your happiness on someone else is setting yourself up for disappointment.

Marriage is work, hard work. Yes, we love our spouses and they can be sources of comfort and joy, but they can also be the source of frustration and difficulty. We walk through life as equal partners, each giving our all in the marriage to the other, for the benefit of the other.

Sounds like right now you have some depression that needs to be looked after by a qualified counselor.

A person with a permanent intention against children cannot validly contract marriage.

One may use natural family planning to space children, but not with a permanent intention against children.

I do think getting some counseling is in order to help you deal with your loneliness and to work through your issues related to children and your ideals of marriage (which are pretty far from reality).

I know it’s tough around the holidays when you do not have a “significant other”. But we can also find joy and happiness with family, friends, and through works of charity for others.


#3

I think God calls us to friendship–love, marriage, children are one aspect–and celibacy and devotion to God and his Church and our neighbors are another. I imagine a three-legged stool of emotional well-being: at least one close and reliable friend (or marriage partner), a skill that enables us to be fairly assured of both positive contribution and reasonable income, and an avocation of Faith or other service or activity that we both enjoy and feel good about. I think most of our closest friends come from Church, or avocation, or work
We’ll keep you in prayer.


#4

devote yourself to God, work and school if applicable. join some of the groups that are busy serving the poor, visiting the sick and elderly and etc. i’m sure your pastor would welcome this conversation. put marriage on a back burner. who knows, you might meet someone one day, and your view of children might change. that’s exactly what happened to me. God bless!


#5

I’m not trying to be funny here, but have you ever thought about Marrying Jesus.
Becoming a Nun.
don’t dismiss this, it could be that your feelings are being directed from elsewhere.
What better Soul mate than the one who gave you your Soul,
Who knows you better?
Who loves you better?
Who would be eternally faithful to you?
Who would answer you every Prayer?

God Bless.
Pete:tiphat:


#6

***Thank you for your imput 1ke.

I try and I do just that Bisco, thank you. I used to be very involved in organizations until I was told that I was “too” involved, and basically to step down to let others have my volunteer job, so I just help when people ask for it, I don’t want to be in their way.

Thank you for keeping me in your prayers eschator83.

Forgive me Purgatory Pete, but I have never seen a “happy” nun. I don’t want to be miserable. I have thought about it in the past, a great number of times in my teens, and early twenties it came up from several people, but I do not agree with how they run their orders, and I haven’t had a true calling for it that I am aware of, but thank you all the same.***


#7

That’s ok.
Two of my aunties are Nun’s,
They have been two of the happiest people I have known in life.
(Not that being a Nun is about being Happy.
come to think of it, neither is Life about that)
I hope and Pray that you find what you are searching for.

and remember, no matter what, God loves you.

God Bless your life.
Pete:tiphat:


#8

Purgatory Pete, that is all I’m searching for, to be happy in life. Thank you.


#9

I was looking over a number of the comments made.
You first need to understand that God has a plan for you. Marriage may not be in that plan. That however does not mean you cannot have a full, happy and spiritual life.
I understand it is difficult as a single to see that a single life is can be fulfilling when all around us we get the opposite message, after all even farmers have an on line dating service.
There was the suggestion of joining a convent, but that need to be considered after a bit of discernment, and yes unless your are willing to follow the rules for that life, it is not for you.
Instead of looking at your situation in the form of loneliness, instead look at your life now as an opportunity to become closer to the Lord. It can be done in a number of way, of course by reading the bible, but then putting what you learn into action. Figure out were your passion is to serve him and for service but more important, be open to were he is leading you to service. Examine the talents he has given to you and put them to work in His Church. These things will give your life purpose and help fill that hole you have in your loneliness.
We often look at the vocations we have in religious orders, clergy and marriage, but there is a vocation for those who are single.

My peace, blessing and prayers
Deacon Frank


#10
  • Deacon Frank, I would think that after all these years I would know what His plan is for me, but it’s even more confusing, and I feel more lonely/lost than ever. I had gotten extremely involved in the Church in the past, but that didn’t work out, there is no room. I have thought about single being as a vocation many times in the past, but then the lonely feelings keep coming back, so that makes me think that there is someone out there for me.

I thank you for your suggestions, blessing, and prayers.*


#11

I think I understand what you mean.
You love God and have faith etc.
but you still feel something is missing.
and that the something you are after is
the human intimacy of another.

I know you will find someone
(and it seems at times that this will never happen)
but it will and usually once you stop looking is when it happens.
(I don’t know why, it just does)

But even with Mr or Mrs right in our lives
that feeling of something missing remains,
we ALL have this and will All carry it around
until we take our first step into Heaven.

Ok, I’m going to be a little frank here.
I could be wrong about my interpretation of what you are saying,
so please forgive any unintended comments that could be
seen in the wrong light. I’m not judging I’m attempting to help
in my own clumsy way. or at least explain how most men really see things.

Based on your first post.
You seem to be focusing on what you want
and on what others can do for you.
and most of our modern world does this now,
and most of our modern world are unhappy.
you should be focused on what others want
and on what you can do for them.

Speaking as a man, this is what catches our eye
when we are looking for a serious relationship.
Men don’t want the fashion chasers and make up experts,
they are expensive to be with and are focusing on external things.
Real Men want a woman with a warm caring heart, compassionate, reliable
and trustworthy. We want that because we truly desire to return those gifts
to the woman we love.

Not wanting children will put many men off, for many reasons.
(Unless it is for your own medical / Health reasons)
The number one reason is that such a statement says that he
is to be given no consideration in the future possibilities of this relationship.
Who wants to be shut out of such decisions. No one (no man or woman wants that)
Despite what Hollywood puts out there, I know of no man that wants
to be disrespected or dictated to in anything to do with their relationship.
I’m not saying that, that is what you are doing.
I’m saying that this is how a Man might see it.

So if it is for medical reasons then say that, You don’t need to give out
any details, most men don’t want the details straight out anyway.

(I don’t want you to explain any of the reasons here) I’m just saying,
That if it’s not medical then it’s for personal reasons and your correct
this could be a problem.

What if you found a Mr perfect that (For medical reasons) couldn’t have children.
That would at first seem to fit perfectly, But ask yourself how you would feel
if the man you adore turned to you a year later and said “I would like us to adopt a child.”

What I’m trying to ask here is, what is more important to you.
The no children, or the relationship?
I may be way off track with all that, I don’t know.
But if not then I hope some of it helped.

You asked
So what kind of options are there? (That is not natural family planning.)
I’m sure you know as much as me, possibly more, but here is what I know of.
Abstinence.
or find someone who can’t have children and doesn’t want to Adopt.
(perhaps a discrete add stating your plans and would like to meet same)

other than that I am of no more help.
Sitting here scratching my head doesn’t help you
and will only turn me bald:)

I don’t know if I have helped or hindered, (helped I hope)
Buy I do know I have prayed for you to have a life full of joyous moments.

May God Bless You and Care for You.
Pete.:tiphat:


#12

Dear Sketch:
Very often we are called to have patients. We very much live in a wold of instant gratification. As such we sometime think that God works the same way. In our faith we are called to trust in his wisdom. Many saints have gone through what they have called a holy darkness, were they have prayed for years and have felt no answer from God, St. Mother Theresa experienced this, but she never stopped praying, never stopped believing and never stopped he work. She trusted.
I understand the difficulties of being alone, of wanting that someone who makes you feel special to share all in life with. If that is within God’s plan for you, it will happen. I waited 19 years for my true love. God gave me a wonderful gift in my wonderful wife and true happiness for the past 20 years.
Continue to trust in the Lord, continue to do his work and his plan for you will be reveille to you.

Deacon Frank


#13

Purgatory Pete:

Based on your first post.
You seem to be focusing on what you want
and on what others can do for you.
and most of our modern world does this now,
and most of our modern world are unhappy.
you should be focused on what others want
and on what you can do for them. I search for someone now because I am burnt out and tired of giving of myself what others need, and want.

Speaking as a man, this is what catches our eye
when we are looking for a serious relationship.
Men don’t want the fashion chasers and make up experts,
they are expensive to be with and are focusing on external things.
Real Men want a woman with a warm caring heart, compassionate, reliable
and trustworthy. We want that because we truly desire to return those gifts
to the woman we love. I am fortunately not one of those girls, however my animal hobby is probably more expensive.

So if it is for medical reasons then say that, You don’t need to give out
any details, most men don’t want the details straight out anyway. It is not for medical reasons.

But ask yourself how you would feel
if the man you adore turned to you a year later and said "I would like us to adopt a child."I would probably say that I know people change, but I am no good with kids, maybe I would be better with someone in their mid to late teens. I am good with animals, they have never steered me wrong.

Sitting here scratching my head doesn’t help you
and will only turn me bald :slight_smile: Haha, don’t do that!

Deacon Frank, thank you for sharing your own personal experience, and about St. Mother Theresa. I never knew that she experienced such. I just wish I knew what His plan was for me, if I am to be single, just tell me, I hate guessing games.

Thank you both very much for your insight, suggestions, and kind replies. I guess I have no choice but to wait some more until things sort themselves out.


#14

What part of how they run their orders do you not agree with? :smiley: I’m interested. (Also, if you had particular orders in mind, please let me know)

How is it intimidating? Would it be because you would have to talk to a priest who knows you? Is it because he is a priest (i.e. due to the nature of his office)? I’d like to walk with you through that intimidation, if you don’t mind. :thumbsup:

Also, I second Dcn. Frank’s advice. The great Franciscan, St. Bonaventure (yes, the guy the university is named after), argued (in so many words) that the closer we try to align our hearts to God, the more we know what God asks of us (or, to put it another way, the more we pray, the brighter our “spiritual flashlight” is to help us find our way). :christmastree1:

Regards,
Seminarian
Diocese of Buffalo


#15

Lamentation, "What part of how they run their orders do you not agree with? :smiley: I’m interested. (Also, if you had particular orders in mind, please let me know) "I am not quite sure which rules belong to which orders, but I do not agree with the orders that have nuns basically locked up behind what looks like jail bars, (Forgive me as I do not know the correct term for them.) the poor things are so desperate to see someone else they grab at you through the bars. Also more importantly, the orders that don’t allow them to see their family throughout the year, even when it is most important that the nun family member is there with her family.

“How is it intimidating? Would it be because you would have to talk to a priest who knows you? Is it because he is a priest (i.e. due to the nature of his office)? I’d like to walk with you through that intimidation, if you don’t mind. :thumbsup:I’m sure a bit of it is because he knows me, but other reasons are because I haven’t really had the best experience with any of the Priests that I’ve known, no offense, but they are men, and they do not know what us women go through, and yes, part of it is his authority, and what he does with his authority can be quite scary.

“Also, I second Dcn. Frank’s advice. The great Franciscan, St. Bonaventure (yes, the guy the university is named after), argued (in so many words) that the closer we try to align our hearts to God, the more we know what God asks of us (or, to put it another way, the more we pray, the brighter our “spiritual flashlight” is to help us find our way). :christmastree1:”
Thank you, I agree


#16

Those are orders of nuns, who actually vow to live a monastic life, shut away from the world, to focus on contemplating God. The only ones I am aware of in the area are the Disclaced Carmalites downtown, and I assure you they do not grab at you through the bars… :slight_smile: Another well known order of nuns are the Poor Clares that Mother Angelica (EWTN) is a part of.

Sisters, on the other hand, live in the world and minister to the world directly. They live in community, but have no restrictions on contact. Examples of these would be the Franciscan sisters at Stella Niagara, or the Daughters of Charity (who founded Sisters of Charity Hospital, also downtown).

No offense taken. Even as a seminarian I haven’t had the best of luck with some priests. Obviously the way around the familiarity aspect is to find someone else, but I also know there are parts of the diocese where this is easier said than done. I would suggest then that perhaps you find a sister in the area to get in contact with and discuss the questions you have, as you have (quite rightly) said, a priest is not a woman. If you need help finding someone to talk to, perhaps try contacting the diocesan vocations director. While he focuses on those discerning the diocesan priesthood, he can certainly help point to someone who would be helpful. :thumbsup:


#17

*I have seen the grabbing through the bars firsthand, I do not agree with the order being like that, if they wanted to be shut away from society, why do they allow visitors?

I have an acquaintance who is a nun of some Catholic order who which if I remember correctly, had to go through a two year process to “prove” herself, so she could not see her family for a year, and then maybe once the second year before they let her have that tiny bit of freedom. That is not for me.*

Thank you, I may check into talking to a Sister about my options.


#18

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