Hi all - thanks in advance to anyone who reads this. It’s appreciated! I’ll try and cliff the basics on the relationship and detail what appears to be the current core issues.
TLDR on the below to encourage people to read: In one day I got promoted, found out my sister has cancer, passed my classes, then got told by my wife she wants a divorce.
Summary of relationship
*] Started dating in 2008
*] I moved around the world to her in 2009
*] Engaged in 2010
*] Married in 2011
We are financially stable and have a generally positive marriage with occasional down periods. We just bought a house together and we have 3 dogs. It’s been getting increasingly strained.
*] We have yet to consummate the marriage. She saved herself for marriage (strict Catholic upbringing) and is naive and inexperienced. I’m not much more experienced. When we tried on the wedding night she was so nervous that even 1 finger was too much. I failed to make her feel comfortable during various subsequent attempts. It got to the point we stopped trying and “made do” with oral and non-penetrative. Great strain from this that we never really discussed. I tried a few times and it upset her a lot, and she ended up shutting down and not wanting to even discuss it.
*] I made the conscious decision in 2012 to grind at work in order to improve my position, with the goal of being able to sole-provide for us so we can have children and she can stay at home. She wants to build a career but has been struggling with office politics. I just got promoted this week. This has caused tension. My prioritization of work (albeit for a “endgame” goal of family) has created a rift as she felt neglected.
*] She has battled undiagnosed depression over the past few years. It started in 2009 when she got fired and faced months of unemployment. She internalized her problems and let rip on me; I endured as I thought that meant I was being there for her. She doesn’t like her current job as a result of multiple “let downs” over the past two years. Great stress here, and she has become a very angry person.
*] I am someone who doesn’t stay angry and moves on very quickly. She holds grudges and does not forgive mistakes. This has caused friction (“you don’t even care!” etc). On my part I struggle because I hate that she will not forgive past mistakes.
*] Her first time moving out of her parents house was when we got married. She is not worldly and longs to travel now she is free of a sheltered upbringing. This has been an issue due to finances. Further to that I ****ed up on our first day home after marriage by playing Skyrim all day. She later told me how scared she was (first time away from parents home, etc). I didn’t pick up on this as I’ve never had issues being away from home having traveled a lot.
*] Her age. The impending 30 paired with our failed sex life is terrifying her.
*] I know she feels I’ve changed the way I talk to her over past years and have become a lot more negative. I am not aware of this but I am sure the above have taken a toll on me.
*] Working in the same place has caused some trouble; for example, I’ll be working and she’ll walk past carrying a box to her office from storage. I tended to keep working rather than help and that upset her. My mindset is that if we worked in other places I wouldn’t be there to help, so we shouldn’t make an exception just because we work at the same place.
*] I do not get along with my mother or sister, and she feels I will become towards her the way I am towards them.
*] She has a great pressure upon her from family (children, religion, success, career, etc). Asian.
I just read the above and I feel like I’m blaming her a lot. I am trying to keep this as unbiased as possible. I feel wronged at this time (see below) and it’s hard. I accept my failings (the biggest being my lack of empathy and the decision regarding work)
On Wednesday she told me that she is not happy in our marriage and has been talking to someone online. I sensed it pretty much immediately as she suddenly started keeping her phone with her at all times and staying up all night “Facebooking”. They started talking 3 weeks ago after our wedding anniversary (I had to work late… We went to dinner around 9 PM but she was furious). It started as him consoling her and talking to her, but progressed when he stated that he thinks he loves her. Rather than draw the line there she said “I think I love you too”. It actually “ended” quite abruptly the next day when he ignored her or something… and she flipped out. She has since expressed a desire to me to meet this person IRL and see if there’s a connection. She has told me she loves me but is no longer sexually attracted to me due to my neglect over the past year and our failed attempts at a sex life. She has told me there are colleagues at work she’d rather sleep with than me. I’m crushed. Last night she told me she wants an annulment. She wants to live in our home together, not tell anyone until the annulment is confirmed (potentially 2 years +), but sleep in separate rooms and essentially be roommates at home but a couple in public. I’m outraged at this point.