Well, I meant that it's hard to find Catholic girls in the first place and that I'm afraid that their standards and their culture will work against me in them having any interest in me. And they really are a rare breed here (not moral women, but women who believe in the Church). I go to mass and there aren't very many women my age their, and I've been to a few parishes around town. You don't find women my age here, Catholic or not, even at the store or mall. This town is one of those towns where everyone my age runs like all hell once they get old enough. There aren't any guys my age that I've noticed at mass either. It's just the nature of the beast so to speak. And I can't imagine going outside of the faith for a lover either, and I've tried numerous times to move without any success. I can't live alone because of rent and the fact that it would kill me emotionally - I can't afford a car or even insurance if someone were to give me a car. I'm used to thinking that women want a strong man who makes plenty of money, I was pretty much brought up to think that the kind of people that I would eventually become as an adult are waste. The question is then, I guess, that how do I get over this issue? Because basically (to lay it out simply) I want to be with a devout Catholic girl who won't fudge on ABC, etc., and there aren't any Catholic girls close enough to my age in this town that I wouldn't go to jail for touching, and besides I worry that churched girls are raised to disdain men like me and that their families would poohpooh me. I just feel kind of stuck and useless because I'm not middle class enough and am weird and sick.
Ya know, I need to be quite frank... my mother drilled it into my head that I couldn't expect to loved the way that I am - that I wouldn't be loved just for being me. That I had to lose weight, change my "trashy" clothes and pretend to be someone else and stop being such a freak (I'm gothic), get off my *** and go to college and make some dough or no one will want me. And when you combine this mindset with the traditional Christian protector-provider complementarian husband role and the Catholic teaching on having children it melds together into a distorted panic attack. I'm losing weight by accident, and I was beating myself up for years refusing to accept myself for who I am because of what's essentially a combination of persecution and Protestant culture (I'm a convert) although the dumb thing is that I'm only a freak because I'm sensitive, artistic, intellectual, and enjoy the supernatural and esoteric and here I am getting sniped for it, I've sincerely thought of going to college and getting a career but without fail every single time I consider it, no matter how healthy and near-normal I feel, I crash like clockwork. I've recently recovered to the point where I can go out and such and attend church and socialize, but before then I lived like a semi-hermit because I would pretty much have panic attacks out in public - happy clappy non-denom services would send me into a breakdown. I have PTSD from breaking from a genetic illness at the age of 13 and then being harassed and neglected and untreated for years. Not to mention being afraid of myself. I'm at the point after prayer and conversion and medication that I can pass myself off as a calm, normal person but for some reason I still can't handle some mild forms of stress and I start having mood swings because I'm bipolar too. I need friends (obviously I couldn't make any the past few years) - I'm on the internet talking about this right now because I don't have anybody that can really care enough in flesh and blood in my life. I was forced to move here because my mom kicked me out so I don't know anyone and live with my grandmother who's ill as well. I guess I got it from her. I really want someone to love so I can have someone by my side but I'm used to being judged in my worth as a man based on how much I conform to normality, and not to mention the paycheck and sexual prowess. And because of my illness I have a horrible past that makes me look like I could kill someone, so that's another thing I have to worry about. I'm a gentle, almost effeminate, guy at heart but after so much a person just wants to explode. So now I've got this smattering of illness that keep me from being a "real man" and I get treated like **** and start hating myself and develop PTSD and now I'm afraid my kids would be total suicidal schizo basket cases, but I can't deny my need for love but I just can't measure up.
Not to mention, before psychiatric help is mentioned, part of the abuse I underwent was from nasty shrinks and nurses (hell, I had a psychotic break because on doctor misdiagnosed me and gave me stimulants) so now I can't rely on them because I have to take everything with a shaker's worth of salt from them.