Marriage during school


#1

Hi all. I don’t post all that much, but I’m engaged currently. We’re both going to be finishing our B.S. in two more semesters (possibly only one more for me depending on what classes are offered next semester) and after that we had planned on waiting one more semester so I would be about halfway through my master’s before we got married and he would hopefully have a job. That way if any little bundles of joy came along we wouldn’t have too much to worry about. Now he thinks he might attend grad school too, and if he does he wants to move the date up from June 2008 to December 2007. That’s going to be right at the start of both our master’s programs and could cause interference if we got pregnant. My major requires dealing with lots of hazardous chemicals that I absolutely could not be around if I was pregnant. Money is going to be tight either way we go and I’m not worried about that. I’m worried more about how both of us going to school (stress, deadlines, studying, research) would affect a new marriage because I, obviously, have no experience in it. If anyone has some stories about common difficulties, or just a little friendly advice it would be appreciated. BTW, getting married now is not an option because both of us promised our families that we would get our B.S. before getting married (we’ve been dating for a little over 4.5 years).


#2

Going to school full time while married is not a big deal. I’ve known dozens of married couples who were both in grad school. You won’t see each other much, but it won’t interfere with you marriage per se. I myself was married with one child while getting my Masters and will have two when I start my Ph.D. this fall.

Get married, go on a nice honeymoon over the summer, and then hit the books come fall. You’ll be fine.

P.S. You might want to read those MSDS labels and take lab safety seriously if you want healthy kids some day.


#3

I’ve known grad students who were married and had children. They were all in liberal arts fields though, so they didn’t have to work around dangerous chemicals. I don’t have any real advice about that, but I do know it can be done.


#4

if those hazardous chemicals are dangerous to a pregnant woman and her baby, they are dangerous to anyone else working with them as well. the same precautions required in industry by OSHA should apply in a college lab setting.


#5

Hahaha, that’s so true. The last year of classes we’ve dealth with chemicals that the majority of them were carcinogens, quite a few were mutagens, and some caused birth defects. We’re asked in the beginning of the semester if we’re pregnant and told to drop the class if we are or if there’s the possibility that we will be before the semester’s over. The labs I’m in this semester aren’t nearly as bad. I think the worst thing we’ve dealt with so far this semester has been concentrated sulfuric acid. In all my labs we take lots of safety precautions and follow all the safety guidelines that are out there, but the fact still remains that if you’re pregnant they tell you to drop the really dangerous classes.

By quoting what I said about us not getting married until after the first degree is finished are you saying that we shouldn’t wait even though we told our families that?

I know it can be done. There are people that I know that are doing it right now. There’s a girl in one of my classes that has four young kids. Pretty much I’m just looking for advice on if people think it would be a good idea to move up the date.


#6

IMO, the sooner you are married after you graduate, the better. That’s why I suggested summer 07, especially if you are going to foot the bill.

Plus if you get married this summer, you can travel as newlyweds and enjoy it before hitting the books this fall. You can “set up shop” and figure out household duties before school starts (I assume you’ll move in together).

Think of marriage as a business partnership with the ultimate goal of having a family. God’s plan and all. :wink: My final advice is to get your finances squared away now and not wait until you get married. If the money situation is sound, the other stuff will be easy. Forget about the fancy cars and other bling bling unless your (or his) family is loaded. Chasing $$$ only leads to unhappiness.

Publish papers, produce results, and raise scientists of your own; the world needs more of us.


#7

Opticks, your comment about marriage being a business partnership literally made me laugh out loud. I love the way you put that! It’s priceless!

Anyway nobody is loaded and nobody is waiting to get married because we’re hoarding money for junk that brings unhappiness (you’re so right there). We’re both comfortable right now because we’ve worked hard and saved.

We will be footing the bill, and that’s a point of slight contention between us. He wants big and I want not so big, but we’ve been working on that one and have both made some compromises.

We will be moving in together, somewhere, after we get married if he gets his masters. If he doesn’t then we’ll probably keep the date where it is so we won’t be living apart as newlyweds for too long because I should be finishing up my masters spring or summer 08 if everything goes like it’s supposed to.

Thanks so much for the advice, I really appreciate it. One thing I didn’t mention was he’s scared to get married (maybe nervous is a better word… he wants to but the fact that he could be a father in a couple years freaks him out) and I promised my (now dead) mom that I would wait until I got my degree before getting married – the rest of the family just got told that we’d be waiting no actual promises were made.

I would like to ask one last thing, my family is fairly anticatholic. Any ideas on how to break the news to them that the wedding will be in the mass? It should be a given considering I converted almost two years ago, but still yet I know some of them will flat out refuse to come. I’m not sure about others. Should we leave transportation and lodging up to them so they can gracefully back out if they don’t want to come, or should we go ahead and offer transportation/lodging to everybody that needs it and make them find a graceful exit? Honestly it doesn’t make me mad or upset that they will refuse coming. It just makes me sad that they’re that close minded… but that’s another thread entirely.


#8

Have you checked out this thread? forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=108889

As far as the anti-Catholics, that is a tough one. If they are true Christians and love the Lord, then maybe they may be a bit more open although they will proabably be uncomforatable.

If I were in your position, I would pray about it and then just go with what you two decide, no apologies. You should NOT feel apologetic about your faith. If you get a good priest who is willing to explain things a little, your wedding could be a great witnessing tool to your non-Catholic friends and family.

I pray that God will give you the wisdom you need.

God bless you both!


#9

My husband and I are both medical students. Talk about stressful. I just finished my 1st year and he was about to start med school when we got married (he took a couple of years to do research and decide if he really wanted to be a physician). Yes there are tough times. You don’t always have time with each other. Some weekends all there was was books and nothing else.

I think that it is easier if both parties are in school at the same time. I understood that my hubby had to study and vice versa. There were many married people in my med school that did get divorced. It is tough for a couple who are used to you spending time with each other to all of a sudden not have as much time together.

I use Creighton for NFP and I love it. I would suggest it to you because you do not rely on temperature . With night call, I needed something that would allow me to have a crazy schedule and still be able to judge my fertility. I looked at the research articles and the method effectiveness is 99.6% and use effectiveness is over 96%. Pretty reliable I think. So don’t worry, there are good NFP methods out there that will help you plan your family. Could a bundle of joy still happen, sure, but less likely if you use NFP.

Good luck and God bless


#10

I think this is pretty standard for most guys. It stems from his feeling that the “party’s over” once you have kids. For some guys who like do like to party till 3am, then yeah, kids are going to throw a wrench in that. But for the rest of us, you can still do everything–maybe just not exactly when you want or maybe not as frequently, but it makes doing the “fun” stuff worth that much more. Plus, you can teach your kids how to do the same fun stuff, whether that’s throwing a football or building Legos.

Perhaps you could elaborate on exactly what part of Catholicism they feel is so bad they would not attend your wedding?


#11

Not really much to elaborate on because honestly there isn’t anything I know of that they disagree with in particular. It’s the whole idea of Catholicism that they disagree with and all the misconceptions that ill-informed people generally have about Catholics.

Dad thinks that the church is only in its “business” for the money not the people, that all priests are gay, that confession is wrong, that listening to other people’s interpretation of scripture is wrong, Mary worship, and a whole bunch of other stuff too. My grandpa is a pentecostal (sp?) so he’s got a lot of objections starting off with me being baptized in the trinitarian fashion and probably going on longer than dad’s list.

I’ve tried talking to them but it’s equivalent to trying to break a brick wall with a toothpick. sigh My dad said he would never set foot in a catholic church but when my mom was still alive she told him that he needed to realize that if he wanted to be a part of my life’s big events, he was going to have to get over that and he told her he’ll cross that bridge if he gets there. My family prays for me to come to my senses and realize my mistakes daily.


#12

EsclavoDeCristo, I read through that other thread. Thanks, and believe me, we’re definately praying a lot for graces and the right words when the time comes!

ElizaE, thanks for the encouraging story. I was considering Creighton or maybe doing a combo with that and the temperature as well because my sleep schedule’s pretty regular. Actually I should probably figure out what I’m going to use and start charting so I know what I’m doing when we finally get married.


#13

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