Marriage - Fighting, Name-Calling


#1

Hi all ~ My husband and I are to be stationed in Japan this month. We just found out that he will be leaving right after Easter but I won't be able to go for up to 5 months. We were having a great afternoon, but once the subject got brought up about what I was going to do over the summer (visit family, friends, or stay here...etc.) we got into a HUGE fight.

Every time we get into a fight, words get exchanged that need not be. I am in no way innocent of name-calling, etc. but my husband is even worse. Today, during our argument, he called me a "douche", "wacky", "jerk", and an "***". He also told me to "shut up" at least once or twice.

This INFURIATES me. Being called names just sets me off because to me, this is what men do when they want to control women. I can't stand it. I told him to not call me names and reminded him that I wasn't using any insulting words towards him and his response was "well, if you weren't being an *** then I wouldn't call you one".

I hate posting this one here because my husband is normally such a great guy and a very loving person, but once he is set off, I can't tolerate him.

After he threw his series of insults at me, I did the unthinkable - I threatened to file for divorce. I actually got in my car and left. Then I came back home headed straight for the computer to look up how to file for divorce. He kept telling me "Yeah as if you're really going to do that"....which only made me want to even more.

What am I supposed to do? I don't want to leave my husband because normally we are great together. We don't fight that often, but when we do, I can't stand to be around him.
Now, he's left the house (I'm assuming to go to the gym) and I don't know what to do. In fact, I'm freaking out a little. Please help and please pray for us.


#2

I hate to say this, but every couple I've ever seen act this way ended up divorced.

Based on this one post it seems you both take each other for granted and are acting horribly immature.


#3

[quote="SamH, post:2, topic:235903"]
I hate to say this, but every couple I've ever seen act this way ended up divorced.

[/quote]

That hasn't been my experience.

Based on this one post it seems you both take each other for granted and are acting horribly immature.

Absolutely.

Over time, comfort typically cause inhibitions to go away. That results in actions like what it being noted; bad behavior, name calling, etc. The husband and wife are treating each other in a manner that they would not treat anyone else.

Basically, both parties have to sit down and discuss their behavior first. It isn't easy, but both have to realize that will not always be "right," that they are part of a partnership, and that they will have a longer fuse. If this isn't done, then no other issues will be solved.

As an instant start, the OP has to refrain from yelling and other bad behavior immediately, regardless of the husband's behavior, since it accomplishes nothing.


#4

[quote="SamH, post:2, topic:235903"]
I hate to say this, but every couple I've ever seen act this way ended up divorced.

Based on this one post it seems you both take each other for granted and are acting horribly immature.

[/quote]

1)That isn't what I've seen at all.

2) Look, in the heat of anger we've all said things that are stupid. Get a book on communication, have both of you read it. Marriage is tough (I'm a bachelor), but having these arguments is sometimes just a part of life.


#5

[quote="Warrior1979, post:3, topic:235903"]
That hasn't been my experience.

Absolutely.

Over time, comfort typically cause inhibitions to go away. That results in actions like what it being noted; bad behavior, name calling, etc. The husband and wife are treating each other in a manner that they would not treat anyone else.

Basically, both parties have to sit down and discuss their behavior first. It isn't easy, but both have to realize that will not always be "right," that they are part of a partnership, and that they will have a longer fuse. If this isn't done, then no other issues will be solved.

As an instant start, the OP has to refrain from yelling and other bad behavior immediately, regardless of the husband's behavior, since it accomplishes nothing.

[/quote]

Thank you for your response. I know I get mad and when I do, I get really mad. I don't know why. My parents had a very abusive marriage (divorced when I was 7 and happily married to other people now) and I don't know if that is why I am prone to do this.

I love my husband and the minute I settle down, I think "WHY IN THE WORLD DID I DO/SAY THAT?!?!!"

I've also sent a letter to his pastor. My husband was raised baptist and I remember when we went to premarital counseling his pastor made us agree to contact him if we were ever having marital issues.

Like I said, this doesn't happen often, but I can't stand it happening at all.
Thanks for your advice.


#6

[quote="PolishK, post:1, topic:235903"]
Hi- I threatened to file for divorce. I actually got in my car and left. Then I came back home headed straight for the computer to look up how to file for divorce. He kept telling me "Yeah as if you're really going to do that"....which only made me want to even more.
.

[/quote]

this word should never be spoken by any married person, you should never even think it, any more than murder would be on the table, this should never be introduced. It is toxic and drives a wedge big enough to drive a truck through.

do whatever you can to apologize, forgive and make up this breach.

you both are in desperate need of a class or counselling that teaches you how to fight fair and communicate.

is this really what you want to teach your children? you don't think they heard you? you are dreaming.

[quote="PolishK, post:5, topic:235903"]
Thank you for your response. I know I get mad and when I do, I get really mad. I don't know why. My parents had a very abusive marriage

[/quote]

believe me I know whereof I speak. If you don't deal witht he legacy of this abuse, and your own anger issues now, you will regret if for the rest of your life, and spend years apologizing to your children.


#7

[quote="Rascalking, post:4, topic:235903"]

2) Look, in the heat of anger we've all said things that are stupid. Get a book on communication, have both of you read it. .

[/quote]

Thank you, that's a good idea. Now we'll just have to see if he'll agree to do this. My husband is a very sensitive, emotional person but hates to admit it ::rolls eyes::.


#8

Well, I didn’t come here to get condemned. And, no, my children didn’t hear me. I DON’T HAVE CHILDREN. Why must you assume I do and don’t know what the effects on children are? I was a child of an abusive marriage.


#9

[quote="PolishK, post:8, topic:235903"]
Well, I didn't come here to get condemned. And, no, my children didn't hear me. I DON'T HAVE CHILDREN. Why must you assume I do and don't know what the effects on children are? I was a child of an abusive marriage.

[/quote]


#10

[quote="PolishK, post:5, topic:235903"]
Thank you for your response. I know I get mad and when I do, I get really mad. I don't know why. My parents had a very abusive marriage (divorced when I was 7 and happily married to other people now) and I don't know if that is why I am prone to do this.
.

[/quote]

I double down on what I posted earlier. Not that I wish that on you but as a warning as to how serious of a problem you face.


#11

[quote="PolishK, post:7, topic:235903"]
Thank you, that's a good idea. Now we'll just have to see if he'll agree to do this. My husband is a very sensitive, emotional person but hates to admit it ::rolls eyes::.

[/quote]

Your not perfect either. Remember that.


#12

When he looses his temper, resorts to name calling, immediately get up, walk away, don't argue, defend, or name call back, Don't threaten to get up either or wait through lots of name calling and such. Stand up immediately the first time he name calls, tell him he is being verbally abusive and that you are willing to discuss the matter at hand when he can be civil. Calmly walk away and out of the room. If he comes to you and says Ok he is calm and willing to talk then engage him in a civil conversation. if he follows you out of the room and continues to verbally assault you then say ok, I am leaving the house now and will be back in an hour.. I am willing to talk to you then if you can be civil. .You might calmly let him know this is what you plan on doing next time you are verbally assaulted. then if he resorts to name calling follow through with the plan.
Do that every single time he gets verbally aggressive, be consistent.


#13

[quote="Rascalking, post:11, topic:235903"]
Your not perfect either. Remember that.

[/quote]

I'm sure I actually admitted that in my OP.


#14

Thank you. That’s great advice. I truly appreciate it. Sometimes I get so mad when he name calls that I feel the need to let him know how much I hate it and then this heats up the argument so this advice might seem to prove beneficial in our relationship.

Thanks again!


#15

Well, with all due respect and gratitude for your response - my parents relationship was far beyond name calling. Their marriage was physically and emotionally abusive. I’m talking about hitting each other (mainly my father hitting my mother) and picking up whatever they could find and throwing it toward the other person. Whether it be pots, plates, glass, etc. My marriage is not the marriage of my parents - believe me.


#16

[quote="PolishK, post:13, topic:235903"]
I'm sure I actually admitted that in my OP.

[/quote]

Oh, I know-I misread your OP. My bad.


#17

We are all human and we have all acted badly toward those we love. My husband and I are preparing to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in 68 days so, I think I can offer you some sound advice. We also lived in Japan for 3 years, during which time his ship was out to sea for 9 months straight and we were unable to communicate in any way until the ship pulled into ports. In other words - we knew stress. We raised 4 children. There is a book called The Love Dare book. In paperback it is fairly cheap. There is also a book called Night Light by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson. For 25 years we have read a 'chapter' (they are 2-3 pages long) otherwise known as a 'day' in the book. We read the chapter out loud, one of us reads to the other. Sometimes we take turns and sometimes we don't. To expect to be able to truly do this 7 days/week is unrealistic but, we do it at least 4 times a week, usually before dinner. And then we discuss it. And, it works. We have also set 'rules' for fighting. We both agreed on the rules. One of those rules of course is to never use the 'D' word. Ever. Our rules have worked. Over the years, with practice and mistakes, we have succeeded. Don't ever give up. And, "pray without ceasing'. Get the books; ask your husband if you are worth it, if your marriage is worth it; and then DO IT. You are in my prayers.:gopray2:


#18

Two suggestions:

  1. Individual counseling. Obviously, you want someone who will respect (even if they don’t necessarily subscribe to) your beliefs, but you do want someone who can help you re-train your thinking to change how you respond to the situation. Regardless of anything else that happens, this will be of immense value to you in every other facet of your future life.

  2. Marriage counseling. Same caveat as above regarding respect for Catholic beliefs (they don’t have to be Catholic, but you don’t want anyone who will suggest things that are off the table because they are contrary to Catholic belief/practice.

Redroselover’s suggestion is also a very good one.


#19

Polisk, Because your parents relationship was so abusive you may not recognize that calling you a douch bag and such is abusive because it is much less than what you witnessed. / Don’t tolerate this, don’t threaten divorce either, and remember you are not to engage in verbally abusive language either. Model for him self control. The message you want to get across is that you are willing to sit down and discuss things calmly and rationally. , but are not willing to subject yourself to abuse,. .


#20

[quote="redroselover, post:12, topic:235903"]
When he looses his temper, resorts to name calling, immediately get up, walk away, don't argue, defend, or name call back, Don't threaten to get up either or wait through lots of name calling and such. Stand up immediately the first time he name calls, tell him he is being verbally abusive and that you are willing to discuss the matter at hand when he can be civil. Calmly walk away and out of the room. If he comes to you and says Ok he is calm and willing to talk then engage him in a civil conversation. if he follows you out of the room and continues to verbally assault you then say ok, I am leaving the house now and will be back in an hour.. I am willing to talk to you then if you can be civil. .You might calmly let him know this is what you plan on doing next time you are verbally assaulted. then if he resorts to name calling follow through with the plan.
Do that every single time he gets verbally aggressive, be consistent.

[/quote]

I like this advice. It seems very wise. Don't engage with him when the abuse starts. Give him time to cool off. Give yourself time/space to cool off too.

But like a previous poster said, "divorce" is not a word you should use. While your husband has been inexcusably verbally abusive towards you, I'd suggest that by talking about divorce you've been equally verbally abusive. When you've both calmed down, you need to apologise to him, just as he ought to apologise to you. Find a time, when you're both calm, to discuss what happens when you argue and try to agree on a framework to keep it from escalating. You may need help in setting that framework, which is where communication books/resources may help.


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