me and my husband started out liberal with no catholic upbringing.
a couple of years after we got married a major event in my life led me to catholicism and my conversion. he was fine with this . he also allowed our children to be baptized . there seemed to be no problem but i did hope for his conversion.
now, a couple of years after that, things have changed. we dont see eye to eye on most things:
i recently found out that we cant be intimate in the same ways we used to be. we are about to have our 5th child and he doesnt want any more b/c this will be our 5th child in 7 years. (i already had 1 before we were married, and our 1st we conceived before marriage) he’s concerned about our finances and my health. the rhythm method doesnt biologically work for us. he strongly thinks we should use birth control in the future, which i will not, and i’m concerned that if we stop being intimate all together he will not have as much of a reason to stay faithful as me. he will be justified to go out and cheat by his familys and societys standards.
he doesnt enjoy time spent with me, i cant participate in alot of the things he likes to do. i lost most of my friends b/c of my change in beliefs and lifestyle and he thinks instead of him spending more time with me, that i should get a job and make friends. i have to nag him to come home from work and spend time with the kids. i married for his companionship and was willing to experience anything else that came along with it. now i have everything but the companionship.
christmastime i became overwhelmed. i cant remember why i missed mass the sunday before christmas. but i never missed mass unless it was absolutely necessary. twice a year if that. christmas morning when i got up to go to mass he told me we couldnt b/c he forgot to go to the bank and we didnt have money for gas (we live waaay out). so i wasnt able to go to mass on christmas. major disappointment. the next sunday he turned the alarm off and i slept through mass. the sunday after that i think it was that i told him to set the alarm so i could get up for mass, and he “forgot”. after that i for some reason decided not to go for a while. i missed mass for about a month and a half. i think i was trying to be less catholic to rekindle our relationship. over that time our relationship got worse and worse, as it had been, but increasingly so. i cried almost every night. theres alot that went on that i wont go into for lack of time. i thought we were heading for a seperation or something. we wouldnt even sleep in the same bed, all talk was critical of eachother, u get the idea.
last week one of our kids got really sick. like hospital sick. he didnt come to the hospital cause i was already there and he didnt feel like it would be worth finding a babysitter to be there with us because i was already there and so we both didnt need to be there. sure, i was there for our child, but the whole time i was fighting back tears with all my strength so that i wouldnt scare the kid. i’ve never been so afraid and alone. our son kept waking up at night in the hospital and looking at the clock saying “dad will be here soon!” because i had told him all day that he would be, and that i’d wake him when he got there. he called at midnight to tell us he wasnt coming. i never imagined that he would leave us alone like this. we live in a different state than any family so we were completely alone.
then the guilt set in. how could i have turned my back on God, who has never ever turned his back on me or my children… for someone who constantly turns his back on me?? i prayed and cried all night and all the next day in the hospital. now i feel a major change and i am trying to recommit myself to God.
i am TERRIFIED of going to confession although i know it will lighten my load tremendously.
i dont know what to do about my marriage. it seems hopeless. i need my family, i love my husband. i need God, i cant express how much. my devotion to my family and my devotion to God rely on eachother in many ways but they conflict sooo much. i have no idea how to be the wife and the Catholic i need to be, at the same time. i have no idea how to address the intimacy issues, the lack of shared interests and beliefs in my marriage, the feeling like i am being unfair to my husband for indirectly making him sacrifice unwillingly for a religion he doesnt even subscribe to… i dont even have the slightest clue what my kids might be going through right now. theres so many issues to address here.
if i see a priest as a marriage counselor, he’ll feel it’s bias. if i see a psychologist, i feel it would be unsympathetic to my religious beliefs.
ANY help, advice, critique, support, common stories, ANYTHING might be helpful to me right now.
THANK YOU for reading this far. and TYVM in advance for any insight.