For the last year or so, I’ve been courted by a wonderful, very Catholic, deeply spiritual young man. I believe that God’s love has drawn us together, as that is the foundation of a healthy Catholic marriage. Both of us met on CatholicMatch.com and have gone out multiple times, both by ourselves and with his friends. There’s just a couple of small…no, make that rather large obstacles in the way.
The first is the high level of dysfunction in my family (if that makes any sense). Over time, as we’ve gotten to know each other better, I opened up to him about my work healing from an abusive childhood and young adulthood, as well as the kind of problems that my parents, especially, create. Better to be forthright with him, I believed, than to lie or say nothing and he would find out the truth later on, thereby being hurt far worse. As much as I want to introduce him to my family, I have a degree of anxiety about it because of what I have revealed to him already; if he gets to observe their real behavior, not just a show they put on for him to make it appear as though they’re completely normal and have no problems at all, I fear it will scare him away and our relationship will end soon thereafter.
The second is on his part. Although I have done my best to be careful in discerning marriage as my vocation, the young man I’m seeing has said he hasn’t prayed very much for clarity about whether or not he’s supposed to be married. In thinking about this, I’m not certain if this is an indication that I may be in another dead-end relationship, as this could be his way of making himself “unavailable” to me as far as moving ahead towards engagement and marriage, if that is where God wants to lead us. He has spoken about his worries in regards to not being able to provide for a wife and family, let alone a wedding, because he has a job that doesn’t pay very well.
Rather than worry and obsess over these things, I am trying to surrender this to God and ask for His direction. After all, He knows everything that will happen to us and has a perfect plan in mind for both of us, even if we do eventually get married but not to each other. It’s not always easy, as I’ve been in difficult relationships in the past, with men who were “unavailable” in some way, shape, or form. At times I wonder if I keep seeking men who are like my dad, “unavailable” emotionally and/or because of other obligations in their life instead of really looking for the “right” person whom God may actually want me to marry.