Marriage Problems.

My wife doesn’t love me anymore.

She doesn’t want to be with me but will stay because of the children.

She says the gap between us is getting bigger and bigger and that I irritate her more and more everyday.

I said I wanted the gap to be smaller between us and she said it would be difficult.

I asked if she wanted us to be closer again and she said she doesn’t know.

She says she will just live with me unhappy and that I won’t change.

I asked her what it was that annoys her and she said who I was, my lack of manners and my lack of education.

She said her biggest nightmare was that our children would turn out like me.

She says she has been unhappy for a long time.

Up until a few days ago everything was fine between us and all of a sudden she is saying this stuff to me.
I know I can be annoying sometimes but so is she and everybody else out there. She always knew about my education, I never pretended to have a degree or anything. We both work, I do most of the housework, I spend more time looking after our children so its not like I sit there all day drinking beer whilst she does everything.
I know we probably don’t talk to each other as much as other couples but what is there to talk about other than the children? I know she doesn’t like it when I wear a hat outside but it is cold and I don’t have much hair left (a hat that her mother bought for me).

I love her so much but wouldn’t want us all to live unhappy until the children are older.
We are both in our 30’s and have been together less than ten years.

We need help but counselling would be no good as I know she would say we don’t need it because she can tell me what I do that’s wrong.

Thankyou.
:frowning:

Love always requires a transcendent 3rd. You need something that both you and your wife are in love with besides each other. May I suggest God?

Everything probably wasn’t fine. You just weren’t as aware of the problems in your marriage until your wife very bluntly explained them to you. Now, you have to choose to either fight for your relationship or just simply let it decay while the children grow.

Your wife may be seeing the negative about you, but I’m sure you have good traits or she wouldn’t have married you in the first place. Try to remember the things you used to do with/to/for her. Bring those things back into your lives. Also, remind her as humbly as possible that you help with the house and kids and that you aren’t out carousing after work, but home where you belong. A lot of men don’t do that. Point out that you are a good, loyal, faithful, loving husband and father. Some women would give their left arms to have one of those.

Distance because you don’t go out alone together on “date nights” or talk about things other than the household and kids is fairly common. There’s a cure for it, though! You need to spend time alone together and to do things separately so that you have something to talk about when you are spending that couple time together. Get a life, in other words. :wink:

The internet is a vast place where you can find pretty much anything you’re looking for. Going online is a great way to research interests and find clubs or groups locally that share those interests. Either discover a solo hobby or join a group or club. Encourage your wife to do the same. That would help you two to have something to talk about. You could also volunteer for the Church or a secular community organization for more food for conversation. And, of course, talk to her about your day at work.

My husband and I were in a nothing to talk about but the kids and dogs funk. My husband started going to Mass for the first time in 20 years and we began watching videos of lectures and documentaries about the Church and Catholicism on Youtube. We grew closer because we were able to have lively discussions and debates. Maybe the same would work for you.

If she dislikes the hat you wear, even if her mom did pick it, have her come with you to buy something that she doesn’t mind seeing you in. Maybe even consider revamping your whole style of dress. Update your look and see if she finds you more appealing.

There is no reason you’d have to live together unhappily. You love her. She probably loves you, too, and just isn’t feeling it right now. Make changes, be positive, work hard at saving your marriage. Yes, it takes time. Yes, it isn’t easy. But it is worth it.

Talk to her about counseling. Don’t just assume she’d say you don’t need it. And don’t let her assume that it’s all you. Help her understand the value of having someone to guide you both. If you’re going to be staying together for the sake of the kids, might as well do everything you can to repair the marriage and make that time happy!

Praying for your family. Seek counseling services and speak with your priest.

Can you pray the Rosary daily? If your children are old enough to know how to pray then pray it with them daily and if not pray it yourself! Im sure if you do this all the problems will be solved, you will see. Just start praying , have some confidence in God and Mary’s intercession and give it some time.
And try to be nice with your wife , try to avoid fighting with her even if you are right… and ask advice from a priest.

Praying for you

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.
Amen.

O thou our advocate ,Blessed Virgin Mary, turn on us those Pitying eyes of Thine!

If your education comes up, tell your wife that an American on the internet says that your English is excellent (and I’m a former English as a Second Language teacher–I’m not just flattering you_. If your kids grow up to be just like you in that respect, you will have done a lot for them.

Your wife sounds depressed–note that she is refusing to believe that her life could be better or that you could be better.

Yes, I agree that your wife sounds depressed. Note that you said she making the gap smaller would be “difficult” not impossible. It sounds to me that she may have given up hope in being happy/happier and is resigning herself to a marriage that is mediocre. :frowning: Often times marriages have ups and downs, and she may be feeling as if the “downs” are too repetitive, too constant and things will always be like they are. She wants more from you and doesn’t feel like you can give it. Don’t dwell on the education comment. When someone is depressed, they often deflect true feelings and focus on little irritations. Also, a father is more than a fill-in-mom. Looking after the children is wonderful, but don’t do it as a substitute. Do it as a father fulfilling his role, not as someone taking over his wife’s role.

Here are two books I’d like to recommend:
amazon.com/Father-Family-Protector-James-Stenson/dp/1594170339
(for you)
and
amazon.com/Compass-A-Handbook-Parent-Leadership/dp/1594170002/ref=pd_sim_b_2

They are not relationship mending books, but rather books to understand roles of parents. The second would be a good book for the two of you to read together and discuss. This would give you the opportunity to talk to your wife in a deeper more meaningful way and also show your intelligent, thoughtful side that your wife seems to be missing.

Perhaps she just misses the “you” she knew when she married you??

sounds like a selfish person-- oh I don’t love you anymore?

It’s an excuse to start doing whatever one pleases. Selfish.

Education? Why can’t this person educate themselves in commitment?

Hormones?

Certain times of the month I don’t like my husband very much, but it’s my hormones not him.

Ask her about counseling, please don’t just assume you know how she feels or what she wants or what she’ll say (it irritates the heck out of me when my husband does that!). She might initially refuse counseling, and then later, change her mind–or not. But even if she refuses to go to counseling, it might be worth you going alone if you can afford to do so.

As someone else mentioned, remember what you did when you were courting her. What were the things that drew her closer to you then? It might be that you listened to her without interrupting and trying to solve the problem; or that you brought her little gifts; or that you spent plenty of time with her; or that you often had deep, interesting conversations together; or that you held her close when she was upset; or that you complimented her often or encouraged her when she felt inadequate… or whatever it was. If she has regularly or specifically mentioned things you used to do for her, or things you two used to do together, or often complains about something you don’t do anymore, pay special attention to that. Do those things again.

Does she spend time, with friends or on her own, outside the house? It’s possible that it’s not really you in whom she’s disappointed, but she could be projecting her feelings of restlessness onto you. I’m not saying it is the case, but it could be part of it. If so, then if she can enjoy a hobby, take a class, go to the gym, or whatever helps her feel better about herself, giving her a sense of accomplishment or mental stimulation once or twice a week, try to give her room to do that. The hard part for many women is to be able to do it without feeling guilty for it. :o

Also, have you considered a Retrouvaille weekend? Check it out, and if it’s possible for you two to go, see if she’ll agree to a weekend.

I’d also suggest a few books for you:

The Five Love Languages – since you are doing a lot of chores around the house, it sounds like you’re probably using Acts of Service to express love, and since she is unhappy, that is probably not her Love Language. If I’m correct, you might even be able to drop some of those chores, or do them less often and use that same amount of time and effort to make her feel more loved and happier! For instance, detailing and washing my car and filling the tank might seem to my husband a really loving thing to do… but would be something I would barely even notice–and usually I’d just assume he got tired of seeing it messy. It wouldn’t make me feel loved. Now, if he took that same loving intent, time and energy, and took me out for a “date night,” I’d be thrilled–I mean, I’d be thinking, “Who cares if my car is filthy? My husband LOVES me!” :smiley:
If she’s willing to take the “quiz” in the book (or on the website) that will help you, but if she’s not, the book gives other ways you can figure out her love language without her direct input.

For Men Only – the only negative thing I have to say, from a woman’s point of view, is that some of the men I’ve known tend to take what this book says about “most” women, and apply it to their own wives without discretion. So, please remember that your wife is an individual, special, and not exactly like any other woman in the world; this also means she may be in the minority on a few of those survey questions, so keep that in mind. That said, I still highly recommend the book. :wink:

The Love Dare – this one, I have not yet read myself, but have heard great things about it. I don’t know if the book itself is necessary, but the concept–investing yourself, your time, money, and energy, and doing something loving daily that is specifically meant for your spouse–is a sound one. :thumbsup:

Hope something in here helps. I will pray for you both.

when she refers to Education —probably she is not referring to ACADEMIC EDUCATION.

She is probably referring to your behavior.

Do you say please when you ask for something to be done.

Do you say Thank You

Do you compliment and acknowledge her as a wife and as a mom

Do you take her out once in a while

God bless !

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