Marriage question


#1

Hello everyone. I am new to this forum and have a question regarding what to make of this matter I’m struggling to deal with. Firstly I’m a newlywed. My husband is a convert to the Catholic Church. Before he met me, he lived a pretty openly sinful life. Then, he was blessed with the gace to “become a new man” in Christ Jesus. Before we began dating, he was pretty open with me about his past. Recently though I’ve been plagued with the thought that he was intimate for many years with another woman (cohabitating and all that). That lifestyle was all way before we met and before he became a Christian. He never lied to me about any of that but I never really questioned it because I didn’t want to “bring up the past,” which he renounced. I have a sinful past too but just not the same as his (he’s been the only man for me)and I’m finding it hard to not think of the fact that he touched another woman like that. I am jealous of her. NOt because he is still attracted to her or even in contact with her but just b/c she was his first love. I’m trying to overcome these feelings but I don’t know how to deal with it exactly. I mean guess what’s bothering me the most is the fact that he actually asked her to marry him but he never told me about it. I found out from one of his friends. He always told me before that they were just young pagans living a pagan lifestyle but it wasn’t really all that serious and she means nothing to him compared to what he now has with me. His friend actually told me that they were planning to get hitched only the year before we met. I mean I knew when we began dating that he recently (the year before) broke up with his longtime g/f but I never knew that the reason they broke up was ultimately because she refused to marry him. I am wondering now if I’m like the rebound lady. Yet all in all he hasn’t given me any reason to be jealous. He doesn’t compare me to her. He doesn’t contact her. And he’s such an understanding adn good husband. When I talk with my other married g/fs, they tell me I am so blessed with such a great husband. He really is a rare find. That’s why it bothers me even more that I’m feeling this resentment toward his ex-g/f. I don’t even know her and he’s given me no reason to worry about any of this. It’s just my jealousy. That’s what I need help on. How do I overcome this jealousy? How do I rid my heart and mind of these thoughts???

Can anyone give me some advice? I have been praying about it but these thoughts just continuously begin to pop into my head.


#2

I know that most people would say don’t even think about such things, but for me…I would want to talk about it, to know about it enough that it isn’t some big mystery. I would feel better knowing what really was there, rather than filling in the blanks with my imagination. When it comes down to it though…even if he was in love with her and wanted to marry her…she wasn’t the right person for him because she didn’t value him. I think for me, I would feel closer to my husband knowing that he had experienced that kind of hurt and loss before, and would want to make it up to him by valuing and loving him the way that he deserved to be loved. Just, when all of these thoughts torture you, stop making them be about your feelings of insecurity and start thinking about your husband and how it must be for him. I think you will find the peace you need if you look at it from that perspective.


#3

Hi & welcome. This all sounds pretty normal and understandable. The good news is you have lots of things going for you. Your husband sounds like a pretty good egg and that you are happy together.

The glitch that seems to be clouding your bliss and causing some looks into the rear view mirror seems not just the fact that your husband was intimate with another woman before you, but that he actually asked her to marry him and didn’t share this fact with you, and this info then came to you through other people.

I think it is possible that he didn’t share this to spare your feelings, though this was arguably an error in judgement and he probably should have 'fessed up (if nothing else to avoid just this situation!) If the woman never accepted his proposal and they were never formally engaged, it is not unreasonable that he believed it was not something he needed to disclose either to protect his own ego or your feelings.

However, knowing what you now know, it is entirely fair for you to approach him, but not attack him. Let him know what you know and that it hurt you to have learned this from someone else. He should also hear that it has caused you doubts that could have been avoided had he been more open with you. If he’s the good man he sounds like, he’ll feel terrible, apologize, reassure you…and you **will **forgive him and let it go–meaning you won’t bring it up anymore, pout about it, or hold it against him for even a minute–and he’ll be even more convinced he picked the right girl!!.

Good luck! :wink:


#4

Well, I was a party guy, too… I was even married before. :blush: But I converted. And I love my present wife unconditionally. (not that I don’t get irritated sometimes) Key here is that you KNEW who you were marrying. Not that it’s easy to forget what you know. (Sometimes I wish I had not told my DW so much because of the pain it caused her.) You married the man he is today. He can not change his past. He is what he has become. He and you should thank God for his conversion and celebrate it. Scripture tells us that prodical son’s are important, too, in God’s eyes!

He should have confessed his past when he became Catholic. (IF not, it’s not too, late - from personal experience:o ) Once God forgave him, one should not try to hold his past against him.


#5

Thanks for all the responses and advice. I’m getting past the marriage thing but I do still hate the idea of him being intimate with someone else like that. But I guess the past is past and we’re supposed to live for the present and future so it’ll just take me some time to stop thinking these thoughts. I think satan is pestering me with them and trying to upset my marriage. I have to fight that and realize he married me and loves me for me. Thanks again.


#6

I was watching a show yesterday morning, I think the Early Show, anyway, they were talking about how men and women remember things differently.

The example they showed was a man and woman recounting their wedding day:

This is how the man recalled it: I met her at the church, we got married, we went to the reception, we left for our honeymoon.

This is how the woman recalled it: I woke up at 4am, took a shower, sat and drank tea with my mother and cried for an hour with mom, went to Betty’s hair salon and had my hair done, twice because I didn’t like the way it looked the first time, I went back home, laid out my wedding dress, thought about how my life was changing…(about 20 other things and emotions)…went to the church, my dad walked me down the isle…(a few other things)…cried, my dress caught on fire as we were lighting the unity candle…(more information and feelings)…at the reception we ate ________, we cut the cake at __'o’clock…(more and more detail with what she felt)

OK, so basically what this tells you, men and women remember things differently. Us women attach A LOT more feeling to what we remember and how we remember it. We are programed that way, by God, and I am sure he had a great reason for it.

I totally agree with this. I don’t think that he didn’t tell you, I think he probably does not recall it like someone else did. It is a fact that us women need to understand and accept!!

After I saw this, I asked my husband what he remembers from our wedding day, we were married 2.5 years ago. His answer was about the same as the mans in the interview.

I am going to be one that says, let it go. I guarantee you in a couple more years of marriage, you will have soooo many more things to worry about you will understand this is not worth pondering over.

I am REALLY sorry if this sounds harsh. I don’t mean to lessen how you feel. I am just hoping to give you a different viewpoint.


#7

lizzy-bird–hello! Wow, reading your thread, I could have written it during my first year of marriage.:o I totally know your thoughts on this. My husband had a ‘colorful’ past, which I did not question all that much during our courtship. He NEVER brought it up, ever. He is roughly 10 years older than me, and I knew he had lived with another woman. Nothing seemed to bother me about this, I didn’t think it ever would.

Then, one day out of the blue, I started thinking about his past. The woman he lived with, and ‘others.’ I started asking more ‘details’ and he would get angry. He said…‘why are you asking me about women I dated and haven’t seen in years? I don’t ask you about your past.’ (but I didn’t have a sexual past, although I had a healthy dating past) Over about 6 months of this bickering, I decided that what my problem was, was really internal. I potentially lacked trust in my marriage. That was a hard realization–but I guess I figured that I would lose him to another woman. (I had issues with loss due to losing my parents early on in my childhood) My husband was actually living a chaste lifestyle prior to meeting me–but I kept clinging to the thoughts of how he might have ‘felt’ with these other women. (Was he comparing me, if you know what I mean here, to them):o Finally–through prayer and talks with some friends, I realized that my fears were not justified–and that I needed to trust my husband for THE MAN HE IS WITH ME. And not look back into a past that will never be accurate and only distorted in my mind, because I did not know him back then. My husband was angry in part–because he had shame over being with several women before marriage. I guess I thought he was angry because he had something to hide–another flaw on my part.:blush:

Now, I don’t even think about these women…doesn’t even cross my mind. I just wanted to share this with you, because you too will get past this. Just seek inside of yourself as to potentially why you could be allowing this to eat at you–and you will be able to deal with it. Until we know the ‘why’ of doing something negative, we can’t make it better. Blessings for a long, healthy, and holy marriage!:hug1:


#8

I have recommended this beautiful song several times here at CAF. The lyrics are very wise and very helpful to people who are trying to get beyond their past and the pasts of others. God does write straight with crooked lines. Quit trying to take the pen out of HIS hand. You can’t control how he felt about other people long ago. But you can control how you treat him now. Sometimes Satan doesn’t like conversions and happiness and peace. So he inserts thoughts into people’s heads to disrupt that peace. Be wary of this. Focus on your husband and who he is now. :wink:

RASCAL FLATTS LYRICS

“Bless The Broken Road”

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you

[Chorus:]
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true

[Chorus]

Now I’m just rolling home
Into my lover’s arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.


#9

I:heart: Rascall Flatts…thanks for sharing this Liberano!


#10

My only suggestion (because you have lots of good ones here already) would be to stop feeding it. You are feeding this beast by continuing to dwell on it. Stop feeding it and soon it will die. Along with talking to him, etc. - starving a beast like this will help it go away much faster.

God’s Blessings on your marriage!

~Liza


#11

I have felt the same way in my marriage, you’re not the only one. I’ve been married for 1 yr 10 months. I still think about it sometimes. And yes, it hurts to think DH was intimate with other women before being married to me, and it hurts more to have learned from someone else that DH got his heart broken and was supposed to get married to someone else. But like your DH, mine had been chaste for a while, I think for 1.5 yrs when we met.

You fell in love with him for who he is now, not because of who he was then. It’s hard to let go of those feelings, but all that is insecurity. Don’t worry, he MARRIED YOU, and he loves you. He’s a different man now than he was then. My DH went out with 2-3 girls at a time, and had relations with other women. I hate the fact that he did. It hurts me a lot when I think about it, because that was supposed to be for me, but he didn’t even know me then, so it’s not for you to question that at all. Your DH had a life before he knew you, he found Christ and then he met you. What a wonderful thing! He met you after he found our Lord and repented of his ways.

My Dh isn’t Catholic, but he had re-discovered his religion and decided God was worth more than pre-marital sex. Like I told you above, it hurts to think about those things. Unlike others have told you here, I’m going to tell you, don’t ask things about his past, they will only hurt you more. I made the mistake of asking him things about his past relationships only to end up with such heartache that I regretted asing him. I found out (from his own mouth at a marriage retreat) he was intimate with a married 18 yr old girl when he was 15. That hurt like heck. It changed my view of him, but you know, that was his past and he’s a different man now. He’s a loving husband, he provides, he loves me, he’s a good man. His past is his past. Heck, I was engaged before I met DH, the only difference is that I didn’t want to be engaged to that guy, he had a panic attack when I said no, so I felt obligated to say yes. DH knows that, but he knows he wasn’t the one for me. Try and think that way about your DH and that gf he had then. She wasn’t the one for him, YOU ARE.


#12

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