marriage situation


#1

Hi everyone, some of you may recall that I have been having a problem with my marriage. I have asked for prayers in the prayer section, and I have to admit that it seems that things are moving foward little by little. My wife is not curt like she was before, we have not argued in a long time, we try to talk about things more now. It still hurts me that I very much desire to give her my love and to receive hers, I feel the need to love and be loved. I have this great feeling within me that I just want to let out and give to her. My desire is not sexual at all, even though there are times that I desire to be with her, I wish I could hug her and tell her how much I love her and miss her, but I can’t at this point in our relationship because she still feel cold toward me. She has told me herself that she wants to put that feeling aside and let us be a “married” couple, but she can’t because that feeling is present. I don’t blame her, I know that this was because of the bad decisions that I have in the past with our relationship. I asked her before that I think that we should both attend retrouvaille, but she declined. She told me to do what she has and leave everything in God’s hands. I have prayed for the healing of my marriage, but one day there was a thought within me that came. I felt that it was not fair, per se, to leave everything to God. I felt that there was something that I need to do to amend the wrong doings. I continued to pray and I finally got an answer from Him. I need to win over her love again. I asked God to help me discern if this was what he wanted and that same night I got my answer. So this is what I have been doing since last Thursday. I also remembered what she told me about a month ago that why can’t I do what I did when we were going out to win her over again. So this is my situation at this time. I still ask for prayers during this time and any suggestions will be greatly appreciated as well.


#2

A resource I’d recommend checking out in your situation is divorcebusting.com

Rebuilding is a hard thing, and there is an art to it. It sounds like things are at least a little better, if perhaps even more maddening for you.


#3

Well if more men thought like you when they did wrong things we would have a lot more happy wives! How wonderful that you want so badly to please her. I don’t know what it was that you did but the constant reassurance that it will never happen again is something us women need.
From my point of view, to feel like we are the most important people in our husband’s lives matters a lot to us.
Your wife seems to need some of the romancing you had in the beginning of your relationship. That should make it easier for you!
Flowers are good!
Time alone together, a weekend away. Going to Adoration together is a sure sign that you are a committed husband. Sounds like you are on the right track! Good on you!
You don’t seem to need any help or advice, just make her feel like a queen and you will win her love back. Oh, and never give her any reason to mistrust you again…
God bless


#4

Hi everyone, I desperately need your advise, I have no where else to turn except to God. I made a terrible mistake about how I wanted to win over my wife, because I was afraid of being shot down, and rejected; I decided to send her anonymous text messages. My plan was to give her little hints that it was me, but it failed. She was upset and thought I was playing with her, and I told her that my intention was not to play with her, but to let her know that it was me all along. This occured last Friday. Sunday, I finally told her that I was not going to fight for our marriage anymore. I was going to let things as they are and I just want us to get along with each other. I also told her that if she wants us to live like roommates, then so be it. I also told her that I will keep the feelings I have for her in me, even though it hurts me that I do not have her love and that I can not show it to her, I am not going to do anything. I also told her that not even her mother, the marriage group we use to belong to, my parents, our a priest will fix our marraige, but only God will. I told her that I will let God do his will and not mine. I also told her that I will dedicate all my time and effort to our children. You may ask why I said roommate right? She has been sleeping in our kids room since about 2 months ago. I fell into a state of resignation that things are not going to be well anymore. I have felt dissapointed about the whole situation, but I do not blame God or anyone else. I felt that I will never have her love any more, and until today I have felt passive about our situation. Today I went to church to visit our Lord in the tabernacle, and I prayed to Him to lighten my way and for things to be as He wants them to be. I left church, and then I started to feel greif again, I felt the anxiety that I need her, that I want to give her my love and receive hers. Up until today I have felt passive about not having her love, and now it is tormenting me inside because I don’t have it. I don’t know what to do anymore. Many people have suggested for me to seperate, but I don’t even know if this is even God’s will. I need your help with advice and prayers so I can listen to God’s voice so He can show me the way and what He wants from our marriage.

Thank you all.


#5

Please don’t give up. Do all those things that you were doing to win back her love. Sometimes women want to be won over more than they let on but they let their hurt feelings get in the way. If you love her, don’t give up even if it takes a year of trying. She needs to know she is loved and that you will try no matter what. Sometimes the turning point is just around the corner and we give up too soon.
I bet that she is in the other room at night, wishing so much to be close to you, wishing to feel your love again but then she comes back to her feelings of hurt.
I know I have felt this when I have argued with my husband.
Its almost that she may feel she has to punish you for your ‘bad decisions’ until she feels you have changed your ways but in the meantime she is punishing herself as well.
A few weeks ago you said you needed to win back her love and now you are giving up? Maybe you’re just a little too impatient and want to see results straight away. You cannot be ‘good’ for a little while and expect her to believe things are different. And you’re attitude is that you are not getting ‘your reward’ or it’s not working, but you need to give it time and not expect anything in return.
Give her love, treat her with kindness and gentleness just as if you were getting it in return.
I don’t mean to preach but please keep trying.
God bless. I will pray for your marriage.


#6

Thank you Jules, it seems that you are the voice of hope for me during these times. I really appreciate your response. I know it seems that I am giving up too easily; I have been struggling with this situation since last September when we attended a marriage retreat. A month later things started to go down hill again. My wife stopped going to mass, she was being cold toward me and being curt. She has told me that she wants nothing to do with love and men, to her, all men are the same. She told me she does not feel anything toward me anymore and she only feels cold toward me. She also told me that she doesn’t want to be hurt anymore, and is afraid of me messing up again. This is the reason why she does not want to give me another chance to show her things are diffrent with me. I will admit that things are diffrent now then when things started to go bad. Now we can talk more easily and get along well. But she only wants us to be friends and nothing more. There are some times that she kisses me goodbye on the cheek when she leaves to work. I guess you are right that I should not give up, I just don’t want to fall into depression all over again, I don’t want to be hurt anymore.


#7

I know this is a silly question but have you asked her exactly what would make her feel better?

It seems odd that she’s decided that she wants to leave everything in God’s hands but won’t attend Church. Maybe you should ask her to focus on the children. What kind of message is this giving them? Things go bad, stop going to Church. Things go bad, move into a different room. Not the greatest of messages. Does she really want to teach them how to further be miserable? Probably not but she might just not have thought about it.

I’m not sure why you “messed up” but usually it isn’t simply the fault of one person but the fault of two people not getting what they want and one of them looking elsewhere for it. It’s a purely pshycology book but I really like “The Five Love Languages”. If you can’t convey you love in a method that resounds with your spouse, then eventually it leads to bad feelings.


#8

Yes I have asked her that question, and she told me to be alone. She stopped attending church because she said she felt like a hypocrite, going to church and knowing that she does not feel anything for me anymore. She has told me that feels guilty knowing that we got married and took our vows before God and then breaking them with not loving me anymore. The last time we talked, last friday to be exact, she told me she does not care anymore if I love her or not, if I treat her good or not. She has given up all together with our marriage and therefore has left everything in God’s hands. She said that if God wants us to be living together then so be it. But concerning our relationship, she is not doing anything to make it better, she just wants us to be friends. This is why I felt resignation that things are not going to be turn out any better. I really don’t know what to do at times. I feel like just giving up and let things roll, but then again, I feel like I should just keep on trying in face of the things my wife has told me.


#9

Rivera, I really feel that she is just so hurt that she is protecting herself. I had terrible problems in my marriage. I had, this January told my husband that I had given up and that I wanted nothing more to do with him. He just kept telling me that he loved me and that we were married and he would never give up.
Maybe she needs to hear that. Say to her, ‘you may have given up but I never will, you may not care but I do. I made a vow before God, I intend to keep. God will help us. God will show me the way…’ or something like that. Keep sounding very confident that very soon, you will have the happy marriage that you both want to have. Be overly confident. If she feels that she can count on you, if you are sure, she will be able to let her guard down.
Tell her, that even if she may not feel love for you now, that you will make her love you again by doing everything in your power to make that happen.
Be sure about it.
Act as if it’s a given. It will happen.
I know from experience, it is hard to resist this for ever.
Keep being positive, but not smug. If you’re smug she just may get annoyed enough to prove you wrong.
Positive but humble. Keep talking about God’s will and God’s grace for marriage.
And patient. Don’t push her, don’t force her to respond when she is not ready to. Just gently keep reassuring her that when she is ready to take a step forward, you’ll be there, waiting. A bit like the prodigal son.
My husband was gentle, patient but sure that because we were married under God, that He would find a way. For 3 months I told him over and over that there was no hope and that he should get on with his life without me. Over time my resolve to end it lessened and my heart softened as he just hoped and waited. At one time I really had been so hurt that I felt I did not love him either. But I had turned it all off, that was all.
Anyway, love is a decision, not a feeling. She has to decide to love you again, she promised to.
She is so hurt that she is in fear of being hurt again but she is nuturing those hurt feelings. She needs to be able to get over that huge mountain and let it go. It will be easy from there.
I will make you and your wife my priority in prayer. I really feel as if I understand where she is coming from and I so hope you two will succeed.
God bless you.


#10

Thank you very much Jules, just from reading your response it almost brought tears to my eyes and a knot in my throat. It sounds like your situation and feelings are almost the same as my wife’s. I promise you that I will not give up. You have given me the hope and confidence to keep on trying. I really appreciate the words that you have given me. I am going to practice what you have told me and ask for God’s guidance in our marriage. May God bless you in your marriage as well.


#11

Good for you! She probably does not want you to give up either. Don’t give up on your wife, God will never give up on you and I will say the rosary for you right now. Your story has touched me so much. I know exactly where you are.

Also, think of asking her guardian angel to soften her heart. Guardian angels are very powerful at bringing about change.
Please keep asking for prayers in the prayer section. Also go onto EWTN, there is a section there where you can post prayer requests and there is another web site bellwetheromaha.org/mailsent.php
where they will pray.
Get people all over the world to pray. The devil wants your marriage to end. God wants you to beat all odds. Also Catholic Online have prayer requests. Try them too.
God bless you both.


#12

Yes I have asked her that question, and she told me to be alone.

To which you should respond “Being alone will help our marriage how?”

She stopped attending church because she said she felt like a hypocrite, going to church and knowing that she does not feel anything for me anymore. She has told me that feels guilty knowing that we got married and took our vows before God and then breaking them with not loving me anymore.

Last time I checked this wasn’t a reason to skip Mass. Depending on the situation, it could be a reason to skip Communion. Where does she think she’d find the grace to fix a bad relationship. Heaping a sin on something you already think is a sin is obviously not going to help matters.

The last time we talked, last friday to be exact, she told me she does not care anymore if I love her or not, if I treat her good or not. She has given up all together with our marriage and therefore has left everything in God’s hands. She said that if God wants us to be living together then so be it. But concerning our relationship, she is not doing anything to make it better, she just wants us to be friends. This is why I felt resignation that things are not going to be turn out any better. I really don’t know what to do at times. I feel like just giving up and let things roll, but then again, I feel like I should just keep on trying in face of the things my wife has told me.

Well, then your wife doesn’t have a clue as to what love is. Love isn’t a feeling. Love is a choice you make. If she’s not going to make it for the sake of your marriage then she should at least be making it for the sake of your children. People are under the unmistaken impression that love is a feeling. This is why so many people think you can “fall” in and out of it. Love is never a feeling. Attraction is a feeling. Again, love is a choice you make. Does she actually think that happy couples are happy simply because they have a “feeling” of love? I don’t know a happy couple who is simply happy because they are both perfect, life is perfect, kids are perfect, etc. They are happy because they make the choices necessary to do what is necessary to be so.


#13

Ooops! I thought I’d already read all of the posts. I guess Jules covered it. Something else you might want to try is holy water. It can be very powerful at keeping demons who might want to tempt your wife to give up at bay.


#14

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#15

How’s it going Rivera? I think about you often and have been praying for you both.


#16

God will bless you for not giving up! (I know!)

Prayed for your marriage.


#17

Thank you all for caring. I am doing well, yesterday I sent my wife a text telling her that I love her and I will not give up. That God will help us in our marriage. Her response was whatever. Im not going to let this keep me down. I know God will help us.


#18

Rivera, my husband sent me lots of messages like that when things were at there worst. I answered that he 'should just give up and move on because I had’
I gave him no hope at all for a long long time, but I although in the beginning I really felt there was no chance for us, just the fact that he was so confident, made it easier for me to let my guard down. We were separated so he must have felt terrible when I responded this way. But he’d hurt me so much that I just wanted the pain to stop. It was easier for me to let go than to have to endure more hurt.
But little by little, I did soften. His words of love and confidence made me feel that I could rely more on him and that even though I didn’t give him a glimmer of hope, he still perservered. He trusted that God would help us. He apologised over and over for the things that he had done and said he would do whatever it took to fix it. He has done that and more. We are still living apart and have our setbacks. But God has really guided us and we hope to reconcile soon. No matter what we have said to each other in the past, we really do have a deep love together. But we had to work to find it.
I really think your wife has put up a wall, but with gentleness and a promise to make things better and lots of love and prayer, I am sure you can soften her heart. Women do like to be pursued,
just try to stay optimistic. And remember, God is on your side.
I am praying for you every day.
God bless you both.


#19

Maybe I missed it, but what exactly caused your wife to give up on your marriage?

Until she heals from whatever hurt her, she will only shoot down your attempts.

It can be hard to be held back like that. If you hurt her, then the ball is really in her court to forgive you or keep you at a distance.

www.marriagebuilders.com

Also, For Better…For Worse by Gregory Popchack is good, too.


#20

Well My Wife Told Me Today Is Not To Talk To Her About Love Because Instead Of Making Her Feel Better, It Makes Her Get Upset. Im Not Planning On Giving Up. What Other Ways Do You Suggest?


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