Marriage trouble


#1

I am not a new poster here but have registered under a new name since some people know the real me.

I found out yesterday that my husband has been unfaithful. Actually, I suspected this for a while but found (accidently) unrefutable proof just yesterday.

Besides feeling sick and broken, I need to move forward. I have no intention of letting my husband know what I found or of confronting him. I do not want our marriage to end. We have children who would be devestated, emotionally and financially.

However, I do not want this to just eat at me until I become a bitter woman. I plan on trying to see a Catholic counselor once the kids are back in school. And I will be consulting a lawyer regarding how to protect assets in the event my husband decides on his own to leave.

Any other advice in the meantime?


#2

I am sorry this is happening to you and your children. If it is a physical affair, you may be at risk of an STD. Is there a reason why you don’t want to confront him? It is good that you are going to a Catholic counselor.


#3

I would see the lawyer now, especially if this is an ongoing affair. You are seriously going to stay married if your husband is actively cheating on you? :eek:

Perhaps it is something that has ended. In that case, still protect yourself and also get advice from a lawyer and a counselor.

Very sorry this has happened to you.


#4

Oh Dear one I am so very sorry. My heart just breaks reading your words. Are you concerned if you talk to him about it that he will leave?

Is there any chance that this affair is over? I sure hope so.

I don't know what to offer you other then prayers I am so very sorry. Please take care as best as you can.


#5

[quote="whm, post:2, topic:244107"]
I am sorry this is happening to you and your children. If it is a physical affair, you may be at risk of an STD. Is there a reason why you don't want to confront him? It is good that you are going to a Catholic counselor.

[/quote]

While he may be at risk of STDs, I am not. We have not had sex in a few years. I thought it was due to his medication. I guess not. :(

If I confront him, it will be very hard to keep this from the kids or other extended family. It will also likely destroy the friendship I have with my husband, which is one of the last things I have. There is no "up" side to confrontation.


#6

Yes, that is one of my concerns. I am a stay-at-home mom so the idea of complete upheaval is disconcerting but not frightening. I have skills and could go back to work to support myself, if needed. But I am more concerned what his leaving would do to our kids.

Is there any chance that this affair is over? I sure hope so.

Yes, there is that chance.

I don’t know what to offer you other then prayers I am so very sorry. Please take care as best as you can.

Thank you.


#7

Oh yes, I am going to see the lawyer as soon as I can. The only reason to wait on the counselor is that it is hard to get to the city during the summer with my kids home from school.


#8

I’m sorry. But this makes little sense. Friends don’t cheat on each other. If you mean you prefer having an adulterous husband to discussing his choice of sex life… I’m not sure of the marriage example you wish to pass on to your children.

This seems to be quite a bit about communications and that is what you need to work on IMO.


#9

The up side to confrontation is that the truth is shared, and reconciliation can begin. Without that, nothing can happen, right?

Two partners need to talk, especially if there is a problem. The bigger the problem, the bigger the need to talk about it. Doesn't get much bigger than this in a marriage.

I am not a marriage counselor...I have not even been married that long. To me though, it seems obvious you two need to talk about this. The up or downside to confrontation does not matter. There is no choice in my mind that this needs to be brought up. Also, consider the differenence between confrontation and communication.

I am sorry for all of this, and I will pray for you both.


#10

Inwill pray for you too, though I agree that it seems at least that confronting the infidelity and continued dishonesty of his is the only way the marriage would have any chance of healing. You have to pull the thorn before the wound can begin to repair itself.


#11

I would at this point make an appointment with a marriage counselor and leave the time and date for him. This may be a good place to discuss this. It will need to be discussed if you are going to stay together. Also if you are going to try to have a friendship for the sake of your kids (which I think you have from your screen name) it may be best to get everything out in the open in a controlled setting rather than one day when one of you loses it and trust me it will happen.

Remember adultery in and of itself is not necessarily cause for decree of nullity but that is a separate conversation. This is something you should see your priest about before seeing a lawyer. God bless you and I am sorry for your pain.


#12

[quote="mariethemom, post:1, topic:244107"]
I am not a new poster here but have registered under a new name since some people know the real me.

I found out yesterday that my husband has been unfaithful. Actually, I suspected this for a while but found (accidently) unrefutable proof just yesterday.

Besides feeling sick and broken, I need to move forward. I have no intention of letting my husband know what I found or of confronting him. I do not want our marriage to end. We have children who would be devestated, emotionally and financially.

However, I do not want this to just eat at me until I become a bitter woman. I plan on trying to see a Catholic counselor once the kids are back in school. And I will be consulting a lawyer regarding how to protect assets in the event my husband decides on his own to leave.

Any other advice in the meantime?

[/quote]

I am so sorry. :( Other than the steps you've laid out, I would suggest making photo copies of all pertinent documents. Bank accounts, credit card statements, and if you aren't actively involved in all aspects of your marital finances, gather as much data as possible. Include life insurance policies, retirement plans... anything that has to do with your shared income both now and down the road.

You'll want to know exactly what your shared assets are, in case he decides to leave, and attempt to hide assets in some one else's name (it's ugly, but it happens). I'd also start saving some money in your name so that if he drains the accounts, you have money to access. Same holds true if he takes legal action to freeze marital accounts.


closed #13

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